Could I Be Partly To Blame For What Happened?

[Heather]

I finally told my therapist today what happened to me when I was in college. My roommate met these guys that were in a country music band and invited them back to our house for a party. What I didn't tell him was that I came onto that guy. I was very, very drunk. we ended up in my room and on my bed. The room was very dark. I didn't know what was happening and he pulled his pants down and shoved his penis in my mouth. then he came in my mouth. it was disgusting. I was gagging. I didn't want that to happen. But I didn't know that he was going to do that! I wasn't prepared for him to do that! I didn't want him to do that! I didn't like that!

Is it my fault? I was so out of it? It's my fault because I allowed myself to get that drunk because I never drink. My roommate said it was my fault because she asked me if I was ok when we were in there and I said yes. so, I couldn't say that something bad happened later because no one would believe me.

It took me 3 - 4 days to fully remember what happened. My therapist asked me if he physically assaulted me? but he didn't. After that happened we went back to the party and acted like nothing happened. two days later I left Colorado and flew back to Connecticut.

 

[Heather]

I think this is probably why I don't care that my wrist got sliced putting away the christmas tree...maybe I shouldn't have opened up all this crap after so many years. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of self-destruction. Or maybe I'm just over-reacting and need to get a grip. drama runs in my family. if you met my 7 y/o you'd know what i'm talking about.

 

[KP the nut]

(((Heather)))

I'm so sorry you feel like this. My turn to be there for you today

.

YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. It is easy to say but, and I'm the same, we need to learn to love ourselves. We are worth a lot, we just have to believe it.

Remember we are still linking arms

.

Love KP

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Hi Heather,

You didn't expect it. A gentleman would not have done that. This particular guy was a jerk and a cad, and probably drunk as well.

You said you went through a stage of being promiscuous (which happens with a significant number of people who have been sexually abused as children). That really set you up for getting into a situation like this. It wasn't your fault that he did that (and yes, without your willingness and wanting him to do what he did, it IS an assault.) Your roommate was wrong, what he did wasn't your fault. Because of the circumstances, you probably wouldn't be able to prove much in court; but you can know that it was very wrong of him to do that.

I had a woman in my sexual assault support group, that was there because of exactly the same thing. It really affected her. I think most men really don't realize what forcing sexual activity beyond what a woman is ready for, (even if they're already having sex), what that does to the psyche of a woman. We were made to respond when we feel loved and safe, with a gentle, considerate mate. Any male involved with porn gets a very twisted idea of how to "make love", and many just don't know how to gauge a woman's arousal state and what she is ready for or desires. What this stranger did was to use your body in ways you'd never been exposed to in a loving way, when you were hoping for a good and healing experience. It added to the trauma that you have already been carrying IMHO.

I think that's why the desire to cut. It's one more thing heaped into the pile of stinking trauma you've been carrying, and adds to the shame, guilt, "dirty" crud that overloads the system within abuse. You don't need to punish yourself.
It was good that you talked with your therapist about this, and go ahead and tell him about "coming onto" the guy. Your therapist won't be surprised, you don't need to feel guilty about it, it's critical that you are open and honest in therapy, so he can get a really good handle on what happened, what you're feeling, and help you handle it all, and help you learn how to cope in positive, healthy ways; rather than self-destructive ways.

You know you don't need to cut. I hope you'll treat yourself to some positive, self-nurturing care today (and tomorrow,... :) )
With much love,
Deer

 

[NIKI]

Heather in your altered state you weren't in any condition to consent to what he did. He was WRONG, WRONG WRONG! Until a man hears the words YES from any woman in any circumstance, he has no right to even touch her. Even if you did come on to him and flirt with him...until he hears yes the answer is NO!

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Heather,

I think we all as part of the human race do the best we can with the skills and coping methods we have at the time, and frequently that can involve a lot of avoidance (in sex, drugs, drinking, addictions of any kind, self-harm, work, etc- whatever). And yes, I agree, I think that it is a form of self-destruction, or at least ultimately does destroy many people, simply because they're not healthy coping methods. Sometimes though, I think that it is also an attempt to avoid suicide- not ideal as far as coping goes but the best one can do for survival.

