Counterphobia

[Justmehere]

Counterphobia is when someone responds to a feared situation by moving towards the feared situation or object, instead of away from it. This is not done with an absence of fear, but because of the fear, in an attempt to master or control the feared situation.

My trauma therapist recently told me that I am the most counterphobic person she has ever met. Which is kind of saying something. :( I had never even heard of the term before she said it. The odd thing is that I am not an “adrenaline junkie” – I actually really hate the feeling of an adrenaline rush. However, in some areas of my life, and with some aspects of my trauma, I am drawn towards what I fear, when it is just a little bit scary. It is not because it is exciting, but more because I fear feeling fear, and I’m trying to feel safe in the world and control (or at least understand) what I am terrified of.

There are many things related to my trauma and life that I am just plain phobic about. I avoid some things with a passion, and my phobia can be deeply paralyzing. But in some situations, I’m just the opposite and I have a counterphobic response.

My therapist says it is not good or bad, and it can serve me well at times. I’m not so sure. I think it fuels some of the trauma reenactment patterns I have in my life. (My therapist agrees, but we are working on that.) She thinks it will also help me heal, as long as I don’t get myself into a truly dangerous situation. It is really confusing to experience, especially when there are some things I fear that I can’t bring myself to approach or deal with at all.

I’m wondering if anyone else has any counterphobic tendencies as well? How do you sort it out? does it help you? hurt you?

 

[rightkindofme]

Yo. I'm totally counterphobic. If you are into woo woo stuff at all look up the Enneagram. We are counter-phobic sixes. :)

Well, I have learned how to stop being raped. It was pretty ridiculous after a while there. I'm drawn to predators like nobodies business. I find that it makes me brave enough to start businesses and brave enough to try new hobbies. I have learned to check my strong impulse to move towards things until I check with my husband. "I'm feeling really drawn to _____ and I'm not sure if it a positive attraction or a self hating contrary thing. Opinion?"

But I'm lucky. My husband is autistic. I help him on his social scripts and he helps me with my anxiety/reality checks.

Before I had this I did a lot of very self-injuring things. :-\

 

[Hope4Now]

It is not because it is exciting, but more because I fear feeling fear, and I’m trying to feel safe in the world and control (or at least understand) what I am terrified of.

I'm intrigued by this idea. I think I am like this in some ways in my life. I did a lot of really, really stupid things when I was younger...almost like inviting danger both with individuals and in general situations. I have become much more fearful of risk as I've gotten older, yet what you say about trying to feel safe and control things totally resonates. I think I do some things because of this.

If you are into woo woo stuff at all look up the Enneagram.

I think the Enneagram is amazing. I just found out about it in January. It is almost eerie in its accuracy for who I am.

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hi there

I tend to move toward things that are scary and I think that it is because I need to feel in control and if I can approach a fearful situation and master it, I am in control and therefore not a victim of my fear but for one brief moment I am master of it.

Does that make sense

Namaste - Laurie

 

[Justmehere]

It helps so much to know I am not alone in this. I was beginning to feel kind of like a freak!

@rightkindofme - I have started a business and new hobbies too - several that are oddly connected to fears, but you make a good point about the positive side of this tendency.

My husband is autistic. I help him on his social scripts and he helps me with my anxiety/reality checks.

What a great balance you have found!

@rightkindofme, @Hope4Now - I have not heard of the Enneagram, looking it up now. I love learning about new stuff. Thanks for pointing me to it! :)

I am in control and therefore not a victim of my fear but for one brief moment I am master of it.

@Laurie McLaughlin This makes perfect sense to me. When my therapist says I am counterphobic, I feel like it's another way to say I'm seeking control and safety, and avoid being a victim.

She points out that I avoid feeling like a victim - ever - and that's true. She said sometimes people who undergo severe trauma develop a pattern of learned helplessness, or, like in my case, they go to the other extreme of counterphobia, which is in some ways, a refusal to feel like a victim, and be helpless, and an attempt to feel some sense of control, even if it means putting the myself in danger again.

My therapist says in order to heal from my PTSD symptoms overall, and find a better balance with my counterphobic responses, I need to be willing to face that I have been a victim in the past, and all the disowned feelings that come with that. That makes me terrified! My therapist says all will be ok though, because people who are counterphobic tend to keep working at things until they are worked out. I wish I had her confidence...

 

[The Albatross]

Never heard the term, or had it applied to me, but like Laurie, I have a demonstrated tendency when threatened to do the same thing... I lean in or try to wrest control of the situation from the antagonist. Sometimes in very direct and aggressive ways, sometimes very subtly so as to protect myself from the threat.

