Could I Be Partly To Blame For What Happened?

[Heather]

I knew what I was getting into when I started this thread but it's just opinions. My therapist said something that I think about a lot that I shouldn't subsitute other people's opinions for my own.

 

[cherryblossom]

It goes back to the same thing, that we are not here to compare 'trauma's', or even name trauma's.

But if it hurts you, then it matters. Simple really. What bothers one person, may not bother another, and vice versa. But when dealing with emotional pain then who can judge? I can't, and I wouldn't try to. But whatever has hurt us in the past, we need to work on, and work out a way for it not to keep hurting us daily. And maybe ......? for our past feelings not to hurt us again in the future......

....but yeah ........ one step at a time :p

 

[Heather]

I agree with you CB 100%. I'm still trying to sort out in my own mind what that night was about and what to "label" it as. If anything.

The above post was in response to Jen's statements:

. I had to hold court in my mind for years (over 20 years) about if it was my fault or theirs. If I put the details here, I'm sure some would say it was my fault over some of the details. I might have to go on and on and on with more info before they understood and still they might not understand.

 

[Heather]

Here's finally EVERYTHING that happened that night. I don't understand my behavior back then and I certainly don't understand it now. All I do know is that it set off a chain of events that led to a period of pretty high risk promiscuity. I traded one form of self-destructive behavior (cutting) for another (promiscuity).

That night I called Rob back into the hallway and we stood there for awhile kissing and talking. Then we went back into my bedroom and he had his down into my pants and he was fingering me. I then performed oral sex on him. I did this to him of my own free will.

Not more than an hour before I felt violated by this guy and yet I went and consensually engaged in sexual activity with him.

I think a lot of this has to do with having NO voice growing up as a kid and being treated like an object. Doesn't make me feel very good but it's the only explanation I can come up with that makes sense. I've seen the pattern over and over throughout my life and in all of my relationships.

 

[anthony]

Your feelings are valid either way Heather... though well done on mostly being honest with yourself. There is nothing wrong with regretting something we do, but we must own what we do, if we rightfully own it, and then work on the regret we feel... which is a valid emotion.

I chalk most of my past to simply.... I did bad, I won't do it again and I have learnt from my mistakes as a result and improved my choices today due to my past. That was my solution to regret felt for past events.

 

[Heather]

mostly being honest.

It's hard putting all of this out there. And it probably would have made a lot more sense and been a lot clearer if it hadn't come out in dribs and drabs like it had BUT you're dealing with things like my embarrassment and shame over my virginity and my behavior.

Even in my journal I write about how nice Rob is and what a great time I had at that party and then in the next sentence I'm saying I didn't like what he did and he shouldn't have done that etc. etc. So, even back then I was trying to tell myself that it was something that it wasn't.

 

[intothelight]

Heather,

Being totally honest with yourself is scary and you did a really good job. Sometimes it has to come out in "dribs and drabs", but the important thing is it came out and you learned something about yourself.

I hope it gets easier for you over time and that forgiving yourself also becomes easier.

Deb

 

[KP the nut]

(((Heather)))

I haven't been involved with this. I just want to let you know how brave and amazing I think you are for posting in such an open an honest way.

I put myself in extremely dangerous situations between 14 and 17 years old, primarily to find a male to love me, it was luck rather than judgement that I was never raped or worse. I do not have your courage to write about those times.

Love
KP

 

[cherryblossom]

Heather, whatever has been said or not said, you are working through issues for yourself. However hard the journey has been to get here, you are now being honest with yourself. That's the most important part - being honest with yourself.

Hell, I've done plenty of things I regret, but once I 'own' those mistakes, I can acknowledge, move on and forgive myself.

I don't want to sound patronising, but I think your honesty speaks volumes. This thread caused a fair bit of controversy, and to be honest about what happened takes a lot of guts. You have courage and you have strength. You need both to survive PTSD. Well done you :D

 

[Heather]

You have courage and you have strength.You need both to survive PTSD

And don't forget an humor! Cannot forget humor! I think we all have that here......some a little more twisted in the panties than others:roflmao::p

 

[Adrienne12]

You were right...this was a long one. I am glad you sorted it all out in your head. Being a prior victim sets you up for more $hit later on. You put yourself in situations and then become uncomfortable because of what happened as a kid. I know, I have done the same. He didn't know you were abused and that it made you feel sick until after. But I will say this...he was definitely a d-ck. All about himself. If you ended up sleeping with him...he probably would have to date been the worst lay of your life. Selfish men usually are.

The fact that you realized your part in it and the feelings this guy unknowingly caused you...speaks volumes. You are being honest with yourself and your feelings. Much love. Your honesty is appreciated.

 

[Beverly G.]

OK people enough is enough. leave the girl alone already. Although I have never been drunk and had sex while in that state, I have been raped and I can tell you it is more about what is going on in your heart than your body and once you feel you have been violated you have been even if the other person did not do anything that would put him in jail. I will keep you in my prayers Heather because I know that once this stuff starts coming out it can get worse before it gets better. hugs of understanding,Beverly