Confused New Carer

[forcesunified]

Also, I'm really scared that she will never be in a healthy relationship again. Do you think that ptsd is always something that you have to deal with for the rest of your life, or can it mostly go away? I just need to know that she is with somebody who protects and cares for her -- it does not have to be me. I know every woman's dream: husband and kids. That better be her someday or else I won't be happy again. She's only young 20's. I know it's gonna happen for her -- this cannot go on forever.

 

[Nicolette]

I don't mean to sound horrible but if I was her and you were talking about me like this, knowing I had been ignoring you for two months, I would consider it bordering on creepy and not loving. JMHO.

She is not your responsibility, nor is she demonstrating that she wants you in her life and the only thing you have control over in your life is you. I suggest you invest your energy in yourself as I get the impression you are struggling to let go and knowing what she is or isn't doing doesn't change the status quo that she is not wanting you to be part of her life right now.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

To quote you forcesunified :
Would a father quit on his daughter?
I suppose I can only respond with one question - that being, are you her father and is she your daughter?

I'll quote you again forcesunified :
I know every woman's dream: husband and kids.
Have you actually asked her what she wants her dreams to consist of?

 

[forcesunified]

I don't mean to sound horrible but if I was her and you were talking about me like this, knowing I had been ignoring you for two months, I would consider it bordering on creepy and not loving. JMHO.

She is not your responsibility, nor is she demonstrating that she wants you in her life and the only thing you have control over in your life is you. I suggest you invest your energy in yourself as I get the impression you are struggling to let go and knowing what she is or isn't doing doesn't change the status quo that she is not wanting you to be part of her life right now.

Alright you win. I just want what's best for her so I'll forget about someone I've known for years. I'm gonna need therapy myself now lol.

 

[ISupportHer]

Maybe I should just keep quiet but this thread has been on my mind a lot.

First I hope you have read the sticky thread in Carers entitled something like "If you don't like the responses". It's there for a reason and important things to think about.

You responded that "you win". This implies you lose. It's not about anyone winning. To me, it's about strangers caring enough to tell you things straight up.

You want to wear the badge of Carer? Well in my opinion that takes hard work. It not only means that you are there for someone as you can be but it's just as important that you look at yourself too. What am I doing? Why am I reacting like I am? What is the best thing I can do for her but also myself?

Maybe I am reacting to this thread this way I am because it strikes a nerve with me. Reminds me how I felt early on and I wish I could give you the vision I have now, not that I am any expert. I can only tell you that I had to realize that some of my reactions were about MY fears more than what was going on with my wife. It takes time for the panic to subside so that you see more clearly, in my opinion.

You mention jokingly that you will end up in therapy. I have been biting my tongue wanting to suggest that. Therapy is not a weakness. It takes a real man to admit that he needs help sorting things out. I tried a few times. Quit when I was panicked and eventually have found a way to deal with my situation. I hope you DO look toward therapy and that you stick with it.

I wish you peace.

ISH

 

[Dalager]

Hi
I applaure you "Isupporther" and "nicolette"
When reading the comments on this Thread I get a feeling of worring.
You, forcesunified, should take a hard look at what you are doing and why.
I get you are caring for her and want her safe, but why, are you trying to cover some of your own issues, I have had the same gene. I want to make people safe too, but you can't save the world. When I began looking at my past I realised I found partners how were having some problems and I was trying to help them, or should I say my self. After that I could concentrate on my self and got over my issues.

 

[emmat]

Finding out a bit more about PTSD when your friend says they have it is a very supportive thing to do. Trying to sweep in and be her knight in shining armour, chosing to be her carer (has she even been consulted?) and being there to 'protect' her from her decisions is not.

Very many PTSD sufferers have strong feelings of not being in control of their own lives at some point. Be it victims of violence where they have felt like their life hung completely on someone elses choices, be it victims of abuse where the closest people to them have manipulated and betrayed them in vile ways, be it natural disaters, accidents where the victim had no control over the outcome, be it veterans who saw their lives or others hanging by a thread.

As part of her recovery it will be essential that she can feel like she can set boundaries and have those respected. I know it's hard when you think someone is making a poor decision but the important thing is she needs to be free to make decisions (poor ones as well as good) about who she wants in her life at any point. She may well realise she reacted badly and decide to try to get close to you again, and at that point you can both mutually decide if that's ok. Untill then don't a) waste your time and b) keep showing her how little respect you have for her choices by continuing to try to contact her when she has said no.

At the end of the day forcing yourself (physically, socially, emotionally, psychologically - whatever) on someone who clearly is saying 'back off' is wrong. In fact, it verges on stalking.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I think that you need to learn to take NO as NO!!!! I had a friendship once, and I asked for space. This person would not/could not respect my boundaries. They kept bothering me, asking others about me, and kept contacting me. No matter HOW many times I asked for space and reassured them, that I was OK, just needed space. I finally cut this person out of my life completely. I think that what you are doing is selfish, shows lack of control, and even lack of respect for your friend......

Personally I think this is what your friend is doing now. She has cut you out of her life for whatever reason, but it's HER reason, so please respect her enough to understand that she does not want you in her life at this point.....

 

[forcesunified]

I agree. I'm going to leave her alone now. Thanks everybody. And no, I'm not creepy! That is very offensive because I'm just confused about how to help someone I love. Now I know that I should leave her alone, I will.


Also, is it possible to delete this thread. I don't feel comfortable with it out here anymore.

 

[Jline]

I have been following this thread also and I want to thank you for this thread forcesunified. I don't think you can delete this thread and I don't think it should be deleted. We are all here to learn from each other, this is the idea of the forum. You are making the right decision and you should be proud of yourself for working through this. Rejection is a difficult thing to deal with... I hope you stick with not contacting this person as it is the right thing to do for you and for her. j

 

[forcesunified]

Maybe this thread shouldn't die. I will definitely send her one last message or maybe a voicemail and then that will be it.

I haven't talked about myself very much but I suffer from another mental disorder called social anxiety. You may not be able to understand how bad it is but it's just like I can't understand how bad ptsd is. It can have just as bad an impact on relationships as ptsd. This girl was the first girl who ever said she liked me and I'm approaching mid twenties. That and the fact that I've known her for two years now, so you can try to understand how hard this is for me. It may very well be another 20 + years before anything ever happens for me again.

However, that being said, I do want what is best for her so I'm going to end all this.

 

[Nicolette]

I will definitely send her one last message or maybe a voicemail and then that will be it.

Sheesh....you just don't get it do you?

However, that being said, I do want what is best for her so I'm going to end all this.

Sorry, I think you want to do what's best for you as she has demonstrated she wants you to leave her alone and you're not doing this......this is about you and not her IMHO.

I give up as three posts ago you were going to leave her alone and now the opposite. I chose my words carefully before saying some of your actions would creep me out. Now I would almost use the word stalker as another member has. Sorry but if someone is ignoring you consistently and you keep chasing her that is bordering on stalking.