Confused???scared...

[Kaylove498]

I have moments where I'm completely lost obviously I'm coherent because I'm writting this. It's a sense or s feeling that nothing makes sense to me. Like I have no sense of self I don't know who I am or even why I am of that makes sense.then I have moments where I look at my spouse and I'm like I'm really with you mind you I've been with them for 7 years.Ill look around at where I live which I've lived for about 5 years or longer and I'm confused and how it since when I know the reality of it but it's a weird feeling that the world including myself doesn't make sense.I also have these weird thoughts where I freak out over my own existence or how could we possibly who we are.why do we naturally know how to do things or learn things or what is the actually point to get existence and of course my worst and most fearful thought what really is a human or the meaning behind being a human.I know I sound crazy I just don't really understand anymore.I use to be super overweight and I'm now a hundred pounds lighter I get confused easily or anxious sometimes I know I'm here but it doesn't make sense because I'm barely here I can see everything but I feel like I'm not really existing or I'm not who I am.I barely eat because food doesn't taste well and when I do decide to eat I eat very little because recently I've developed a thought of why indulge in something if all you really need is enough to survive physically the same with drinking I sip on the same glass of water all day just to survive atleast that's what my mind tells me.could I be going insane?what should I do? I feel like I've lost it even though at this point I feel like I don't care if I have I still have that anxious feeling that I'm goin insane.

 

[Ronin]

You're not going insane.

I think limiting food intake may veery much worsen these spells. Ditto cause them and cause confusion to begin with.

Ditto that acute dehydration.
You really need to drink more...
A glass of water a day isn't enough.

So what's the point? Getting stable and healthy enough you won't *need* the point so desperately... because life is good enough as it is.

Truly, the point will wait.
Your health, not so much.
Your health and now comes first.

 

[Kaylove498]

I try to be more healthy I eat enough if that makes sense I just find it hard to eat because many times things don't taste at all it's very hard to eat a normal meal when everything seems very tasteless.I found out recently I have full blown depression so I wasn't sure if that was part of how I felt or not.ill be speaking with my doctor Tuesday I've just been very scared that I'm going insane.i have a therapist who I just saw Friday and I see again this week and she swears I'm not goin insane but I can't help but to feel I am.everyday I feel it's something knew with how I feel mentally and physically.

 

[Ronin]

No not crazy at all, that lack of appetite is very common for depression. So common it even features in depression questionnaires because it's one of solid tells.

I get how scary it may be if reality seems a shifting ground daily. Does your therapist have any techniques for you to help out with that? Do breathing ones help you?

This will get better.

 

[Kaylove498]

Ive been doing the breathing when I get overly freaked out.whats been hard is when I'm mentally freaking out but physically I can't feel anything I recently started therapy and she said it will take time to get past this. It seems to be killing me though I have no emotions anymore and physically I don't seem to feel anything even when things are going great I just can't seem to feel. For awhile I could feel sadness and some anger but even that has left. I'm just blank at this point. I start meds on Tuesday and I'm hoping they help I'm terrified of having to go through multiple meds though.i had a bad experience with my lost doctor.they didn't listen to what I felt and put me on multiple different meds in a matter of two months that made me sick and feeling more hopeless than before I went to see them. I just want me back and I'm scared that won't happen.

 

[Ronin]

I'm sorry you're suffering so much.

Give it time? Medication changes take a while to start working. Even longer to do it proper.

And you said you feel a lot of things actually... confusion, anxiety, panic, fear, missing other time & grief, hopelessness / despair, worry... and overwhelming numbness.

Of course you feel numb. :hug: It's quite a lot of feelings to be having to take on daily, otherwise.

 

[Kaylove498]

Yeah i guess I am feeling now then I realize. I just always feel like I'm not actually here anymore. I know that sounds odd but just getting up or thinking about having to go somewhere scares me a bit because I feel so gone that I question if I'm even callable of doing things.

