Could I Be Partly To Blame For What Happened?

[Nicolette]

He said, "just lie still". and I said, "okay I will".

Heather while I totally identify with you feeling violated, and rightly so, after what you expected to happen did not but unfortunately you did inadvertently consent by saying "okay I will". I get it may have been fear, probably more likely than not, but if someone says "okay" and he's not holding a gun to your head or threatening you then it's not what I would deem rape - taken advantage of, yes, most likely.

Yes you were drunk but we've all had sex drunk and sometimes I think all of us at some point realize down the track it was not the right decision. There are men out there saying they took a woman home drunk and woke up with her there the next morning lying on them wanting to chew their arm off to get away.

Unfortunately and sadly for you the event traumatized you and for that I really feel for you.

You said "you expected that you were going to have intercourse". That to me shows some awareness in the situation. I am not denying your feelings and how they traumatized you but I can see the other side and to me "okay" does not mean no. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I am sure you think of all the things you could have done differently.

My thoughts are you shouldn't so much worry about the definition of what happened and instead focus on your pain and work on healing those feelings so you can have a better quality of life.

 

[The Albatross]

I found, as a younger woman, that I was ill equipped to handle situations and had some stuff happen too Heather. By the time it dawned on me that I was in a bad place, I think that my abusive upbringing made it easier to be compliant and take the unwanted situation instead of saying loudly and clearly "No". I have been in these situations whether or not booze was involved... but carried a lot of guilt and shame because when booze was involved, I failed to recognize the situations before they got out of hand.

I tend to agree with Anthony, based on my own experiences. I do have blame in unwanted encounters that were not rape. For myself I had to deal with the self blame and shame, before I could move forward. Like Nicolette's last sentence above, I had to worry less about assigning blame, shame and guilt for what happened and focus instead on the pain I was carrying with me unresolved and work on healing.

 

[cherryblossom]

Perhaps you could find the courage to tell your whole story. I can only comment on what you have written, Anthony has stated there is more to your story. Whether you tell that, is up to you....... but it feels incomplete commenting when I know that I don't know the full facts.

I've had several sexual encounters where I have felt violated, or used afterwards, either due to alcohol, or inexperience. I never experienced childhood sexual abuse, so maybe that is where our feeling differ towards similar 'violations'. So, maybe one can blame past abuse for 'freezing', or saying 'okay' when you are not sure, or mean no. Maybe I can blame immaturity and alcohol in a similar way. But I just want to say that many people end up having sexual encounters that they may later regret, or feel were not 100% consensual.

I'm not invalidating your feelings, and I really hope it's something that you can work through with the help of your therapist.

 

[Brontie]

Heather,

It’s not exactly what happens that hurts us the most, it’s how our brain chooses to interpret it. He certainly took advantage of you in a drunken state. And that is his responsibility. Your responsibility is to not allow him to continue to take advantage of you in your head. When these thoughts and memories come up, it might help to tell yourself that you are stronger now and that that would never happen again.

 

[Heather]

I disagree with the statement of "lie still" also... and the remarks in comments to it, as there was also more to it than posted here. Heather, IMHO, I believe the parts you left out would not endorse the comments made above either. That is just my opinion..

I don't think I left anything out. I'll go back and look at the conversation we had privately and add it here. What I took and put here was exactly what I had written in my journal word for word. I wrote my feelings down as I "see" them today as well as back then.

I was hesitant to post this because I DON'T want this to turn into another stance against men against women. Like, you said Anthony my feelings ARE valid. I never said he raped me.

It was just a situation that got completely out of control where I thought he was going to do one thing and he did something completely different. That I didn't like and ended up feeling violated and disgusted by. I put myself in that situation and I have to take responsibility for it.

 

[Heather]

I said okay to him when he said lie still because I didn't know what his intentions were if I knew what he was going to do i.e. put his penis in my mouth. I would never have said okay to that.

 

[Heather]

This is what I wrote to Anthony that was in my journal:

We were kissing. I said, "take your your shit off and he did. We kept kissing. Then he said just lie still and I said okay I will. He raised himself up and my legs were spread wide open and he unzipped his pants. He was moving
himself back and fourth. His breathing got heavier and heavier.

My hands were on his arms. He then moved himself up and put his penis in my mouth and he kept moving it it in and out while I sucked it. He came in my mouth. I told him I didn't like it.

So, from what I wrote back then it sounds like it was 100% consensual. But I didn't like what he did back then and the memory of what he did.....still doesn't sit well with me now.

This is what I told Anthony.

 

[Reclusive]

Heather - I really respect your candor and ability to share this kind of experience, especially with so much honesty. It really shows a brilliant strength of character. I still feel you were being taken advantage of by someone who knew he was taking advantage of you. It reminds me of an experience I had that makes me really uncomfortable to think about, even though it was consensual. I don't have any advice for you, I'm sorry.

 

[Heather]

I think what bothers me the most about this whole situation is

1. I put myself into a position where I could be taken advantage of.
2. my roommate asked me if I was okay through the door and I told her I was. Again, missed oppty. to get out of a bad situation.
3. He told me to lie still and I responded okay.... Like an "a good little girl" Nice learned victim behavior. I found in my journal......written a few weeks later that I was "pissed at myself for lying still when he told me to....like an obediant dog"

 

[Reclusive]

I think the key here is that you know better now. You should forgive yourself for being human and know now that you're stronger and would handle it better now. But I can definitely see why you would be bothered by all that.

 

[Heather]

Heather - I really respect your candor and ability to share this kind of experience, especially with so much honesty..

Thanks Reclusive. I'm pretty amazed that I'm putting this out here myself:eek:. But hey why not, nothing like sharing it between a few 1,000 people right?! I think it's time to stop fooling around and do the work that's necessary to get "better".

Ofcourse that doesn't mean that the urge to run and hide under my covers still doesn't exist daily! Thanks again for your support and validation of my feelings. It means a lot.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Heather, I went through a time where I engaged in the most reckless behaviour- or was lead into it and somehow 'scraped' out neither raped nor killed, literally -(I mean this occurred continuously nearly, at one point in my life for I don't know, about 3 years- several 'near-misses'- forget several- too many to count). I felt terribly about it although I guess for the most part it wasn't entirely under my 'discretion' in that I was a minor and the people around me 20 years older. I can look back now and know it was ~suicidal behaviour, a really bad attempt at 'coping', and totally out of control and much at the 'mercy' of circumstances and people I unwisely associated with, or was manipulated by. I really didn't see much of it 'coming'- only blinders on to try to get through one more day/ night, 'forget'/ 'cope'. I think it followed 2 unsuccessful suicide attempts- one that never should have failed. Somewhere I couldn't 'grasp' how it 'failed' and it made me feel- I don't know what. Determined to destroy myself, yet also just looking for one safe place/ person, in my heart-of-hearts. Some way 'out', or some way 'off' the roller-coaster.