Upside Down Eagle
Diamond Member
In the past two months I've been experiencing crisis after crisis... I thought about it long and hard, and I figured now it's at its worst because I'm apparently ready now to handle the very darkest shit of my childhood. I feel like of those matryoshka dolls: I went through a series of stages, where first I was acting distant and withdrawn, then agressive, then arrogant.
And finally my last shield seems to be crumbling down, leading me to this conclusion: I am not who I thought I was. I am not the person that tries very hard to come across as cool, awesome and really tough all the time. Apparently I do also have the ability to love, which is an ability I forgot during years of time but seem to be recovering lately (like in my "forgiveness" thread).
Being the smallest of the dolls, re-discovering the incredible fear that I used to have in my heart when I was about seven, has unleashed the worst kind of anxiety and anger attacks on me which I have been battling the past weeks. In my home so many things have broken: the laptop, the keyboard and mouse, an entire door, two water taps. I demolished them in my horrible blind rage that frequently ensues when I get panick.
But today I managed to stop an anxiety attack half-way, before it got bad! I was dizzy, spinning and incredibly afraid, having nasty mental visions; in the meantime I kept looking at a picture of somebody I love, tried to breathe deeply, and used an app on my phone called "SAM" (it's free I believe). It has several exercises where you have to follow the instructions to calm down. Within ten minutes, the panic was gone.
When I realized what I had done I couldn't stop smirking: so encouraging, such a relief! I even went to the supermarket afterwards and didn't freak. I recalled that people around me just act cool for the same reasons as I: they are also pretty scared of their surroundings.
Yay!
And finally my last shield seems to be crumbling down, leading me to this conclusion: I am not who I thought I was. I am not the person that tries very hard to come across as cool, awesome and really tough all the time. Apparently I do also have the ability to love, which is an ability I forgot during years of time but seem to be recovering lately (like in my "forgiveness" thread).
Being the smallest of the dolls, re-discovering the incredible fear that I used to have in my heart when I was about seven, has unleashed the worst kind of anxiety and anger attacks on me which I have been battling the past weeks. In my home so many things have broken: the laptop, the keyboard and mouse, an entire door, two water taps. I demolished them in my horrible blind rage that frequently ensues when I get panick.
But today I managed to stop an anxiety attack half-way, before it got bad! I was dizzy, spinning and incredibly afraid, having nasty mental visions; in the meantime I kept looking at a picture of somebody I love, tried to breathe deeply, and used an app on my phone called "SAM" (it's free I believe). It has several exercises where you have to follow the instructions to calm down. Within ten minutes, the panic was gone.
When I realized what I had done I couldn't stop smirking: so encouraging, such a relief! I even went to the supermarket afterwards and didn't freak. I recalled that people around me just act cool for the same reasons as I: they are also pretty scared of their surroundings.
Yay!
