Contacting Someone From Your Past Trauma

[somethingsomething]

I've been wanting for a long time now to contact a boy who I was very close to during my (and his) sexual abuse. I kept putting it off, but now I really want to talk to him. It's at a point where I'll do just about anything to talk to him again. I guess it's less of a "want" and more of a "need" to talk to him.

The run down of the story is we were really close as kids. He was older (about six years.) He protected me, he loved me, he was my best friend. He moved away or back to where he was from, and I never really saw him again after that. I met him about a year and a half ago, only I didn't know who he is. He was incredibly familiar and comforting, but I just didn't quite understand how. And that's because I didn't remember the abuse (or that particular incident) until about a year after that.

The thing is...I was really young, like 3/4 - and the only thing that I truly have as proof (that this guy is in fact him) is my instinct. Instinctually, I know for a fact it's him. I know it. But I was so young that I don't remember his name or anything like that. And that's what's been holding me back this whole time. No evidential proof. However, a lot of things add up in ways nothing has ever added up before. Basically, if this is simply a coincidence, then this is one hell of a freaking coincidence.

Now, before you guys go off on the whole "maybe he doesn't want to talk to you" thing - I'm not saying he does and I'm not saying he doesn't, but I'm not going to know until I actually talk to him. And I don't want to sit on pins and needles waiting for him to contact me, when maybe he's thinking the same thing about me.

My only real problem is finding a way to contact him. I can contact people who know him, but I really don't want to do that. That seems way too intrusive. I'd rather contact him directly. Any thoughts on how to do this? Any thoughts on what to say to him? Should I find a way to do it in person? Should I call him?

And if you're telling me not to, you really need to give me a damn good reason.

 

[anonymous]

Damn good reason:

You could open his pandoras box. Opening his pandoras box could spin him off into a living hell that is so bad it could ultimately kill him.

My pandoras box almost killed me. SHOULD have killed me.

You envision warm and fuzzies, but equally possible is hell on earth. No exaggeration here.

Think about it.

 

[somethingsomething]

@anonymous I forgot to mention, I'm pretty sure he knows. I know that might be hard to understand considering I'm not 100% sure it's him. But one of the reasons, or one of the things that "added up", was after we met I was standing outside, leaving, and I looked back at him. He was staring right at me and had this expression like he was shocked and couldn't believe it. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but looking back it's almost eerie.

Other than that, I'm pretty sure he's been dealing with his demons for a while. Don't ask me how I know that one, but I'm pretty sure he's remembered and known this the whole time, even before he met me again. He was about 9 when it happened. His memory is probably a lot better in general than mine is. And if anything, I think us accidentally meeting again opened the pandora's box for both of us, to be honest. So box already opened.

 

[Friday]

Private investigator.

I have a fairly long post with my own experience along those lines (which is similar but also different, as we were all adults)... But the sum up is that for me it's essentially 6 of 1 & half a dozen of another. I have a post around here somewhere on it I'll see if I can dig up. Other than that, the only advice I can give is fairly standard; Be yourself. Tread lightly. Mind your expectations. & In my own life I always regret the things I don't do, more than the things I do. Key word is more. There are regrets in both directions. For me, one weighs heavier. But that's me.

 

[scout86]

The idea of talking to him directly, if you can arrange that seems like a good idea.. If you can, then something as simple as "You seem awfully familiar to me. Have we met? Maybe you just remind me of someone I used to know?" That way the ball is in his court. If he remembers you, recognizes you, and wants to reconnect, he can respond that way. If he's a different guy, doesn't remember, or doesn't want to reconnect, he can go that way. You have to be willing to take what ever you get for an answer though.

It's possible he DID recognize you but wasn't sure that reaching out to YOU was a good idea, for your sake. It would be kind of sad if you didn't at least give him the chance to say "No", in my opinion.

 

[somethingsomething]

@FridayJones Please look for it. I'd love to hear your story.

@scout86 That's what I'm thinking. Although, I am nervous. I'm unsure about how I will handle it if he effectively says no. Not with him in person - I know I can walk away and accept it; I just want him to be happy - but outside of that. This thing goes so deep and if he completely shuns me it's like I'd be losing a huge part of me. I feel very connected to him. This wouldn't just be a loss if he said "no", it would be more than that. And I'm definitely scared of that.

But then again I can't not do this. I can't go on like this. I just can't. I have to do it. I have to talk to him. Not talking to him is a loss in and of itself.

 

[The Albatross]

I've had two people from my childhood/youth look me up and one I began to initiate contact with, but had to back of and end the contact. The other one I did not make the contact at all. Some things for me at least, are better left in the past. I don't entirely feel "good" about that... but it was a case of self preservation.