Childhood Couldn't You Have At Least Fed Me?

[KeepingTime]

the pyramid and thinking " I just shouldn't be sitting here, I've missed so much

I guess that sums it up. But we did survive. Not sure how but like I told t today. I must have eaten something or I wouldn't be sitting here. Just had to fight hard for it.

 

[KeepingTime]

Safety' is relative.

I soend a lot of time feeling unsafe.

You're right. I think I had been even feeling safe until this last event. I think it rattled everything I thought was safe. Broad daylight, low risk area/place...then there's a gun in my face. I guess it will take some time to get that back.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Just had to fight hard for it.

Like everything else. Though we may not feel like survivers, thats what we did...did anything to survive!

 

[KeepingTime]

Ok so I brought this up in T today. He starts asking me questions which REALLY makes me look at things. Why is it that when T says the same things I just said it sounds so much worse?
So my homework is to talk to my sister!!! WHAT??? Really talk to her? Like about bad stuff? Holy crap! We just don't do that in this family. She is the closest in age to me. 7yrs older. She is the only sibling I actually have a memory of from child hood. We know we share some things. She's in therapy...I'm in therapy..but we just don't talk about it. THIS CANT BE GOOD! I asked t what difference does it make? It won't change anything. He said "do you want to always have physchiatric symptoms???" Well, no and since you put it that way.
So I called her today. "Hey how are you? What do you want for your birthday? Oh btw did mom feed us when we were little?"
The sucky thing is that she affirmed everything that I remember. She did say that mom would bring cold burgers or something "brown bag" home around midnight or whenever she got home. But we were asleep or too tired to eat. She told me that the elderly couple down the street found me collecting bottles one day and asked why. I told them to buy something to eat. That's when they would feed me sometimes. And I brought my sister too. I was 5 and she was 12. She thought my sister to make mac n cheese and those boil in a bag dump over a slice of bread dinners. That's if we could get them from the store.
Oh and if that's not enough, did I mention I didn't have a bed until I was about 11? As in I slept wherever I could drag a blanket.
Then I had to listen to my sister tell me that I was special because I was daddy's REAL child. OMG I almost lost it! He didn't sa her and she doesn't know about me...YET! I hinted about it years ago but that's it.

Oh thank you T for stirring up sh*t!
How is this better?????

 

[Tinyflame]

It isn't. You didn't need validation of memories, you remembered them.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

How is this better?????

Because you are talking. She affirmed your memory. And, talking is the first step to healing any relationship. She wouldnt of said that about your dad if she knew. Im not saying tell her but im saying she likely didnt mean anything bad.

And keep in mind, she's in therapy too, has healing to do too, and is in there for a reason, too. :hug: homework is always hard. They never said healing was easy. :hug:

 

[KeepingTime]

You didn't need validation of memories, you remembered them.

Oh it was easier when they were just my memories. I could doubt them at will.

 

[KeepingTime]

She affirmed your memory.

This really stinks. I think this is the meanest thing T has ever done. Does this mean all my other memories are real? As long as they were just mine I could doubt them despite how real they seem.

And yes she is in therapy too. She has every reason to be angry at our mom. She treated her like crap. Mom made her have an abortion at 16 but let our other sister keep her baby at 15. She doesn't know about mine that I lost when I was 13. That mom made me throw away.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

This really stinks. I think this is the meanest thing T has ever done. Does this mean all my other memories are real? As long as they were just mine I could doubt them despite how real they seem.

Oh god you sound so much like me in my first couple of years in therapy. Its not mean, its helpful.

I could doubt them at will.

Thats the point. You can deny reality but it doesnt make it less reality and denial isnt helpful.

 

[Mafia_Science]

I'm sorry about what you've been through. I can relate with the starving. I was very underfed by my uncle for 2 months when I was 5 or 6. I don't think people understand what it's like to really be hungry. It changes your perspective on life

 

[RussH]

I could doubt them at will.

The flip side to this is, by doubting them you can also continue to not truthfully deal with them. Now that your sister has affirmed the memories, you can start dealing with them more effectively.

 

[angel2write]

As long as they were just mine I could doubt them despite how real they seem.

And that's why he had you do it. For that very reason. Because when you hadn't validated them, you could doubt them. You could hope they weren't real. You could pretend that maybe it didn't happen.

It hurts more when you face them, but it also finally finally finally lets you start to process them and put them to rest. It's like... it's like the difference between losing a child and waiting year after year for the body to be found and thinking that they are dead but never really knowing. You grieve, but you can't put it to rest. When you finally KNOW, then you can put it to rest. Hold a funeral for that part of your childhood you lost. Cry yourself sick over it. Get angry with your mom. Feel outraged. Be bitter. But then... eventually... wear yourself out and let it go. You'll never forget, but it won't hurt so much and you'll be able to go on and be grateful for having food now. Or maybe you'll become a life-long contributor to a food bank with a program for kids who aren't getting to eat.

We can't change our f*cked up history, but we can become trauma magicians, turning our pain into something positive.