Courage Versus Looking For A Way Out?

[Tinyflame]

You know, courage isn't easy. :( I've done things people have called 'courageous' because they were life-threatening, or because the person thought they wouldn't do the same. But really they were kind of 'without thought', or seemed necessary/ no alternative.

But as to daily events/ daily living, it is so much more difficult. In micro-tiny ways I am trying to be brave. But at the end of the day I feel lost. I am scared (I can't even fathom) small steps like going to a Dr- I mean actually accomplishing it, including all it entails. Like talking. Like not defaulting out in some 'left zone' & just saying whatever words will get me out of there the fastest, despite myself.

However, I realize even posting this is supposed to be a positive endeavor. I am so thoroughly confused however as to begin to even discriminate what-is-what. Is it the ptsd? Is it 'developmental trauma'? Is it overlaid with something else? Does family feedback cause harm (the particular kind I get)? Etc. It's like one giant mess. :( I want to work on whatever I need to do, but I'm trying to reach a destination with no road map. It's like that feeling of coming out of a store & not knowing what way to go.

I know that probably at it's roots that's what makes running away so easy. Well that's part of it. The other part is the negative impact on others. Or so I feel/ believe.

I guess I have to try to be patient & put aside thoughts I'm wandering aimlessly. Even if I do feel lost. Which I do.

 

[Tinyflame]

It's also difficult for me to differentiate between what is being patient, or faith, & what is avoidance of doing something.

And I guess leaving is avoiding everything- doubts, fears, having to try, the unknown, all of the feelings that come with all that.

I also find it difficult to try to feel it will be ok.

 

[Tinyflame]

I woke up (actually was woken up by my dog kissing nuzzling my face & kisses :p :inlove: ) with maybe a tiny- miracle with 'words in my head' & a bit of a different perspective.

I think ptsd is really lousy. And painful. But some of the fears are deeply-seated because even with all my heart dealing with them as bravely as I can I'm fighting triggers. Sometimes the triggers are like dominoes. It's not a reflection of my conscious mind so much as the physical reality. Like a limbic system response in my actions. I go hard on myself for failing too, & don't really see any progress if I manage to do something small that may be nothing for others but is a big step for me because of ptsd.

Childhood created fears & uncertainties undoubtedly. But it didn't leave me bitter. It did reinforce an excess fear of being a "F Up" to other peoples' lives though. Also that & adulthood (abuse) has left me terrified of the consequences of not just trusting but being abused. I have always been told their actions are justified & the fault is mine, that I am an inherent 'F Up', & that it's my fault.

Oddly enough considering SI mood disorders weren't my inclination, because thoughts affect it (other than physical pain-that contributes too. I don't mean bad pain, rather excrutiating, unrelenting pain). So I ask myself, what are the thoughts? Well, causing further harm to others is the end result. But one can't just 'think' themself out of being down if it's physiological.

The anxiety was there from a small kid.

Unintentional to my own well-being, I learned some things about ADHD. Well it does run in my family, but most of all a lot of the strategies they suggest to deal with it I do already, best I can. The really odd thing too though is that not only do I fit the bill but I always did, as they describe. The odd part there is how they say a child internalizes the responses & facts of that are very much how I feel about myself. Whereas I've come to forgive myself for some things I did because of ptsd (ie I know that is why, including thinking I was complicit in allowing the moment of death of my dad, allowing his murder, which started the ptsd ball rolling it seems), I don't 'forgive' myself for the constant failings. The failings are the same as people struggle with with ADHD, whether I have it or not.

My sister though wonderfully huge-hearted has terrible demons & self-medicates. I have however related to what they say about family's thoughts if someone has ADHD. So I can see how if it is so she is thinking I don't care, or am intentionally screwing up. But what is new this morning is giving myself a bit of slack. For example, she calls me a waste of space, lazy, too focused on (whatever). But I am not lazy, I work full-time, do all the housework, most of the maintenance outside, the larger jobs (sometimes with her, painting repairs etc) as fast as I can. She does very much as well. We have (my whole life) had an extremely active household. But she's said "I'm not your mother!!" That's always disturbed me though because although I am younger if anything it's sort of been the other way around, I'm trying to be responsible, for myself & for what the fall-out is from the substance abuse, including the emotional fall-out, I try to ask for nothing, put my own needs aside except except for when I hve to disengage, & always was fiercely independent. I absorb all blame. But that isn't all accurate. I do screw up, & she tells me not to do something, but again I've learned that could be ADHD on my part. If anything, I don't intentionally set out to break anything, & sometimes it's ready to go (break). I can do harm or harm to myself with my distractability though, & I often cover up how I 'screwed up' & hurt myself ('dumb me'). I also have a hard time getting started, but when I do I don't stop. And I'm rewarded for it by her (eg if I work at home 12 or 14 hours straight with only a rare break, not eating etc).

