Could I Be Going Through It Again, What Is Happening To Me?

[Reds]

I am not sure if this is the right forum to discuss this but I really need to understand what is going on in my head.

Being sexually abused in my childhood I grew up to hate males. There was no such thing as a good male in my head. So in my teen years I started dating girls and really enjoyed it even though I had to hide it because I knew my parents would freak out. But those were my best years. Realizing that I cannot keep up with secret relationships I started dating guys in my 20's.
To cut the long story short, I had a very difficult weekend. I attended an event and my abuser was there as well. It was very uncomfortable for me but I just couldn't leave. I stopped thinking, I couldn't run or anything of that sort and I felt nothing, I was just numb.

After the weekend I find I am having dreams about girls and I now can't stand being around my partner. Since the weekend I am just shut down, he tries to reach out to me but it seems something in me that was starting to live just died again. I feel nothing for anyone not even for myself.

I am not sure what is happening to me. My partner hasn't done anything wrong to me but why am I now treating him this way. He doesn't even know what happened over the weekend. Does anyone ever go through this confusion

 

[HelenB]

I am sorry to hear that you are finding things so hard. I also had a time as a teenager where I was in a relationship with another girl and in so many ways felt so much safer.

I am fortunate that I have been able to be totally honest with my husband and though it is very hard I do know he is safe. I still struggle a lot with intimacy and particularly with so many things coming up at the moment find it very hard at times to not run away from it all, and know that at these times I do not deal with it very well at all, but knowing that safety now and that he really is safe I know helps and though in my child place I am still screaming so much, feeding that in from my adult place when I can do that, I know helps.

I imagine it must have been so hard for you to see your abuser and am not surprised that it has brought up so many mixed emotions and feelings for you. I do not know what your situation with your partner is, but really hope you can be honest with him about all the things going on, and learn more for yourself that you can find safety in some men, despite the screaming I imagine must still be going on in that little girl place where it sounds as if you still feel so unsafe.

God bless
Helen

 

[Jane.l]

I had a very special relationship with a girl when I was i my teens and it was the safest relationship I have had. She saved me from going down a very dark path.

At the beginning of therapy I really felt drawn to her again although I no longer see her I can contact her and that made me wonder about my sexuality - but I just don't want anyone at the moment so maybe it's something to explore another time.

I also found that I totally switched off from sex with the ptsd which I believe is not unusual but makes it difficult to sustain a relationship. Well actually I didn't as I am now getting divorced but I think we were going that way anyway.

Sorry not very helpful but I do understand where you are . You are going through a lot and there are feelings and emotions getting churned up ,just try and go with it , take it slowly .

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

This maybe somewhat helpful to you:

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/thoughts-about-being-bisexual.32754/

Not sure how helpful so just FYI.

 

[Jane.l]

The other way I look at it is I am very comfortable being bi sexual and so it's not that I choose to have a relationship with a man or a woman , I don't make my decision based on the sex of a partner . I have a relationship based on attraction . So if I was married I would no more cheat on him with a woman than I would a man . Which almost makes it a non issue for me.

Not totally sure that made sense - sorry

 

[RussH]

Reds, it is completely understandable for you to have such a reaction after seeing your abuser. I can't say, from your discription, that you had a flashback, but it certainly reopened old wounds. I find that when I have a similar situation, reliving the hurt of trauma, that I withdraw in my relationship, especially in the area of sexual intimacy. I almost shut down in that area, and have no real interest in it.

However, I have learned that as I recover from the episode and re-establish a sense of normalcy for me, that the rest of my life returns to normal. I think you just give yourself some time, and you will find your willingness to enjoy your partner's compaionship rekindle.

I am truly sorry for your past experiences, and hate it that you had such a negative experience with men. I want you to know that we are not all creeps, and that there are actually so decent guys out there.

I truly hope you find healing from your past, and get to the place where you can embrace your present and future.