 

[The Albatross]

The question, does it help you/hurt you, for me both. It is a double edged sword that comes out of me like a reflex to protect myself but after the threat situation is over I can be hurt or quite shocked by my reactions and be very critical of myself. It is something now that I know about myself, and by knowing, I try very hard to not put myself with people or situations that can trigger it.

Like disassociation, it happens before I can process or think.

 

[Hope4Now]

I think being aware of the motivations behind our actions is an important step in our healing journeys. That sounds so obvious, but I am beginning to learn how complex it is. I have a lot of "parts" of myself--some of which I have always been aware (e.g., the toxic critic part) and some of which are just now coming into my conscious awareness (e.g., very young and wounded child parts). They all hold certain beliefs about "who I am" and urge or compel me to act in particular ways. None of them are connected to my true/deep self--they are the overlays of a lifetime.

As I look back on some of the things I have done that seem odd to me (and which make me feel uncomfortable to think about), I'm beginning to understand better. I remember in my late teens, for example, leaving late-night parties because I felt very alienated from and angry with the self-involvement of all the people around me. I would walk back to my apartment, by myself through a VERY bad urban neighborhood at 2 or 3 AM. I did this a lot. Sometimes in bare feet. Nothing ever happened to me, which is truly amazing. I didn't want anything to happen to me, so it was different from plain old risky/self-destructive behavior (I've done that too). I think I was replaying a time when I tried to run away from home when I was around 3 or 4. The feelings were the same.

Likewise, in my earlier teens through my twenties, I got involved in a number of relationships. At that time, I saw myself just "checking out the scene" or whatever. Trying to live life to the fullest/get lots of experiences. As I look back, I'm shocked by some of the risks I took, some of the things I did. And I know I was...well, excuse the horrible pop song reference, but I was "looking for love in all the wrong places." In many of these relationships and encounters, I was balancing on a really weird razor's edge of victim/not victim. It could have gone either way and I think I was vaguely aware of that...and putting myself into those situations to see what would happen--to prove that I could walk away if it seemed like I was becoming a victim in some way. The thing I see now is that I was victimizing myself over and over again because I was recreating situations in which there was always threat, danger. I never felt safe.

I have mixed feelings about being a victim. It appeals to the little children parts of me because they feel if they are victimized enough, perhaps someone will notice and save them. It is abhorrent to the independent, "I can do it all by myself" parts of me because they equate being a victim with weakness and helplessness. Putting myself in risky situations also appealed to the part of myself that wanted acknowledgement that I could control everything. So I've been caught much of my life in this bizarre triangle of parts and I didn't even know it. I am pretty disgusted with my past behavior.

Age, having children, and several extremely frightening experiences in the wilderness have humbled me profoundly. For me, that is what's terrifying about facing the disowned feelings of victimhood as a child. My two competing core beliefs: "I can do it all by myself" (aka pride/hubris) and "I am completely helpless" (aka victimization/shame) are extreme beliefs that can only be balanced by adding humility and vulnerability and compassion.

I'm trying hard to make choices in my life (both in the messages I give myself and in my actions) that are balanced. Mostly that I need to be okay with asking for help from safe people like my therapist, and I need to be okay with allowing myself to see and accept the strengths I have. I don't need to keep going out to do extreme things, or think extreme thoughts (though I have to say it's hard not to...am struggling right now on something.)

Anyway, @Junebug, I'll stop writing so much. Thank you for this thread, it has given me a lot to consider and process.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks @Hope4Now , it is @Justmehere who needs the credit for the thread but because of the little typo tag I looked it up. (You see @Hope4Now not a 'mistake' but something good. :hug: ).

 

[Justmehere]

It is a double edged sword that comes out of me like a reflex to protect myself but after the threat situation is over I can be hurt or quite shocked by my reactions and be very critical of myself. It is something now that I know about myself, and by knowing, I try very hard to not put myself with people or situations that can trigger it.

@Albatross - It is quite the double edged sword! It happens quicker than I can think for me at times too. In those situations, I feel like a monster, and I really am struggling to grasp and change. I think you are smart to work on being aware of what triggers it and avoid those situations.

At other times, it is an intentional thing I do. I recently realized I am afraid of public speaking in front of adults (kids are not a problem). I used to teach at the college level, so this was a little surprising to discover that after developing PTSD from adult trauma, I am terrified of public speaking. So I signed up for a public speaking group. I fail often, but I feel kind of better, because my fear isn't completely paralyzing me. I also realized I had a fear of swimming in natural bodies of water. I grew up competitively swimming, but that was mostly in swimming pools. So I signed up for a sprint triathlon that had the swim portion in a murky reservoir. While training for it, I forced myself to get into the water at local lakes, even the murkiest one. At first, I had to stand at the edge, and couldn't go in, but eventually, I was able to jump in without panic. Those were good and healing examples where counterphobia worked for me.

