- Post starter
- #13
Ok I think I'm in a better place now to post.
I talked with my T about what was in my records, mostly that she read the hospital stuff too, but she was able to "read between the lines" after getting to know me, and thought she could see their valid points as well as the stuff that "was just plain wrong"<- her wording (made me very happy to hear some one understood me and wouldn't just listen to a file! :)). I would have liked to talk about my P more, but I had already taken my hour, and we still needed to discuss other things after I calmed down from hospital stuff and labeling stuff.
Since it was the start of a new semester we should have talked about what to do with therapy (the center on campus isn't really ment for long term care, that's what the groups are for primarily). We didn't get to talk about this much, and I am very scared of a group, I feel like I'm just starting to be comfortable with my T, and I want to keep working with her. I feel like I'm being pushed out of therapy too soon.
Wait, I need to remind myself that she said we would talk about this later, and make the best decision for me, if I still need individual help then that is what I can get through the center.
I need to remember that the goal is to eventually move to group, I need to not be scared of this, but I really am. Although I can do EMDR with her or work on individual things while in group, as long as it doesn't cover stuff the group does too (basically prove that additional therapy is needed and can't get the same kind of help out of group). Ok, think I've semi calmed down now.
Moving on...
If I put my plan here I can come back and read it to calm down later.
My meeting with my T is Tuesday, we will discuss therapy options, make a "blueprint" for my therapy of what I want to accomplish in therapy this semster and look at what group could be like, then decide if it fits with MY blueprint.
I will also talk to my T about what to do about my P. How I can talk to him about the file, or if I should. I feel like if I explain stuff to him he'll read it as making excuses since he has written before:
"Her insight is really questionable, it is either good or it is atrocious but it is hard to tell really what. I would say that she does not understand the severity of her drug use or what it ment to her, or how her body reacted to it" (12/27/2010)
and
"It is also hard to believe her level of success she has given the reported level of distress from PTSD. Her insight is either extraordinary, extraordinarily poor. Her judgment can only be seen as poor given her history." (10/07/2010)
So I feel like even if I do explain anything to him, he'll just think that it's my "poor judgement" since in the past I made hard decisions to do bad things in order to survive, during and after my trauma.
***OK, I want to be fair here, we only slightly talk about the trauma, his main job is symptom control with drugs, so he doesn't get to see the whole story and like I said before I am really blunt and matter of fact with him (it's even in my file :p) so he doesn't see how much everything has affected me since, like I've said before, I don't feel comfortable opening up to him about pretty much anthing.***
End of side note.
I buried all of my pain in something that helped in the short term since I didn't know what else to do. I don't think "normal" people can understand how making the decision of self preservation can cause you to want to do bad things to feel less broken, less hurt. And when my symptoms were not as bad, I didn't use. And when I did use it wasn't very often, bascially when I just couldn't handle feeling certain ways anymore. (know that sounds like an excuse, maybe it is, but it is also the truth about my actions and what drove me to take them)
Maybe talking with my T will help me find a way to communicate with my P in a way that he can understand, since my T understands my communication style, but he does not. But that is what Iwill do on Tuesday. And then Wednesday I will deal with my P, in whatever way my T and I decide would be the best. Maybe it means switching P's since I think we have a new on in the clinic now too. That is always an option too. Just need to keep reminding myself of this stuff.
OK, I'm horrible at staying on topic, but I tried the best I could to put my plan up here so I can keep reading it for the next 4 days.
Anyone can comment on anything really. Feed back helps me, it gives me something to think about and maybe see things in a different way.
I talked with my T about what was in my records, mostly that she read the hospital stuff too, but she was able to "read between the lines" after getting to know me, and thought she could see their valid points as well as the stuff that "was just plain wrong"<- her wording (made me very happy to hear some one understood me and wouldn't just listen to a file! :)). I would have liked to talk about my P more, but I had already taken my hour, and we still needed to discuss other things after I calmed down from hospital stuff and labeling stuff.
Since it was the start of a new semester we should have talked about what to do with therapy (the center on campus isn't really ment for long term care, that's what the groups are for primarily). We didn't get to talk about this much, and I am very scared of a group, I feel like I'm just starting to be comfortable with my T, and I want to keep working with her. I feel like I'm being pushed out of therapy too soon.
Wait, I need to remind myself that she said we would talk about this later, and make the best decision for me, if I still need individual help then that is what I can get through the center.
I need to remember that the goal is to eventually move to group, I need to not be scared of this, but I really am. Although I can do EMDR with her or work on individual things while in group, as long as it doesn't cover stuff the group does too (basically prove that additional therapy is needed and can't get the same kind of help out of group). Ok, think I've semi calmed down now.
Moving on...
If I put my plan here I can come back and read it to calm down later.
My meeting with my T is Tuesday, we will discuss therapy options, make a "blueprint" for my therapy of what I want to accomplish in therapy this semster and look at what group could be like, then decide if it fits with MY blueprint.
I will also talk to my T about what to do about my P. How I can talk to him about the file, or if I should. I feel like if I explain stuff to him he'll read it as making excuses since he has written before:
"Her insight is really questionable, it is either good or it is atrocious but it is hard to tell really what. I would say that she does not understand the severity of her drug use or what it ment to her, or how her body reacted to it" (12/27/2010)
and
"It is also hard to believe her level of success she has given the reported level of distress from PTSD. Her insight is either extraordinary, extraordinarily poor. Her judgment can only be seen as poor given her history." (10/07/2010)
So I feel like even if I do explain anything to him, he'll just think that it's my "poor judgement" since in the past I made hard decisions to do bad things in order to survive, during and after my trauma.
***OK, I want to be fair here, we only slightly talk about the trauma, his main job is symptom control with drugs, so he doesn't get to see the whole story and like I said before I am really blunt and matter of fact with him (it's even in my file :p) so he doesn't see how much everything has affected me since, like I've said before, I don't feel comfortable opening up to him about pretty much anthing.***
End of side note.
I buried all of my pain in something that helped in the short term since I didn't know what else to do. I don't think "normal" people can understand how making the decision of self preservation can cause you to want to do bad things to feel less broken, less hurt. And when my symptoms were not as bad, I didn't use. And when I did use it wasn't very often, bascially when I just couldn't handle feeling certain ways anymore. (know that sounds like an excuse, maybe it is, but it is also the truth about my actions and what drove me to take them)
Maybe talking with my T will help me find a way to communicate with my P in a way that he can understand, since my T understands my communication style, but he does not. But that is what Iwill do on Tuesday. And then Wednesday I will deal with my P, in whatever way my T and I decide would be the best. Maybe it means switching P's since I think we have a new on in the clinic now too. That is always an option too. Just need to keep reminding myself of this stuff.
OK, I'm horrible at staying on topic, but I tried the best I could to put my plan up here so I can keep reading it for the next 4 days.
Anyone can comment on anything really. Feed back helps me, it gives me something to think about and maybe see things in a different way.
