Could I Be Partly To Blame For What Happened?

[cherryblossom]

I would just like to say that acceptance is a huge part of healing. Placing blame at the right person (that is for you to decide ?50/50?), and then moving on from there. Just remember that you cannot change the past, only the way you think about the past today, and how to move forwards to the future.

All the best
CB

 

[Tinyflame]

Just remember that you cannot change the past, only the way you think about the past today, and how to move forwards to the future.

So true CB, thank you.

 

[Heather]

Determined to destroy myself,.

I hear you on that one. I'm working so hard to try and move away from self-destructing and not valuing myself. But it is SO HARD. When you don't value yourself and you think you are shi*t. Your life reflects that. Hence what happened with that guy Rob. I allowed myself to be put into a situation to be taken advantage of. I was drunk and way in over my head. I was in my early 20's when that happened and still a virgin.

 

[The Albatross]

Some of the most worthwhile things in all the world are hard. We, are lucky I think (when I am my most optimistic), because we are "awake" and we can come to terms with some of the worst life can dish out and go on to become better, healthier, well equipped with the rest of life's adversities. Having been through the wringer, and not being numbed out by drugs or booze, or "in our behaviors" on auto pilot... we will develop coping skills that will serve us well because of the so many should have, could have near death traumas we have had. Yet here we are, trying to put the pieces together to move forward.

Objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are, is an old Meatloaf lyric. It helps me to remember at times that I can magnify some things and shake myself to the core and beat the crap out of myself for what I could have, should have done. I got ownership in some of these situations, and none in others... but I can use the experiences for health or for self harm.

Hang tough Heather, and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

 

[Brontie]

Heather,

It's important to realise that you did nothing wrong. You made a mistake and you no doubt learned from it. And you shouldn't feel bad about 'putting it out there'. That's what this is all about - taking out the trash and getting on with your life. And one way to do that is to pour it all out either to a therapist or in a forum anonymously. Either way, it does the trick. Good for you.

 

[Sasha]

I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. After reading your story, all I could think was that he was not acting like a 'guy' or a man, he was acting like a beast. That is how animals behave. Although our thinking is impaired when we drink or just because we drink does not give permission for someone to do that. Even if we act flirty, it still does not give permission for anyone to behave like this. I think he's been watching too much Animal Planet, that was far from acceptable. And no, you are not to blame.

 

[Heather]

and would handle it better now. .

That's just the thing....Would I handle it better now? Learned helplessness and victim behavior is something my therapist and I have just recently begun talking about. I avoid confrontation at all cost. I rarely speak up. My entirely life I've had NO voice. So, I'd like to think it'd be different now.....

When my brother-in-law sexually assaulted me 3 years ago I did NOTHING. I didn't fight back. I just let him do what he wanted (YUCK!). I think I just answered my own question. It's not different. I have a long way to go.:(

 

[Reclusive]

Heather, I think you don't know yourself. You are SO strong, assertive, and confident on these forums - you seem comfortable in your skin and able to face down your past. You have it in you, all the strength that we're seeing. You need to pull it out of the forum and spread it across your life.

 

[anthony]

Well done Heather on removing all the secrets.

Virgin... for that event? That is new, and also explains your reaction. You either hadn't mentioned that before, or I missed it, but I don't believe that has been said before.

I imagine that was not your most desired sexual act as a result of the "first time". History tends to tell that the first time is far more important to a female than a male, as for a female, sex is far more emotional than a male, where it is more the act of sex for the male, combined with little emotion. I can understand how the act would now display the impact it has, even though consensual in nature... the emotion felt as a "first time" would be sufficiently distressing by itself when things did not go the way you "thought" or "perceived" sex goes. Sex often begins with oral pleasuring, followed by the act itself. Being your first act, I understand more the hurt you feel as a result of how it went.

Now it makes greater sense when you say, "I was thinking were we going to have intercourse".

 

[Heather]

Virgin.

No, I never mentioned that before. You didn't miss it because it's not something I go around announcing. But I guess that's the benefit of telling everything because then there's complete understanding on all sides.

 

[Sqweak]

maybe I'm just over-reacting

Oh (((Heather))), I'm sure there will be plenty of people in your life- In general really. Who will try to convince you that you are over-reacting, that it was no big deal and it's something you could ' get through'. That's not true nor is it fair. Everybody handles trauma differently and in no way was it your fault that this happened to you- because you were drunk or because you hit on him. None of that is an excuse for anyone to force themselves on you against your will. I feel there is a common consensus among people (in society) that rape, has to have an element of violence or some sort of marker indicating that you were screaming no from the hill tops thus officially deeming your case; a rape case.
I feel that's a little discriminatory against those who were equally violated and does them no justice.

Rape
1. The unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse.
2. An act of plunder, violent seizure, or abuse; despoliation and violation.

I feel that in any case violent or not you can rationalize your way to make any survivor/victim as partly liable for whatever atrocity happened upon them. Which makes taking a rape case that isn't clear-cut and to the point harder to try but that's beside the point. My point is- you are not to blame. No, I don't think you are not partly responsible. That’s like saying: Though the driver had the right of way- maybe if they had looked both ways despite the green light they could have easily avoided that drunk driver... F**k that. You mentioned in one of your above posts about feeling validated, In my experience and as much as I love having my feelings validated when I’m feeling so uncertain. I personally try not to bother. Human beings have this uncanny way of disappointing you when you need them the most. I hope that you find it in yourself to know that what you are feeling is justified (which is something I struggle with all the time). I hope that talking about this in therapy gives you peace of mind. I'm not at all religions, maybe the least religious person out of my group of friends but this quote always make me happy:x3::

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference
-Reinhold Niebuhr

Take care yourself.

 

[StressyJen]

hey Heather. I'm glad you revisited your journal. I've been raped @ age 14 but it wasn't the main trauma that caused my PTSD. I don't know how you are you are in person (timid vs. confident or somewhere in between) but I know how it must feel and I can imagine a large guy and the fear and confusion plus you were drunk, I can imagine you saying "OK I will" lie still, out of fear. The fact he told you it would be easier if you did, implies he intended to do it NO MATTER WHAT. That is intimidation. That is what abusers and rapists and sick people do. It is inherently very wrong and evil, where lying still is a reaction to that evil, out of self-protectionism, and confusion, is not inherently wrong. There may have been better ways to handle it, but it does not mean you are the guilty party IMO.

My rape wasn't what caused my PTSD, abuse and neglect from my family was. I had to hold court in my mind for years (over 20 years) about if it was my fault or theirs. If I put the details here, I'm sure some would say it was my fault over some of the details. I might have to go on and on and on with more info before they understood and still they might not understand. Through counselling, prayer, and building good relationships, and cutting off my family, I have finally been able to come to a verdict in the court in my mind. My PTSD makes me question the verdict but I have to keep saying OK, I decided that already, I spent years and sometimes whole days focusing on it and I decided it isn't my fault, even though I made some mistakes too, they were understandable under the circumstances. Then I have to rest on the verdict. That is why I'm glad you revisited your journal. After reading it I think your initial reaction and "verdict" was also correct and I hope you write it down and instead of going through court in your head, the verdict becomes a principle so you can stick it in a little box, that it is settled, and continue on with your life.

In much love and understanding,
Jennie