That being said, that was a long time ago, and now you are trying to analyze it and live in different ways- and you will, and are- with different knowledge, support, help, tools, love and understanding, of yourself and from others.

No, you are not to blame: I believe the term is "informed consent"- how much can anyone 'agree' to when they are drunk, or depressed, or semi-suicidal? (I mean, anyone, at any time).
What matters now is 'now', you have no need to feel ashamed.

Btw, heard yesterday a quote (from C.S. Lewis) if is was quoted accurately, that when people are verbally abusive (to you) the words are not 'true' just those that will most truly offend.

You are a beautiful and dear person, with a whole new life.

Much as these crappy traumas have to be dealt with, those days are in the past. You have beautiful ones ahead.

 

[Seneca]

There are plenty of "ambiguous" situations where two drunk people have sex and one of them regrets it in the morning...then there are dark rooms where you don't know WHAT the hell is going on. Sounds like this was the latter.

Sure, getting really drunk may not be the wisest choice, but hey, that's your right. If that guy thinks you being drunk makes you his property, then I'd like to see how he'd react to the same thing happening to him.

Feeling shame, like this was your fault, is just a defense mechanism to make you feel like you're still in control. It does not, in any way, mean you are to blame.

 

[anthony]

What I didn't tell him was that I came onto that guy. I was very, very drunk. we ended up in my room and on my bed. The room was very dark. I didn't know what was happening and he pulled his pants down and shoved his penis in my mouth. then he came in my mouth. it was disgusting. I was gagging. I didn't want that to happen. But I didn't know that he was going to do that! I wasn't prepared for him to do that! I didn't want him to do that! I didn't like that!

Here's the thing, and you may not like this, but I am going to tell you nonetheless.

This is consensual sex. So if you want to assign fault... then yes, you are at fault for your decisions. Your self guilt for your own actions unfortunately do not qualify as sexual abuse or sexual assault after the fact.

If you said no, if you where forced, sure... but you did not mention any of these things in what I felt was an honest perception of what occurred. Drunken sex is a stupid decision... now you have to accept your decision and live with it, maybe learn a lesson and not do it again. Maybe you will do it again, time will tell.

 

[intothelight]

The room was very dark. I didn't know what was happening and he pulled his pants down and shoved his penis in my mouth.

I was going to stay out of this, but honestly, you really can't say no with a penis shoved in your mouth. Had a similar situation happen to me in high school. It not consensual and I didn't have time to say no; but I bit and bit hard!

I hope he never did it again without asking first.

What is written can be seen from many different points of view, and before I make any comments (especially on a sensitive subject), it is always best to ask for clarification.

Heather, I was not trying to hi-jack you thread, nor am I being argumentative. Just offering my opinion and my perspective.

 

[StressyJen]

Heather, as a result of many traumas I began putting myself in compromising positions and did a lot of dumb stuff and had more trauma because of it. I don't think it matters so much whose fault this one particular incendent is. I spent over 20 years trying to figure out if the way my mother treated me was my fault or not, please don't do that to yourself. Realize that it happened and it sucked and now you are hurting, and work on it from there. If your therapist is good you can tell him the total truth so he can help you do that. Many many people get drunk at that age and bad things happen because of it (myself included) - you are not alone in making big whopper mistakes, especially at that age. Best wishes to you in working this all out.

 

[Heather]

Here's the background information that you guys want:

My roommate went to a concert and met these guys that played in a band. She brought back the fiddler and the keyboardist. When they found out that I was leaving in 2 days they said we had to have a party and I had to get drunk. I said I hardly ever drink but when I do it's tequila. They came back and we started doing shots of tequila. Within a half hour we all were pretty much drunk. We ordered pizza and I could barely walk I was so drunk. After dinner I had to goto the b.r. and my roommate helped me onto the toilet and her boyfriend came in and saw me naked! I yelled at him to get out. Then I told that guy I wanted to talk to him..... After he did that my roommate came back with her friends and the party resumed. I said nothing about what he did and went on with the night. He just kept drinking and drinking and acted like nothing. After awhile I went to bed.

 

[anthony]

Reading your post I feel pretty attacked.

