Could Breaking Up Be A Form Of Avoidance?

[Apuf]

My on and off again boyfriend and I had been fighting for a while but agreed to attempt couples counseling. He has moderate PTSD and TBI and is not in any form of treatment or on any medication.

We hadn't started our counseling yet but had been getting along great for a couple weeks and decided to spend this weekend together. Then one day he suddenly canceled our plans, saying he didn't think we should spend time together without going to counseling first. That hurt, but I understood. Then a couple days later, he said he wasn't sure counseling was a good idea at all and would only give us false hope.

I found out today that he had consulted with his friends about us, and while they may be well intentioned, are only hearing his side of things, and also aren't aware of his PTSD since he's only told a select few, and they recommended that he simply cut his losses and move on.

He told me that while he absolutely adores me and always will, he doesn't see the point in trying any longer, and even suggested we see other people! I told him that while that crushes me, I respect his decision, and he's free to go, yet he still finds reasons to continue to contact me.

Why the sudden and dramatic shifts? And why not officially take the out if that's what he's looking for?

All this happened within the span of a week. I'm reeling and devastated.

Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Ewuvel]

Fear. Being vulnerable. Fear of abandonment. Leave them before they leave me. Getting too close.

Only he can answer that but that is what I see when I fear this. Fear.

 

[Naden]

He has a major mental health condition but no treatment.

He has a TBI and no treatmwnr for that either.

You have been fighting and suggested counseling... which is treatment...

And he has repeated the pattern and avoided that too.

His canceling counseling was predictable.

His breaking up also fits with lots of arguing.

Only he can say why he is breaking up, but it likely has to do with the fights more than anything else, and he's clearly not interested in clinical support for anything.

 

[Odafob]

My on and off again boyfriend and I had been fighting for a while but agreed to attempt couples counseling. He has modera...

My on and off again boyfriend and I had been fighting for a while but agreed to attempt couples counseling. He has modera...

Apuf, divorcing my husband (breaking up) many years ago was definitely (before diagnoses) avoidance issue; for I deep in me knew that I could not connect with him and bond with him then, and was terrified of long-term commitments of any kind. Was like a fairy flitting around from relationship to relationship never staying in one place too long. Same with career. Running on empty I call this part of my life; unable to look within and unable to know that I even needed to - and begin the healing process because I had not been dx'd back then with ptsd and maj. dep. Had no clue that ptsd and major dep were lurking just beneath surfaceof my psyche. I was never taught about the degrees of intimacy - so it was either head first and deal w/aftermath later, or no commitment and I avoided it like the plague. Guys this one in particular sounds like he (with intitially bringing up couples therapy) has been willing to try and seek help for the two of you Apuf - I even respect his willingness to bring up couples counseling sounds like he wants your relationship to move forward; again even recommending counseling for the two of you Apuf; and many men (not saying him cuz don't know him fully) have somewhat of a fear of commitment, ya know. Him having and being aware since he also has ptsd - of your issues (along with his own personal and seemingly private ptsd issues) may have played factor in him putting on his brakes, so to speak. That you were candidly honest about your dx and he has been too, well, all I know is this - relationships can be fulfilling to the couple, and with or without ptsd dx's relationships are hard ass work (pardon me) and if you both are willing to move forward and tackle couples therapy and seek help well, the sky is the limit, of course, one day at a time. I wish you all the good fortune and happiness, Apuf. One more thing on him continuing to contact you while he sees other people, boundaries in order - guard your heart, guard with the ferociousness of a lion. You are unique, special, and one of a kind and a treasure! Not to be trifled with and if you can (I know you care about this fellow) R-E-S-P-E-C-T for yourself. You are not a rug, you are a rare and precious gem and him coming in and out - well the old revolving door, here I am oops I am gone again, what I'm trying to say is respect yourself and others will respect you - again with strong boundaries and what you will put up with from him and what you will not put up with - here is, oh there he goes. You are not to be trifled with for you are precious and deserve to be treated with deep abiding respect so set those boundaries and he will either follow them, or else. Adoration does not equal alienation and distancing himself from you. Boundaries, sweet Apuf. Respect yourself. This hurts and it hurts a lot, and you are not alone Apuf, continue to reach out here for guidance, for I am only one viewpoint and there are many here that are in relationships that will guide you through this issue with fellow. Again much success I hope and wish for you, Apuf.

 

[Apuf]

So could it be he'd rather lose me, the so-called "love of his life" than endure the pain that counseling could bring up?

 

[Wohiz]

Why be with someone who doesn't make you a priority? This isn't all about him, you are in this relationship too, are you happy with the way things are?

 

[Guhif]

He cares about you but the relationship is too stressful.

 

[Ohah]

So could it be he'd rather lose me, the so-called "love of his life" than endure the pain that counseling could bring up?

It could be. It could also be that he': just not into you.

So many possibilities...

 

[Oduz]

Seems to me that breaking up can be more a form of an attachment issue than "avoidance" ... but that's just my take.

 

[Duwat]

Exactly.

Who wants to attach when it only means pain and stress and stress and stress and eventually more pain from un-attachment (breaking up)?

 

[Ugo]

Ironically, I feel his condition is the reason for the immense stress in the relationship.

 

[Igu]

^^ This was posted by the OP by the way.