Corrosive Self Doubt

[ms spock]

The corrosive self doubt is actually starting to shift, just enough for me to see outside it. I never thought that this would happen, but it is.

 

[ms spock]

It has been one hell of a long and winding road.

 

[dulcia]

I am experiencing corrosive self doubt on and off - even when I am more than capable of doing a thing or have done that in the past.

This. Thank you for introducing me to this phrase, "corrosive self doubt". I struggle so so hard with this that it's starting to affect my relationships with others and my job.

 

[ms spock]

It is not easy @dulcia.

I am listening to Brene Brown's audiobook "The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings on Authenticity, Connection and Courage". It is really interesting.

 

[ms spock]

Well I have been assessing a new living situation. I think that the places I have been seeing are inappropriate for various reasons. And my gut feeling is give those ones a miss, and I am on the money.

I am not liking being here in myself. I feel really frustrated and angry, and rightly so, given the circumstances.

 

[ms spock]

Working on this - making progress.

 

[ms spock]

So corrosive self doubt has made me gullible to abusive men. The reason that I type this is because I thought it was my social phobia, and reactive attachment disorder that wanted to avoid PTW, but no it was not social phobia, or my attachment disorder, but my deeper self picking up what he was doing, that he was not safe to be around.

I doubted myself, and I got done over.

This is why I dissociate and avoid people so as to avoid situations like this. But anyhow I have more of an idea of how to manage this better next time.

And I realise that I can trust my own perceptions and reality.

I dissociated because he was not safe, and I needed to have listened to myself.

I also picked up that he was using B to a certain extent but it was much more than that. I felt so ashamed of my own neediness and wanting to be looked after, and my issues that I didn't challenge what he was doing. I just dissociated and checked out.

I also picked up his lies, but I didn't challenge him, or unpick that apart. He is a manipulative bastard. He is so clever with his gas lighting and lying. I doubted my reactions and my perceptions so I was much more on the money than I gave myself credit for. I picked it, I didn't let myself know that I picked it, but I did.

I also thought that he was scared to make the commitment, but it was much more than that he was angling to move in here and let me look after his daughter by default.

He was trying to get B and I to give him more work, and a place to live where he didn't have to step up to the plate and take some responsibility or even be a half arsed adult.

So whilst this has been really triggering I can also see I did really well in standing my ground and picking up some stuff. No wonder my body went into major muscle contraction and pain.

Now it is time to start trusting my reality and my perceptions.

 

[ms spock]

I am on my way to actually being able to deal with this, and as it has ruled my life from me being a small child, that is quite a relief.

 

[ms spock]

I am going to totally bust this down. I am going to totally smash this apart. I started to doubt myself when I was sending out the emails about post suicide support, and then I thought I am NOT going to second guess myself, this is good enough, and I can do it. And we don't wait until we have another suicide, we don't wait for the next tragedy. We don't wait for the domino effect, of another death, we get it going now. So I really sent out six really good and clear emails, so the information is on hand, because given L dealt with over 80 organisations, plus the corporate stuff (189 people at one event) plus the 100 plus volunteers on the Gold Coast, nevertheless staff and volunteers Australia wide, and some of clientele are some of the most vulnerable Australians with severe mental health issues, the homeless, particularly women over 65, and women with children, those feeling domestic violence, and those that have lived with substantial struggles in their lives - well L openly embraced everyone she came in contact with - they are going to be devastated. So I said to myself no - I am not doing that. I am not going there! I am going to send out these emails now, because stuff has to be in place promptly. It is L's funeral today - private family affair - and oh it is so sad. But goddamn it I am not going to torture myself with second guessing myself. And my emails were good, sound and substantial. I did one email = one organisation so it is easy to find the correct phone numbers for the particular area within Australia. I got a thank you email and a phone call back from head office. And N sent me an email thanking me for all the resources. So it was there in the email subject lines Suicide Call Back Line, and the Stand By post suicide support - so it is easy to access, and they are resources to pass on to all our many hundreds of people who will be affected by this suicide.

I am an okay person, and I have a lot to offer, no more hiding in neurotic thinking patterns that make me little, small, and invisible. My parents are not here, no one is going to torture me with every answer being wrong.

It is a really sad day today. A really sad day is today.

 

[ms spock]

I am really struggling with this again, again, and again. I am doing a bit better with it though. I am getting better at challenging my thought patterns.

 

[ms spock]

I am making great progress with this at this time. I am really busting through it. I am turning up. I am doing things.