Death Cougar... and the past

[ms spock]

Rocking helps the most. I have a rocking chair at my computer for that reason.

That sounds like a great thing to have - a rocking chair.

I do small rocking in bed and I want to do more standing rocking.

 

[Guest for now]

I recommend them, hope you can get one. In my opinion the ones that slide back and forth are even better.

 

[Guest for now]

I can tell my prefrontal cortex is not working well because I remember all the people explaining to me why this is not my fault, but it still feels like it is and it's hard to connect to the logic. There must be a way to integrate the information so my whole brain knows it.

I've been avoiding the phone, there is someone I'm supposed to get back to who I just can't face right now, who is notoriously bad with this kind of thing (well, not that I've saved cats from cougars before, but I mean this person is really bad at talking to traumatized people). There should be workshops where people could learn the basics. I don't know how many people would attend but it is so needed. Basically every time something traumatic has happened to me there is a secondary trauma because of all the people who don't get it. Which leads me to isolate. Which leads to not having a solid support system. Which leads to... I'm sure people get the idea. It's not even all that hard to understand. I think people are afraid to try. Like if you haven't faced trauma yourself, you're afraid to know that the symptoms are normal reactions because that means it could happen to you. It's easier to either pretend people don't suffer like this, or believe that if they do, it's because they're doing something wrong. I think. I guess it's as hard for me to relate to them as for them to relate to me.

I'm in frozen shock, if that's a thing. Like I have to remind myself to breathe and to blink, and it's hard to stand up straight. Phasing in and out of reality. Unable to make basic decisions like what to eat. This is so much more to me than a cougar killing a cat. Not that that is such a small thing. But this is way more. I truly do not understand people who say things like "they are all around us, that happens" as if that fact should make everything all right. To me these people are speaking a different language.

The message was brought home to me so many times. "Anything you love will be killed." I have moments of clarity when I know this is not what happened. But I can slip under the spell of the programming so easily. A change in light. A careless word. A cold wind. It's so easy. Which is why I'm avoiding the phone.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm not sure the parts that are stuck in triggered states/don't feel safe, understand logic. My T helped me realise that talking to them and using words is likely to be too developed for them if they are young parts and not cognitively able to understand. Using more tactile things and engaging them in other ways might help. What helps me is stroking my arm or giving myself a hug, or using a fidgety toy etc. Something little/young parts might like to soothe them.
Do things like that work for you?



Yeah, it can be a lonely cycle of isolation. Having one person at least that gets it helps.

Keep reaching out on here in the meantime. And soon you will have your therapy appointment.

 

[Guest for now]

I'm not sure the parts that are stuck in triggered states/don't feel safe, understand logic.

Yes, of course you are right.

What helps me is stroking my arm or giving myself a hug, or using a fidgety toy etc. Something little/young parts might like to soothe them.
Do things like that work for you?

When it's this bad, honestly not so much. That works when I am more co-conscious. When there is clearly both adult and child present. Here, the child parts - and otherwise traumatized parts - are stealing the show. I'm actually feeling more traumatized as the reality of the situation sets in, than I was the first couple of days.

Honestly what I think would help the most, are cats. Inside, safe. This was my emotional support animal, even though she wasn't mine. If I could find someone who would let me hang out with their cats, it would help. I know a few people who would likely let me do that if I asked. Not sure I could even articulate that request to anyone who could help with it, at the moment. It will have to wait for a time when there is more of an adult present.

Hopefully my acupuncture treatment tomorrow will bring some relief.