Hi Heather,

Thanks for your responses. Attacking you is not my aim, but I do have questions, yes. I would say I am disappointed in some members who took it beyond what it is, being my initial questions to yourself.

It was summer and he must not have been wearing any underwear. He never took his shorts off. We were NOT kissing and the next thing I knew he was on top of me and shoved his penis in my mouth.

Yes, this now changes the dynamics. Saying that, many other questions are only raised, and I ask questions because I don't like to presume.

I didn't consent to it. I don't consider it a rape. Maybe it was an assault. I know how I felt during and afterwards. I know it's something that I never wanted to happen. It's nothing something that I liked or consented to.

Ok... and here are my questions as raised previously, because in one breathe you are asking if you are to blame, but then in another you are saying it isn't rape, just sexual assault. Sexual assault is rape, if you weren't sure.

Ok... so you own you got drunk, you own going into a room with him, you own fooling around, you own putting yourself in that situation, however; you don't own what he did to you. That is his ownership.

You made a statement that he came in your mouth. As outlined earlier, that doesn't just happen, that takes effort / participation! Are you saying that you did not participate at all, and he did everything, but you where frozen the entire time? How long was this?

boyfriend came in and saw me naked! I yelled at him to get out. Then I told that guy I wanted to talk to him.....

So... where you naked in front of him as well? Then got dressed with him present? There are holes, so I am asking questions.

Again, in one breathe you are asking questions about are you to blame, the next you are saying you weren't raped, maybe just assaulted, the next you are naked on a toilet and asking to see this guy, this stranger!

Sorry, but just a bit confused. I am not saying anything other than, I am confused about exactly what you are saying, and more what you aren't. You seem quite confused and distressed about the event, whether it was something, whether it wasn't, but I am reading a lot of holes in here as to whether I could even answer your opening question, being: "Could I be partly to blame for what happened?

I can already say yes in some aspects... but I could not definitively estimate percentages. Under cases where alcohol and teenage sex is at play, the person still has some fault at times, yet not at others. Example, if a teenage party occurred, the girl was drunk and laid down on the bed to sleep, then awoke with some male on her, there is zero fault and she was raped. If a girl was flirting with a guy, both drunk, kissing, pashing, rubbing against one another, etc... then he has his hand down her pants and she screams rape, he stops immediately... then its not rape or such at all, because the circumstances defined quite differently towards more consensual sex vs. an act of sexual assault. If he pushed her down and raped her or any act, and didn't stop immediately when she said, then it would be sexual assault / sexual abuse. If the woman also put herself into such a position, ie. the leading into the act was provocative, sexual, was heading towards sex, then the woman says nothing... then that still leads to consensual sex, because the atmosphere once again was based on a consensual atmosphere leading into the event, and without saying something, the other participant was not given a chance to respond.

See why I am asking about the leadup to the event?

No person, male or female, is at fault for rape, but that act is typically violent, forceful, and the person could not expect or reasonably expect themself in such a position in the first place. You started heading that way, but again, confusion with other aspects.

I am not making statements here, I am only asking questions to try and help you bring yourself the clarity that you are obviously seeking. For years people have said things to me in part, but then given a full picture because they could not ascertain their fault... most aren't at fault, some have had a small or minor amount, some had to cop it as 50/50 for what occurred, ie. began sex, didn't want it mid way, but didn't say stop or no, and instead made statements such as, I froze and couldn't respond, mid sex... ummm... how would the other person reasonably know you brain froze from saying something mid sex! Such things occur... and this is why I am asking questions. I have had people tell me they weren't at fault, and after digging into the information, they were raped... but didn't want to accept that happened to them.

When your brain can know more truth, when it can find some resolution it seeks to your event, then your brain can begin processing correctly... was it, wasn't it, facts vs. the current fragmented and convoluted pieces you are likely telling yourself, trying to find the answer. Once you have the facts, you can work on the acceptance and solutions.

It is common for someone who had a sexual act performed against them to try and dismiss it... they simply don't want to accept it was rape or such... instead try and say the very things you have said thus far... bits and pieces, did I, didn't I, type scenario. Your brain is obviously looking for an outcome.