To The Vets - Not Being a Snot... Just a Huge Trigger For Me

[becvan]

I have thought about posting this for a long time. I just wanted all the vets (and vet related people) to know that I am not being snotty or ingoring their posts. Some of you may have noticed that I do not, generally, post on anything involving the military, not even intro's. This is a huge trigger for me. I was with a military person, who was abusive and caused my son's PTSD and added to mine. (yes, I know you are not all alike). I don't post as I usually get nasty triggers and don't want to open my big raging trap. It wouldn't be nice, rational or even relevant. So to all you vets, I do read them but am unable to post due to the absolute trantrum they cause. I make myself read 99% of it though, as I feel working through it is the best thing for me. I also will not say happy vet day or any other thing. I have a huge hate-on towards military anything (even though I know it's irrationally placed.)

Anyways, I felt it was only fair that I explain why I never reply to our vets. Simply my own demons and triggers. Wishing you all the best.

Bec

 

[Remnarc]

I think this is the first time I have ever been associated with a select group that was ostracized.


I do know that you have the right to feel any way that you want. I find it commendable that you are actually able to voice your opinion at it.

While I can’t say that I share you sentiment I can say that your honesty impressed me whole heartedly.

Gregg

 

[becvan]

Thanks Rem. It's not easy to admit you turn into a screaming, evil banshee everytime you hear, read or see the word military. LOL. Thankfully, I understand why I react like this, so I don't beat myself up over it. LOL, you probably don't get it though. See, I'm still terrified of this person (okay that would be an understatement.) So directing my anger at him is not safe. He jammed the military and everything with it down our throats on top of using it as an excuse for his behaviour. So the military is not only a nasty vicious trigger, it is also the safe place to direct the anger (for the moment.) So, I need to expose myself to my triggers (safely, like on here by just reading and not posting when I lose control which is everytime LOL) and work through my fear until I can place the anger where it deserves to be without freaking out from bad triggers. See? Makes sense doesn't it? LOL. Luckily, I don't associate each of you, personally, with military. It's only the posts that are about it or mention it. So talking to you now, no problems. Little tricks to get through it!!

Bec

 

[batgirl]

I don't think you're snotty at all. A trigger is a trigger. I'm from a military family myself and I have lots of military related triggers. I avoid posting in certain threads too.

 

[Remnarc]

I kind of know what you mean. There is a religious group that sends me right over the edge every time I hear about how "PEACEFUL" they are or should be. Give me a FING break!?!?!

The cool thing is that you have an idea at least of your pain and If I can actually help by being an instrument or tool to get that pain out, then I'm all for it.

Gregg

 

[anthony]

Bec... you know me... Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military, Military

You already know what that is for bec... you just gave me more fuel to poke and prod you to get past this.

I already understand why you direct your anger at the military, because I once did also, but its NOT the military's fault that causes people to be the way they are, nor are they at fault for making people angry or giving them PTSD, because the military never joined a veteran, we joined them.

Now, slightly different with you, being your abuser was military and no doubt when you say he shoved it down your throats, you are referring to things like saying, "yes sir" "no sir", neatness, tardyness, timeliness, etc etc... the military style of life.

Bec, you know it and I know it, he was an individual, and you find abusers in the military and out, more outside actually than within the military, often because of the discipliary actions taken against a soldier if they are caught beating their spouse or anyone for that matter.

Even if he wasn't military, he would still be the same person at the end of the day, looking for someone to control and over-power with force and fear. Bec, its not your fault, remember that. Its not the military's fault bec... it is only his fault. The buck stops at him, and I think you need to begin shifting that anger towards him, and no longer pretending by putting it elsewhere. We both know where that ends us... in the wrong place wasteing time when we could be getting on with the healing process instead.

You and I have been down this road already bec with other aspects of your trauma... kick this in the arse bec, because I actually believe this military aspect has very little to do with your overall triggers, more just a handful of fearful memories lingering around. Kick them in the arse bec so you can concentrate on more serious issues surrounding your trauma/s. I know you can do it, and so do you. You are one very stringent, stubborn and tough person bec.... you don't come across too me as a person who likes to pussy foot around things. Kick it in the arse and expose yourself to these triggers, because if my hunch is correct, you will beat these little triggers very quickly to find they are more lingering aspects of misdirected anger.

Bec, I must say though, I love your honesty with getting these things out, and either way, nobody is going to judge you or hold anything against you for these surrounding factors.

The above rant from me is just more personal in regard to your trauma, and giving you a nudge to push yourself on this.

