Childhood Could past abuse be affecting my sexuality?

[Butterflies2023]

rewrite sorry wasn't certain if my first response was posted.... it's not selfish to speak to your sister! To heal from the past that goes back to childhood perhaps it is best to confront the situation from that earliest memory. For example with the help of my therapist - I was able to confront the sexual abuse by my brother which occurred at age 4 (or younger) I called him on on the phone told him I remembered he sexually abused me for some time and forgave him. He told me he didn't recall anything from the age of 14! He is seven years older. I knew that was a lie but that was his way of dealing with the situation. At the age of 53 - I then told my other siblings. This helped immensely because it gave me affirmation of what happened to me as a child. They were not surprised - in fact they had been wronged by this one brother themselves and they chose not to forgive him. ALL THESE YEARS! I shouldered this burden and it still affects me because I hate being touched by others. I am quite uncomfortable with hugs - and hope one day to overcome this adversion because it's a very lonely life. But by sharing these family secrets - it has given each of us an opportunity to deal with these life issues that affect current relationships - with spouses and children. it's just continues to manifest each generation. - It's not selfish to share troubling memories but gives an opportunity to address any ill feelings other siblings may experience. Repressed memories have a way of being acted out in our daily lives. Keeping secrets is not healthy. I hope you will be able to find someone that helps you - a good therapist. Someone that will listen at the same time not passively influence your story based on their own experiences or readings. I honestly thought my therapist was the laziest person and wondered why I kept going back. it was because I had the answers all along but was so muddled with anxiety I couldn't step out of the whirlwind. My confusion and missing pieces of my childhood were driving me insane - all my life! I just couldn't understand why all these years no one in my family helped me and why My Siblings never spoke of the secrets. How miserable we all have been to hold onto secrets. How freeing it is to expose those secrets. absolute joy to be free of that baggage. bonds released. It's been a long journey but worth every ounce of energy and at times despair felt along that journey called - therapy.
it's so true - the body remembers.
today I have reflexes that don't allow me to enjoy a simple hug.
Need help if anyone is able to share how to learn to love a touch

 

[Mach123]

you have an introductory statement already share with your sister "I think I was abused as a child". see where the conversation takes you. In fact - it may be why your sister is so nice to you today - she may be overcompensating

I don't think I agree with this. Remember the sister is a person also. To her this may be nothing or it may be extremely traumatic or she may not even remember. I would not put this relationship at risk unless I absolutely had to. This is my personal opinion only so please don't take offense I understand why you are saying it. I have been saying "it has to come out" over and over and I do think that I also think its generational like you said and it does get passed along especially if no one mentions it it's just everything I have dealt with so far has concerned me only. I have never considered approaching anyone else who was involved so, I guess that's why I'm having this reaction.

 

[Butterflies2023]

I don't think I agree with this. Remember the sister is a person also. To her this may be nothing or...

It's just a conversation nothing more and no accusations. Healthy relationships can involve conversations of this nature. If anything else make them stronger

 

[Higgins]

Ok, so I agree about getting a therapist and working through your own shit. However, I'm going to offer a contrary opinion to those posted above. Part of what makes the abuse cycle so viscous is the goddamn secrets. I am still harboring anger at my family for not being honest with me about what was going on, and worse, for trying to change the narrative to what they wanted me to think or feel. I don't agree with keeping the truth from your sister. I think rather than you making that decision for her, she should be allowed to make it for herself. It is her life. And there are ways of beginning the conversation or asking questions of her to find out what she would want and then respecting her decisions.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I was sexually active from my earliest memories. ...thought I was bad and a born perv.

I was sexually active from age three. That's when I was first sexually abused by my father and saw two people murdered. It's ground zero for my abuse. I shared this with my last therapist saying I was sexually precocious at age three. He looked at me kind of weird and then asked me if I was initiating sex with my brothers at that age. I said no. However, I was masturbating compulsively at that age, sometimes in public.

Healthy relationships can involve conversations of this nature.

The problem with this for me is: dysfunctional family systems are not inherently healthy and therefore relationships within are not either. Therefore having a conversation of this nature with a family member from the dysfunctional family isn't going to work. Trust me. Been there and done that. Thankfully there wasn't much to lose in the relationship as there wasn't anything beyond our childhood relationship of brother and sister. We never got to know each other as healthy adults (or becoming healthier adults) who have worked or are working on our abuse with therapists. That's another step in the relationship we never made and will never make now. I don't consider it much of a loss because I cut off all ties with my FOO in 1988.

This brother was the last link to my FOO. He contacted me twice a year with a one to two lines of news in an email. That's all of the relationship we had. And it was shallow. He never wanted anything more than that. And I chose to keep my abuse history from him. He asked me numerous times why he was physically abused and no one else. I finally decided to answer his question based on what I had worked on so far and that blew out of our pseudo relationship.

So back to the question of whether to share something with a sibling. I'd say no based on experience. The only way it could work is if you knew for certain the other person had achieved a level of healing close to yours. Then you might be able to speak with them. Or they might confront you. That would be better because they are in control of the situation.

Though I confronted an older brother from my dysfunctional FOO and my Nmother went on a rampage defending her Golden Child, telling me I was a liar. That blew out all relationships with my FOO and I went non-contact soon after.