Consensual Sexual Contact Equals Self Hate

[Apul]

[COLOR=rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961)]I made out with a guy last night. It was the second date and we didn't have sex. I made it clear I didn't want to do that. The other person respected that boundary. We did everything up to that point.

It was our second date and the only person I've dated in years.

I did not get triggered or overwhelmed at any point. The other person was kind and respectful and went as far as I let him. I enjoyed it at the time. It felt like fun.

I have been really depressed lately and I liked how good I felt at the time.

I had nightmares all night long about the person. In my dreams, they turned into past abusers.

Today I feel dirty and disgusting. I want to escape my body. I hate me.

The other person had done nothing wrong.

I don't think I can handle human contact. I'm too damaged. I don't know what to do. I want to stop feeling so much hate for myself and my body. [/COLOR]

 

[Vukeh]

You need to recognise your thoughts as being harmful and challenge them.
You said one there "I'm too damaged" - this is a harmful thought. I can't remember the name for this type of thought but my T gave me some resources on this kind of thing.

you need to challenge this thought by thinking of ways this isn't true and reinforcing positivity about yourself. "Yes I have been through a trauma, yes it affected me but I am getting through it. Although I feel upset today, I had a good time last night and that is ok, I am in a better place than I was"

The thought of human contact is too much for you at the moment. But you need to remember that it's normal, you're not "too damaged" or anything else you may tell yourself

 

[Fawak]

I agree with @Vukeh, the feelings you are having right now belong to your past, not last night and not today.

 

[Ameco]

Your body does not deserve that triggered hate and disgust.

The abusers are the ones who are disgusting.
Something I did? I did a ritual in which I symbolically sent the stuff they put on me, that was not me, and that I did not deserve, back to them.

...for some reason, now? The body shame?
I'd think of it as if you were to hand them back their slime buckets.

Like, " This is your slime, not mine.". It really is their slime.

That shame and grossness you feel rightfully belongs to them. You are innocent. So how do you hand it back?
I ask you because you have to make your own unique process of giving back that contamination to the rightful owners.
You don't deserve to be walking around carrying those feelings, that I know for certain.

Hope that is useful?

 

[Liwap]

I agree with the others. Put those negative feelings away from yourself and onto the ones you were abused by. You are innocent! Don't let anyone or anything tell you otherwise.