 

[becvan]

That was funny Anthony. Your first two lines made me laugh out loud. Only you :)

You know, it's funny, I thought I was hitting them hard. Maybe not hard enough though eh? I read the military threads, a lot, I find that somedays I'm just looking at a fuzzy screen because I've spaced out to the point that I no longer see what is in front of me. I will NOT post in those threads until I am sure (or at least somewhat) that I can control myself and not post something completely out to left field. Basically, I just don't trust myself with that yet. Perhaps it is time to watch... (dreads this) Black Hawk Down... Ugggggggghhhhhhhhh... What an aweful thought....

I do know, and know well, that the military did not create him, nor that any one else is responsible... I know, I know, I know, which is why it's not personal to anyone (why I get along with you so well LOL)

I have so much more to say, yet no words, or perhaps it's just not clear in my mind as yet. Glad to have you to kick my stubborn arse too!!

Bec

I just had to add: Just thinking of the title of that bloody, aweful movie is a trigger to flashback hell... Probably a good one to hit then eh??

 

[anthony]

Absolutely bec... smack it right between the looking gear, fall over, get back up, dust yourself off, then do it again to fine tune all the little pieces that missed you the first time... maybe another just for confirmation that you can sit through and watch it. You honestly are bec, one very clever, smart and determined woman, who I only see can achieve anything that you put your mind too. That is my no BS viewpoint of yourself... you teach me so much bec, and for that I am ever greatful.

 

[becvan]

I'm hoping by posting this, the flashbacks will ease up! Damn things anyways. Black Hawk Down. I have to go and find it. Plan on renting it this weekend and seeing how many times I can get through it. This is the flashback I have everytime I think of that movie (there are many more, but one at a time...)
He talked about it for days. I was walking on eggshells as it was. He'd mention it and get angry. I had to keep my curtain closed at all times, no one over (ever). He would call or just show up about 10 times a day from work. Make sure his "agenda" was done or that I was following the "rules." I dreaded the day he would make me watch that movie. He brought it home one night. Bought the damn thing. Matt was already in bed, thank god. He was sober and made me watch it. It was dark in the house, fall outside with a chill in the air. I had to sit beside him and his evil, stinking dog and watch it. He commented throughout the movie about he did this or seen that. I kept very quiet hoping not to anger him. I could feel him vibrating watching the movie. I knew it was coming. Later, after the movie he started in on me. Breathing pissed him off. He picked up my table and threw it at me. I was able to dodge it but was hit by the many objects that went flying off of it. He left and I cleaned up. I was sleeping when he returned home. He was stinking drunk. He was crying. Nothing he said made sense. I think he was having a flashback. He got out the gun (like so many times before.) He loaded it and was screaming at me. I don't even remember what for. He would point it at me, threatening me. Then laugh. Then do it again. Then he made me sit on the steps to our rec room with the gun. Loaded, safety off. He thought he heard something and went outside. I was to shoot first, ask later. I could smell the gun. It had an oily smell. It felt big and cold. It was very heavy. I hated it. I didn't want to touch it. I sat there in fear of it, fear of him. I wanted to shoot him and shook with the need to. He returned and ripped the gun out of my hands. Forced me to bed at gun point. I was praying Matt wouldn't wake up. He passed out on the bed. Thank god.

Lovely, lovely flashbacks...

Bec

 

[cookie]

bec, your post reminds me so much of my daddy, and he was never in the military. he didn't drink, but he treated my mother much the same as yours did you. i can remember many times him cleaning his guns, making my brother and i sit there and watch, then pointing the guns at us, sometimes pulling the trigger, sometimes not. we were too little to know that they were not loaded at 7 and 4, so it hurt to know that he would consider killing us, later it just bothered me that he thought it was so funny to make us afraid. our house was always tore up from furniture flying in screaming fits, so maybe it's not just the military that will mess somebody up so much, maybe there's something there before the trauma happens, and that makes the response so messed up? who knows.
cathy

 

[becvan]

He once told me that he had joined the military because it was the only place that it was legal to kill people. Yeah, he was screwed right up long before the military. It just drew him like a moth to a light. Taught him skills that he honed for the purposes of torture. He was involved in the Somalia scandal. Fully investigated but they couldn't prove he was behind it. He was. He was very proud of that. I've learned since that he is a bonified psychopath now called "Anti-social personiality disorder." Psychopath fits better. He was fascinated with causing pain. The fact that I survived him, and still survive him, is amazing. It's been four years and he still threatens me and Matt if he sees us. Blah. I hate him.

Bec

 

[anthony]

I think it comes down to two things really:

#1 - How their parents raised them, ie. fear, hatred, no love, mistrust, abandoned, etc etc

#2 - They just have a genetic flaw somewhere along the lines that went wrong