 

[Ronin]

Yet you make yourself do things every day, or every so often... I would say that is enough evidence you're more than capable of doing things, and it will get even better when you're properly supported in health later.

 

[Kaylove498]

Thank you so much I appreciate it

 

[Friday]

I barely eat because food doesn't taste well and when I do decide to eat I eat very little because recently I've developed a thought of why indulge in something if all you really need is enough to survive physically the same with drinking I sip on the same glass of water all day just to survive atleast

First off... not eating/drinking/or sleeping? (Or barely doing any, much less all of the 3) ...Will make disassociation infinitely worse. To the point of hallucination & psychosis. But a downside of anxiety in everyday life is that it shuts off the normal life rhythm responses. In an emergency? It’s extremely useful to not be hungry, thirsty, or sleepy. And there’s solid science behind that (sympathetic nervous system, fight/flight -vs- parasympathetic nervous system, rest/digest). But we can only tolerate that state for so long before our bodies start to break down. The more we don’t eat/drink/sleep the faster the breakdown. Our thoughts fog & muddle. Our reactions slow. Reactionary/overlyemotional or emotionally numb/spacey/can’t concentrate/ clumsy/disjointed & discombobulated & dysregulated.

So one of the foundations in getting BACK to baseline/normal... is not eating/drinking because you want to... but because it’s time. Set an alarm if you need to, to go off 5 times a day to eat something. Or check that you’re peeing every hour & it’s clear. Push fluids. All day, every day. Drink until you’re absolutely sick of drinking, then drink more. Until you’re at least at 2 liters, and preferably twice or three times that. Push easy to digest foods (nutrition shakes, if nothing else, but any kind of sick-people-food, like soup or McDonalds will absorb into your system even when your anxiety is running hot). <<< Unless you’re a comfort-eater (and it doesn’t sound like it) It will NOT feel good, most of the time. Because our digestive system shuts off in anxiety. It will feel like a heavy cold weight in your belly. It will look vile and disgusting in the glass or on your plate. You will NOT want it. And it will feel gross doing it. Do it, anyway. Every day. 5 times a day, or once an hour. Keep forcing yourself to eat/drink. >>> In a few weeks? You’ll have trained yourself to eat despite anxiety running hot and it will stop feeling gross, your body will catch on that your thoughts are clearer & your body itself healthier, and it will stop fighting you so hard. SOME things may even elicit desire, or happiness. (OMG, looooove this XYZ). Most things? Still won’t. But keep eating. And keep pushing fluids. It won’t fix all your disassociation. But it will remove all of the disassociation that is a byproduct of dehydration and malnutrition. Which can be night& day. And rhe disassociation That’s left? Will respond to grounding and other PTSD & stress management tricks, because that’s where it’s coming from. Instead of from your body slowly dying. Dehydration and malnutrition are no joke. They’re subtle, and come on slooooowly, but the cumulative effects are crazy making. Take it from someone who both has trauma & stress related food issues, and an eating disorder. Our bodies are amaaaaazing. They can survive all kinds of hell. But thriving? Takes effort. And is an entirely different ballgame. Give your body what it needs, not what it wants.

 

[Kaylove498]

Thank you so much that part was hard to describe that eating feels gross I thought that was just something weird that I was doing.when I eat I get this weird feeling like it's not normal to eat if that makes any sense as of two days ago I started trying to get myself on a somewhat more normal sleeping schedule I'm gonna try sticking to a schedule with everythinglike recommend some days are just harder than others.

 

[Kaylove498]

One more thing that I wondered and something I have notices.so my routine has been very much same thing everyday,wake up Google symptoms,question if I still feel the same sit in bed for hours googling and not thinking of much else.since I started therapy I've been told not to Google and be in constant obsession over it but I could benefit from a support group whether online or in person.obviously I decided the online route.well alot of my obsessional thinking has stopped I don't Google at all anymore as of 3 or 4 days ago and I don't check my symptoms constantly.could me changing my thought process possibly be the reason I'm in the weird place mentally?