Contradictions.

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I just want to be able to add new memories, rather than be plagued by the old ones and I want to be able to trust others as well as myself. I want not to be alone, but I fear everything other than it so vehemently that I don't know what to do. I know I need to be able to move away before I can start doing good things for me, because it's not that I can't leave the house because I'm terrified of all people (well it is, but maybe I can get past that), but I know that my abusers and their enablers (of which there are many) are less than a mile away - people always ask me if I'm over-exaggerating, but I'm not, my father lives 0.5 miles away, his drug dealer and the person who raped me the highest number of times 0.4, the list goes on and they're all within a mile, possibly a mile and a half and there are so many it's inescapable. I just want normal good things, and I have enough to battle to get that on a psychological basis when I meet someone, let alone without these physical barriers and genuine fears of these people. Sometimes I think that people think (not here, just in general) that my fears are in my head, not literal, tangible, physical fears.

 

[Jenfa]

I feel for you Kas, I have always been in a similar situation. Living with or near the people and having to either see them, hear about them, even just knowing they are there is enough to make a person want to start new somewhere really far away. A couple of times I had to talk myself out of being the attacker because of that desperate need to preserve. I know there's got to be a way to take control without having to flee. Like an exorcism of humans, may it be physically or emotionally. This is your home. The people who think that things are just in your head don't have a place in your home. If something is haunting you in your own safe place, then it does not matter where the safe place is. It can follow you. But you are right about new memories. But this time, your memories. Not theirs. They don't get a dance card to the rest of your life no matter where there are, be across the country or across the table. Home really is where the heart is. Pour your heart into your home, make it a place that is completely 'you'. This may sound weird but change the sounds in your home. If there's traffic outside, a noisemaker or ambient music playing thingie. The tone of a home I think can allow someone to feel safe enough to create new memories and push all of that residual static out. I'm sort of weird like that lmao but I do firmly believe that living people can haunt us.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I think I don't feel at home, I did live on my own for a while but didn't do it well, getting gradually worse and worse as my grandmother sunk her claws in and manipulated me into believing I was a very unwell attention seeker who needed to get over what my father had done and forgive him. Now I live back at home with my mum and sisters and they have done nothing wrong, believe me. We're all no longer in contact with that side of the family, but we feel this great sense of oppression. Moreover, this is a three bedroom house with five people living in it. I need the care side of living at home and the connection side of having family close because I have no one else, but I really need to be on my own and I find it a battle to deal with this. I don't feel at home in the local area though and whilst I get what you're saying about not really needing to flee, I want to - this isn't my home and hasn't been for quite some time. I worry that it took me so long to get therapy if I move I will have to start all over again, and I will have to leave the family I do care about but more than that even if I put those things aside - which I could - I don't have the money to move away. I keep hoping something is going to give and maybe it will, but it seems like wishful thinking and all of this time I'm lonely. 98% of the time I'm ok with that, but 2% of the time I just feel so lonely. I know I could adjust to having someone in my life, but I don't see why anyone would want me in theirs and I understand that, but it's not helpful. **Sigh** I'm rambling. Nevermind!

 

[Badger]

Kas my sufferer says the same thing. I dont know how to handle the level of isolation he seems to require and still be there for him because its hard for me to find enough sustanance in that. I would suggest that you start with friendship- that seems to be where we are at right now. I think we both want more (I've never had someone just want to kiss me for an hour-amazing!) and he seems similarly attracted but overcome with stress about the whole thing. I guess I think maybe he needs more familiarity to get over his anxiety. I'm sure you probably have some really awesome qualities you dont even think about to offer to someone else. You ought to write a list of your positive qualities, it might give you some perspective.