Sexual Assault Confused If I Was Raped

[Justine]

Some guys shoved their hands down my pants, fingered me, groped me and punched me out. I woke up undressed. Is there any definitive proof or way to find out if I was raped? I didn't tell right away because I didn't want to start any problems, being blamed or not believed. So to clear my virginity I tell myself that some guys were just wrestling me. It's been years so is there any use in getting a rape kit done? I just want someway to prove this happened so someone will believe me. I guess the only way to find out is if there was such thing as a virgin test.

 

[void]

@justine

Yes, you were, imo.

 

[joeylittle]

It's been years so is there any use in getting a rape kit done?

No, I don't think so...you need to start with looking up the statute of limitations in the state where it occurred, and if there's specifically a requirement on when charges can be filed.

Many women break their own hymens through basic physical activity. It's why there's really no reliable way to medically 'check' for virginity.

In my opinion, you don't have to consider that assault to have been anything other than what it was - a forcible sexual assault. It had nothing to do with sex, it had to do with power and violence and anger. It was wrong. And it doesn't need to be the thing that gets labeled as 'the first time you had intercourse'.

 

[anonymous]

Yes, the FBI defines fingering as rape.

 

[Abstract]

I realise you want to know if anything more happened after and its hard for you not to know. I wish there was a definitive way you could tell. Normal rape tests wouldn't be any help now as DNA etc will be long gone. You have 3 days after the attack for these to be valid. As was said before damage to your hymen can be something evaluated if you are a virgin. But it can be undamaged for some and they will still have been raped and for others the hymen can be damaged by other life events with rape not having occurred. I guess you could do this and get some reassurance if its intact as that is less likely to happen if something did happen. Depending on the position and shape of your hymen they may be able to guide you on the likelihood of that happening. For some it would be impossible that sexual activity occurred if its still in place.

There would be two possibilities but they are unlikely. If you kept your underwear from that night unwashed then that would be a possibility. Or your other clothes.

Spoiler: Other possibility

And as awful as that is to say STD's.

I have two incidents where I will never know so understand how this feels. This person was very aggressive and what you do remember is horrible. Have you tried getting support for that?

 

[MissInvisible]

You have 96 hours after a rape for a rape kit to be able to gather viable DNA. If there was vaginal trauma, scarring could be detected, but likely would be difficult to prove it was from a particular person. Any witnesses that could verify? At this point, you have what you can remember and can work with that to process and heal. You don't need to prove it to a judge and jury. You need an understanding therapist who is willing to work with you and believe you. So sorry this happened to you and best of luck with your healing journey.

 

[Sideways]

Our virginity is somehow really powerful and precious. Like @joeylittle mentioned, I adopted a more empowering concept of virginity, which was really helpful for me.

Someone having sex with me as a kid? It was easy for me to discount that - they couldn't take my virginity if I wasn't physically developed to have sex yet.

But then my first sexual experience as an adult was rape. That was harder, and for a long while, I was profoundly effected by the knowledge that I had my virginity "stolen" from me.

Eventually, I decided that rape and sexual intercourse were 2 very different things. Rape is someone on a power trip violating my body. Sexual intercourse is an experience where I am present, letting a person share my body.

Looking at it that way helped me a lot. People can violate a person's body in all sorts of different ways. Someone rubbing my arse when I don't want them too? They've just violated my body, but they certainly haven't taken my virginity by doing that. Being raped is a heinous extension of that. And so in my mind, being raped was not where I lost my virginity, it was an awful experience where someone violated my body. The arsehat that did it? He didn't get to claim my virginity, I never gave it to him.

If you were raped? That needs healing from. But no one needs to have taken your virginity if you decide that you never gave it away. It wasn't sex, it was a violation of your body. And as far as I'm concerned, you go right ahead and hold on to your virginity, and give it away to the person you decide to, when you decide you're ready to. Rape doesn't make us "impure". Fk that concept, virginity is bigger than violation, it's about sexual intimacy, you deciding to share your body.

They can take away our courage, and our self-esteem. But our virginity is ours to give away when we say so.

 

[Abstract]

Agreed on the virginity front. I don't consider any non consensual act relevant for me in that respect. But looking at if this as something that happened in context of physical signs is different in my eyes. One is a physical issue and virginity relevant in terms of evidence. The other is much more than that. True.