When dating, engaging in friendships, or even in business relationships, I am inherently drawn towards people who would be terrible for me. They are either terribly unavailable or their own stuff is so huge, that all their needs take over the relationship. This even played out in therapy twice. I also have knack of being drawn to the person who terrifies me most in a setting.

Now, I have learned I have to intentionally seek out people I am not intensely drawn towards. The good side of this is that this is how I ended up with the therapist I have now! I wasn't really drawn towards her when I met her, so I figured, maybe this will work! lol. She has been the best fit of a therapist ever, and the most challenging in the healthiest ways.

My friendships and business relationships are much more stable when I stay away from what I am really super drawn towards. It's hard though, because sometimes, I feel sad, like I am missing out... but then I remember what happens if I get triggered and I feel trapped. I don't run and hide. I fight back. It's never ever physical, even in once instance when I probably should have physically fought back. It's all verbal, but it's really not helpful...

I have mixed feelings about being a victim. It appeals to the little children parts of me because they feel if they are victimized enough, perhaps someone will notice and save them. It is abhorrent to the independent, "I can do it all by myself" parts of me because they equate being a victim with weakness and helplessness. Putting myself in risky situations also appealed to the part of myself that wanted acknowledgement that I could control everything. So I've been caught much of my life in this bizarre triangle of parts and I didn't even know it. I am pretty disgusted with my past behavior. Age, having children, and several extremely frightening experiences in the wilderness have humbled me profoundly. For me, that is what's terrifying about facing the disowned feelings of victimhood as a child. My two competing core beliefs: "I can do it all by myself" (aka pride/hubris) and "I am completely helpless" (aka victimization/shame) are extreme beliefs that can only be balanced by adding humility and vulnerability and compassion.

@Hope4Now This makes so much sense to me in ways I can't express - but you did so well. Thank you for giving me some things to think about more deeply.

Some recent natural disaster experiences have humbled me deeply and shifted how I see all of this. It has helped me let go and say, I can't stop this any more than I could a raging wildfire or flash flood. I recently was at pool swimming laps and ended up doing CPR on a toddler that fell into the pool. The kiddo survived and was so great that she was ok. Everyone tried to thank me, but I would not accept it. I kept thinking, "I saw her running on the edge of the pool, I could have stopped her..." This was not a rational thought because I did not know the child or parent and it wasn't my pool. When I saw her go under, my training kicked in and I jumped in to get her faster than I could think anything. I did what I was trained to do. Nothing more or less could be done. It was an accident. But I wanted to blame me somehow that this little toddler nearly drowned because I didn't want to face the pain of how scary it was to see such a small life nearly die so quickly. It has hit me hard that this was my response. Who am I to believe I can stop everything bad that happens in life? Trauma is trauma in part because life is fragile and can go at an instant, no matter what we do to try and stop harm from happening.

It has really deeply affected me and made me look at these issues again in a very different way.

The whole incident has left me feeling so small and so helpless, which is terrifying and relieving. I think my inner kiddo is saying to me, "finally! I get to say that I can't do this and I am helpless!" The other part of me normally argues back, "no, do not say that! I will get hurt for saying I can't fix everything myself! I have to change this and find some way to control it and make it ok, so I can not be hurt again."

Now I am learning there are other ways to handle all of it... and it is so terrifying...

I'm so glad I am not alone in struggling with this.

(p.s. I consider it an honor to have a typo mix me up with @Junebug :D)

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

What everyone has said is really great and incredible food for thought.

What you said above Justmeinhere gets me to think about the fears that drive us because of our PTSD.

Not too terribly long ago, I realized that about 85% of every choice I have made in my life is fear-based. But what is helping me come out of that is learning that fear is always in some way about worrying about the future - what might happen. And if I can practice being present in the moment (for me it is done through meditation) then the fear looses its power.

As I become aware of being alive in each moment, I am aware that I have the ability to choose what happens to me moment to moment. And if something bad does arise, being in the moment allows me just simply to meet it head on, acknowledge it for what it is and deal with it more rationally - I still have to go through unpleasant things but I can stay present with it and begin to control it rather than it controlling me.

And that is cool you saved that kid's life - I rejoice that you were able to do that -

You're doing great and it is good to find we are not alone :>

Namaste - Laurie

 

[Kay Sella]

Counterphobia - This is term that i recently read about and boy does it resonate with me? I have deep seated fear of certain things, and i strategically move towards the situations i fear the most. I always wondered why i do that, now i know. These situations included, failing purposely so i don't get into med school, and then working at a job for 8 years (one that i swore in college i would never do) and placing two continents between me and my ex (for the fear of losing him, which i eventually did). It's like my mind is so terrified of these things, that it places me in positions that i take up without much mindfulness.