Confusing, Please Dont Judge!

[nolongerhis]

This is hard and makes me sick to think about and type for me to even type but I really need opinions or advice. I was abuse by my dad for 3 years (from ages 13-16, I am now almost 17)... My relationship was complicated because I got to a point where I had convinced myself that our relationship was okay in order to deal with it. Anyways he took my virginity and was the only person I ever sex with. (and as horriable as this sounds please do not judge me, although i did not like it after 3 years with having frequent intercourse with someone, you begin to get used to it and "participate" or at least i did. I was convinved I was in love with him as I did not meet him till I was 13 and he convinced me there was nothing wrong with it) I know better now, however, I have only had sex twice since then and kissed a few guys but my problem is nobody I have done anything with has been pleasurable. I dont know if it is because they are young and have limited experience in comparison to my 36 year old whore of a father who had been with 56! yes 56 women, or what but i just cant get into it and it never feels good. Maybe that kind of thing is ruined for m e now but I was to be able to enjoy it and be young(but careful and safe) and enjoy this.
Advice!!??

 

[Nyx]

This is a really tough one... The perv managed to completely alter your image of "normal" and it's absolutely understandable you are confused right now. First of all, do not blame yourself for it. It is not your fault. Secondly, you will need to work through all thoughts and feelings attached to the sexual act, to be able to understand what it is you want and what not, what you like and what you don't, etc. Are you in therapy? It sounds to me you are too young and too vulnerable right now to be exploring this with partners, I think it would be much safer for you to work through it in therapy first...

I hope you don't think I'm patronizing or anything, I'm just concerned about the vulnerable position you're in right now.

 

[cherryblossom]

As Nyx has said, I don't think this is something you can work through on your own. You have absolutely no reason to feel ashamed, and certainly no one will judge you. I hope you find a therapist who can help you to work through your thoughts and perceptions surrounding sex.

I don't think you are ruined. You are young and you have your whole life ahead. This can be 'fixed' with the right help and support. I'm not sure any 17 year old always has great /pleasurable sex, because you and your partner are still learning about sex, what you like, what you don't like etc. Regardless of age or experience, I don't think any couple gets it right first time. It takes practice(!), communication and trust to build a healthy sexual relationship.

It makes me sad to hear what you've been through. But you also sound like a strong and sensible young woman. You can move forwards from here. You have made the first brave step in opening up here. Keep talking, and move towards opening up to someone in real life (if you haven't already done so) to get the help you deserve for your future.

 

[ashly]

I'm sorry for what you have had to endure! I was abused for 5 years by my stepdad. It has been a hard road for me I to sadly enjoyed yet despised the things that were done to me. Its hard because being plessured is a normal thing but at such a young age and by someone you love and trust makes it a very confusing thing to cope with. It was and still is hard for me to view sex as something other then a bad thing. I have been trying for years to put this behind me and still struggling. I wish that I had advice for you seeing as I am also dealing with the past I'm afraid I can't be much help. I want to just let you know that your not alone and there are people who care! I really hope that it gets better for you stay strong.

 

[Al vere]

This is very much NOT YOUR FAULT. I was aged 12 to 16 when mine took place and I still struggle to believe that I was not to blame for joining in. A minor is never to blame because they are a minor, that is why it is child abuse. Look at other 13 year olds and think if you would entrust them with the maturity of a sexual relationship.

 

[nolongerhis]

It is hard for me to think of it that I am a minor and so its not my fault because, had I been one year older when people found out, then wouldnt I have gone to jail too? I'm just struggling so much with not blaming myself and I dont know how I am suppose to not. So many people got hurt because of him but he is not here so it makes it hard for me to hate him and blame him because it doesnt seem right to blame a dead person and how can anyone else be mad at him when everyone is so sad he is dead.

 

[Al vere]

I really feel for you. It sounds like you are at the very beginning of a journey, and I would say you are at one of the most painful parts. I would get yourself a really decent therapist and tell a couple of good, understanding friends. This evil man has done you a terrible injustice (understatement of the year). I hate him already.
My abuser is also dead, I really struggled to discover that, as it seemed that he was at peace and I was not and that seems so unfair. The opposite is really true: we can continue to live our lives, learn to love and enjoy things (even if it takes time) and they can only rot!!!!!!!!!!! I promise you, things will improve for you, you just need the right help, tools, advice etc. In fact, in a small way I have come to enjoy the little victories I have had over my battles and have learnt to become proud of myself for my bravery. You will too.

 

[Springer80]

Hello,

It was an awful falsehood your dad created in your heart and mind to take advantage of your body. I'm glad he isn't able to hurt you any-more. :affection:

I remember how I felt at seventeen, how alone and constantly scared and under so much pressure to carry on and be normal because I thought everyone acted like they didn't want to hear the truth. I wish I could help to provide an environment that allowed you to rest safely and recooperate. I agree with NYX more than finding comfort in sex perhaps you just need to be looked after for a while with no expectations on you. Take it easy, rest yourself :sleep:, do nice things for yourself, films, food, :cafe:, walks in the park, drawing, whatever you can manage (slowly). Allow yourself to grieve :goingtocry: :hug:.

It's wasn't your fault. Your beautiful! :angel: :thumbsup::thumbsup: X

 

[NDKnight]

I understand you wanting to still hate him even though he is dead and gone. My abuser has been dead for many yrs now and I still rage at him. I think I would like nothing more than to dig up his rotting body and crush it to dust.

 

[teardropcalling]

OMG!

I got to a point where I had convinced myself that our relationship was okay in order to deal with it.

You didn't convince yourself, you were groomed!!!!
Which for me means I still have my abusers sick mind pushing buttons in my head in my current relationships. I have never told anybody this, but I needed to get that out.

 

[Lucycat]

Well done TDC for sharing that. I too tried to convince myself that the abuse was 'normal' in order to be able to make any sense of it at all. It is only now, with my adult head that it makes any sense at all.

Not being judged is such a fundamental part of being able to recover and move on.

 

[anndeb]

I couldn't agree more, that acceptance is what helps us heal, not judgments.. funny how life just seems to work that way.. The more we can begin to accept our own realities, cruel and painful tho most of them are for us, the better off we become. Seems like a paradox to me, yet it is said that love casts out hate and good can overcome evil. Maybe that is what is meant by some of those sayings. Anyways sure works that way for me. (When I'm not full of revenge fantasies that is.. ):lol: