Coping with others reactions...

[WhiteHatGirl]

What goes on inside me is, if others try to fix, I get angry. I get tired. I've thought my way through almost every kind of remote solutions to situations before I get on a list like this in desperation. But I want to hear more, "I've been there, and you'll get past this" then, restating my ICKY situations I've put myself in like its SHAMING Me, upsetting me more.

I don't want the, "I hear you saying, YOU PUT YOURSELF IN DANGER WITH A trucker "intimation with others words....The HURTS me MORE. I already KNOW I was in a very crummy situation. It was sleep outside or go on the free ride across the country back to the state I'm used to living in. It's not helpful. I want to hear I hear you are saying in GENERAL this PHRASE IS very upsetting, Triggering. NOt POINT out the ickyness of the situation. I hear SHAME when others talk to me like this.

Shame on you for doing this, that, the other, you never do anything right. You should have done something else! It's abusive to me.

I am essentially talking about being very sensitive to subtle put downs, shaming, and condesention in chat forums-even this one. It's not ptsd, but it's tied to my sensitivity over it. I cannot just ignore what people say because I can feel them telling me I have no value in their words and "I'm a bad person" to be hacked to pieces and abused online. I live with it day in and day out with family and people I attract like the plague(Narcissists, and antisocial personalities). It hurts me constantly in social situations.

 

[ladee]

Then start practicing setting boundaries and tell people what you need. Especially if the words feel shaming.

But keeping in mind, sometimes things are said to us to help us grow. And we all have to work on shame.

Hopefully there is a balance for you.

And you do plenty right. You honestly shared your feelings. Sounds healthy and that you are growing! A lot right with that!

 

[Deleted member 541]

Are people really telling you that you have no value, or are you just feeling it because you are so sensitive???? There is a difference in what people actually say, and HOW we perceive what they say......

 

[joeylittle]

I don't want the, "I hear you saying, YOU PUT YOURSELF IN DANGER WITH A trucker "intimation with others words....The HURTS me MORE. I already KNOW I was in a very crummy situation. It was sleep outside or go on the free ride across the country back to the state I'm used to living in. It's not helpful. I want to hear I hear you are saying in GENERAL this PHRASE IS very upsetting, Triggering. NOt POINT out the ickyness of the situation. I hear SHAME when others talk to me like this.

OK, I'm going to tackle this one head on. I'm fairly sure the post you are referring to is this one:

You're on a road trip (hitch hiking?) and the truck driver you're with just said the same thing to you (that you don't listen) that your abuser used to say to you?

A big thing that people with mental health problems struggle with - and I can speak from experience, because I have loads of trouble with these - is cognitive distortions.

Cognitive distortions occur when our interpretation of reality differs from reality itself. It's very easy to have distortions happen on the internet. Text communication is really hard. It's easy to make assumptions about tone. And the assumptions we can make about tone play right into our achilles heels.

This happens to everyone - not just the mentally ill. The difference is, people with psych disorders are quicker to magnify our own fears/negative core beliefs.

So: @Friday put "(hitch hiking?)" - She didn't say

"I hear you saying, YOU PUT YOURSELF IN DANGER WITH A trucker " intimation with others words

She didn't say it, or imply it.

Can you see that?

(I truly understand how you thought that it was a criticism. I'm asking if you can see how it wasn't.)

 

[Suzetig]

But I want to hear more, "I've been there, and you'll get past this" then, restating my ICKY situations I've put myself in like its SHAMING Me,

What you're asking for is empathy, which is lovely - it's great to have someone say "that sounds so rough, i really get how you feel". That's great, soothing stuff and we all need it. It helps us feel connected, not so alone in our screwed up lives and gives us hope. Hope that we can recover and reach a new place without shame and fear.

That hope is worthless without real ness - without people being real with you and giving you space to be real too. I could say to you "I hear how you feel, how awful that was and I know there's a way through it". Sadly the way through for me and most people has been to really explore situations and feelings that were excruciatingly painful and shameful to me, to really understand what was mine and what was someone else's stuff and to leave responsibility where it belonged. That's meant people asking questions that felt very hard, really picking things apart and helping me see myself as others see me (which btw was nowhere near as shameful and worthless as I thought). There isn't a pain free way through this, I wish there were but you're in pain anyway - it's whether the pain of being where you are is greater than the pain of growing - and only you can decide that.

Shame keeps us stuck in a place, locked away from healing relationships, needlessly. Can you think of shame as being yet another symptom, something to be worked on rather than something to be wielded like a sword to fend off people who would really like to help you.

Empathy is lovely stuff but reality, that's what helps us grow.

 

[Friday]

I don't want the, "I hear you saying, YOU PUT YOURSELF IN DANGER WITH A trucker "intimation with others words....The HURTS me MORE. I already KNOW I was in a very crummy situation. It was sleep outside or go on the free ride across the country back to the state I'm used to living in. It's not helpful. I want to hear I hear you are saying in GENERAL this PHRASE IS very upsetting, Triggering. NOt POINT out the ickyness of the situation. I hear SHAME when others talk to me like this.

For the record? Not one of those things ever entered my head. The judgements, shaming, & put downs? Aren't mine. I didn't say them, intend them, or even think them.

I was asking for clarification, because I didn't understand what you were saying. That's it.

Also, for the record : I've hitched tons. I've ridden with truckers. I've spent years homeless, traveling, and far more years simply traveling. I enjoy traveling, although it's got some inherent quirks -depending a lot on what country you're in- and the Hollywood nonsense from horror flicks & comedies? Is mostly that. One of the hands down safest places to be if you're stranded in this country? Truck stops. Not only have they got showers, & laundry, & food, & work... But most people who drive truck are really decent folk. Making friends there = a huge community of people who've got your back, nationwide, with only the occasional asshole to avoid. Shrug.

Not only that? I've talked about both those things -extensively- here on the forums. So I'm not just pulling this outta my ass. Your interpretation of what I "really" meant? Is completely wrong.

All I was trying to do -in both posts- was to understand what you were saying.

 

[WhiteHatGirl]

What you're asking for is empathy, which is lovely - it's great to have someone say "that sounds so rou...

You are ignoring the veiled bullying approach that was more based in shaming me then in supporting me. I will always shut down when I am treated in such an unhealthy way, and maybe I can sense it better than others. I won't tolerate being ripped to shreads to be made fun of in a public forum. That is an atypical Narcissistic abusive behavior and it shouldnt be tolerated anywhere!

 

[WhiteHatGirl]

For the record? Not one of those things ever entered my head. The judgements, shaming, & put downs? Aren...

Then why didn't you start with "I've hitched plenty of rides....etc" in your response? Your approach was condescending.

 

[Friday]

Then why didn't you start with "I've hitched plenty of rides....etc" in your response?

Because being on a roadtrip with a trucker? Doesn't = Hitchhiking. It's just one of a LOT of possibilities.

That was me, showing you the respect of asking rather than assuming.

You seem to have built this huge story of what my motives really were, assuming a helluva lot about me, and calling me a metric shit-ton of names based off of what you imagined me to be doing... When you could have just asked. And I'd have told you.

 

[Suzetig]

and maybe I can sense it better than others.

Or maybe you expect people to treat you that way and so that's your starting assumption for interactions with others. I didn't see anyone bullying you or ripping you to shreds, I did see someone trying to get an understanding of what was a pretty incoherent post.

My experience of you on here is that you post in quite a vague way, with the apparent expectation that people will immediately understand what you're saying and offer you unqualified support and when that doesn't happen you're reactive as all hell and quick to blame and shame others for triggering you. You seem unable or unwilling to reflect on the possibility that you may be seeing others through your own lens and that there may be some congnitive distortion at play. That's a choice you get to make but recovery is going to be a long slow process if you aren't prepared to at least consider that your disorder means you need to challenge your own thinking and perception.

 

[Klo]

@WhiteHatGirl you are perceiving something real, when you are perceiving that someone is shaming you and blaming you for being a victim of a predator. However, that someone is you. It's your own subconscious mind, your own inner child, that is filled with toxic shame. That is why you see and hear it everywhere, because it is always with you, inside of your mind. I know this might sound corny, but really you are the one who needs to let your inner child know that it wasn't her fault. You know it already on a conscious, higher intellectual and logical level, but on that deep, emotional subconscious level, your inner child thinks it is her fault, that part of you that was never properly treated in a nurturing, protective and supportive way when you were developing, and thus never developed an inherent sense that they (that you) never deserve to be abused or targeted by predators, regardless of circumstance.

 

[mumstheword]

@WhiteHatGirl you are perceiving something real, when you are perceiving that someone i...

This could have been written for me. I know this so well. I have lived this so much.
Thank you for your clarifying words! @Klo