Counting pills...

[whiteraven]

For the first time in months, I'm back to thinking about suicide again. I'd given it up - the whole idea - seriously, because I felt an obligation to my mom and my cats. And then my aunt died. My aunt, who I never liked. And all the thoughts about death and dying and all the anxiety that had been building up over the many, many months just, I don't know. I don't have any friends and I know I can't manage life without my mom, with all the stuff that keeps piling on. Yes, I know that's down the road, but I'm so tired. I'm only living to get by and that is hardly a life. I've been living like this for a very, very long time now and have very little to show for it; at a time when I should be looking forward to leisure and back at where I've been and what I've accomplished, I'm only still struggling to survive.

I've lost the care I had for who would be hurt if I died. There was really only my mom and the cats. I don't think anybody else would much care. But we all die eventually and we are all just here until then, doing not so much of anything anyway.

Safe for now, whatever that means. But really wondering what I can do to hold myself up for the future.

 

[anthony]

But really wondering what I can do to hold myself up for the future.

You're suppressing versus repairing. The outcomes are vastly different. The outcome you have written above, is from suppressing. Repeat, rinse. A cycle of trying to cope, yet not dealing with the core issues that cause the depression.

Core issue #1 for depression is trauma.

Core issue #2 for depression is cognitive distortions.

These are the two primary focal points you need to repair and resolve for the future. Your present method of suppressing is not working, as you can see. You're at a point trying to make a decision, live or die. Live means hard work and true inner reflection, which comes with pain, hard work and challenges. Die, make a plan and go do it. The decision is obviously only yours to make.

This isn't an easy vs hard path discussion. Walk over a mountain or walk around it? Well, walking around it is obviously easier, so that is the logical choice. But if your goal was to gain substantial fitness and lose weight, then walking over it would be the logical choice (harder work to meet the desired outcome) and walking around it would be the easy way out (not making any real impact to your desired goal).

Depression is the same. You can suppress it, bottle it up, try and avoid it at all costs, distract and so forth, but its still there. Or you can travel the harder emotional path, the harder mental path, do the work that is required to achieve the goal you want -- a future without constantly battling depression.

Choice. If you want to do the work, my recommendation would be to start with David Burns book: Dead Link Removed

Get through that, whilst simultaneously doing the tasks discussed, and keep doing those things for a good year or two of your life -- resolution. During that time you can begin expanding your skills by reading other CBT style books, learning everything you can about cognitive distortions, and making the skills part of your instinctive daily life.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@whiteraven I know that it feels so overwhelming now and I've been there in my lifetime, more often than I want to admit.

I think our deaths affect more people than we think. The ripple effects are vast. Just knowing that you are a human struggling with DID like me has given me so much comfort in the last few days. If you were gone, I would feel awful.

 

[Deadman]

But we all die eventually and we are all just here until then, doing not so much of anything anyway.

Ummm no. You are only doing 'not so much of anything' if that's what you choose to be doing. Depression lies.

 

[The Albatross]

"... wondering what I can do to hold myself up for the future" - determine to deal with the depressive aspect, turn your time and effort towards more generally beneficial behaviors, habits, activities and commit yourself to the acquisition of them.

 

[whiteraven]

Ummm no. You are only doing 'not so much of anything' if that's what you choose to be doing. Depression...

I meant this in an overall existence of life sort of way. And I think that is debatable. Not for this forum, but generally. That doesn't support the current way of thinking, but people used to think the world was flat.

I do plenty. I don't think it is worth anything and whether that is the depression or fact is also debatable. Again, not for here. But just because I'm depressed doesn't mean that all of my perceptions are faulty.

I do understand that with depression, many perceptions can be off. I actually work very hard every day to counter my current perceptions - and have for a very long time - but so far, nothing has changed them.

 

[anthony]

I actually work very hard every day to counter my current perceptions - and have for a very long time - but so far, nothing has changed them.

Like what? Can you write out the list please? It should be quite lengthy based on what you have written. I think much will be discovered in it.

 

[Deadman]

I do plenty. I don't think it is worth anything

What do you do that is not worth anything?

Is there anything you could do that would be worth something?

 

[whiteraven]

Like what? Can you write out the list please? It should be quite lengthy based on what you have written. I...

Later. When I'm feeling a little less triggered here.

 

[Deanna]

Well, I care, so I'll reply ( you may like it, you may not but I put in an effort)

I'm only living to get by and that is hardly a life. I've been living like this for a very, very long time now and have very little to show for it; at a time when I should be looking forward to leisure and back at where I've been and what I've accomplished, I'm only still struggling to survive.

You're not the only one that feels that way but you are lying to yourself. So, you didn't have a mansion.. very few of us do. If it would have turned out that way. your mother might have lived her last fourth of her life in a nursing home, but that didn't happen because you cared. Dom t worry about tomorrow because you don't know what it brings.

Stay in the moment.

 

[Deadman]

We support you @whiteraven. It's the depression and apathy we don't support. Yes, it's not fair that people who try to do the right thing often go unrewarded. I'm certainly not in the place I hoped to be at this point in my life. There are many other people in this forum who are in similar situations.

I encourage you to fight back against the suicidal thoughts. Fight back against your internal propaganda. Fight the thought that says suicide is the only way to beat the pain.