I also learned that cigarette smoking is a form of self-medication for ADHD (some connection to the nicotinamide molecule influencing dopamine levels), which would possibly potentially explain a lot of my difficulties there trying to quit, & using it for 'grounding'(despite myself) , not just 'no will power', & how unable to think/ organize my thoughts I get without it. Same without ample amounts of coffee (which I try to cut down on because of the cost but can't sleep or think without it. Just as I can't sleep or move trying to go without any Tylenol (injuries, too painful). Also a huge thing is (& the one that actually makes me happy, is that apparently a 'mind like mine' (going on so many tracks at once) is not odd at all for ADHD. Wow, If that is so it restores so much self-esteem to me. :notworthy:

The upshot is, is in untangling that much I understand it's partially courage, though I 'heard' the feeling or *thought*/ words-that-aren't-mine this morning, "You need a different type of courage now" . Whatever that means exactly, Idk, When I 'asked' "What does that mean?" I 'heard' "Courage shown in other ways". (? :confused: ) When I asked "How?" I heard "Not running away". (FWIW, this doesn't happen often- i don't 'hear' any voices). But Ugh. In my heart I must admit could there not be something simpler! :eek: :nailbiting: :sorry:

Well it's probably just silly to have thought/ 'heard' that, but I needless to say, I woke up feeling a little better, & with no nightmares either, & for that I am grateful. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

I think this to me is what is so difficult, I don't fit in the world I'm in, yet there's not a world to strive for wherein I would fit in. Courage for what I'm not quite sure?

I did hear however there can be purpose in doing small things, even if we don't ever see a purpose. Not sure if that's just stretching it for the 'purposeless' (me), although reversed that's true, I appreciate those things & they can make a huge difference.

 

[shell]

Courage can be as simple as not fighting change.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @shell.

I sometimes wonder if it feels like this because of not enough change?

To be honest, I don't know if it's my lack of resiliency (&/or is that a lack of progress?), or being triggered (no one's fault but mine), or not knowing what I'm trying to achieve, or a possible complication of attention deficit (new info there), or (& maybe this is key) having a poor sense of time passing in the present while however stuck with ptsd complications that make the past the present. Or maybe it's the lack of purpose or value (in the sense of 'normalcy' of purpose- having no career, family etc.).

Yikes what a mess. I don't mean it in a whiny way, but rather in a way I wish I knew what to do (specifically, practically).

I suppose my biggest problem is to be able to be in/ enjoy the present moment without being encumbered by the past. I can't seem to manage that. :confused: And as they say no one can bear the burden of more than just 'today', it becomes too much to add the past &/or future.

I suppose writing that I have to find asense of optimism or joy in the present.

(If that makes any sense whatsoever. :confused: )

I feel alone lost at sea. Not again in a 'whiny' way just in a reality/ factual way. I feel that way a lot.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think too, well I'm sort of focused - no, part of my mind is- on just planning out/ getting over with it=SI. I mean, I think surely there must be anything better than planning to off yourself, but I'm just so tired. I feel like I have & have had an oak tree on me. My resolve or whatever is diminishing. It's getting harder to keep up a brave front.

Also I was thinking, though (naturally) I protect the vulnerable, I am not vulnerable. I don't need protection. I realize those who think otherwise or think of it as cowardly may or may not have worse problems, more or less resources (than I), but mostly there is some semblance of quality or meaning to their life. I have to forgive them & not judge, I hope they could do the same for me, or people like me.

It's really weird, because people call me beautiful (that's ridiculous), or good/ kind hearted (well, that I am). They seem to think it's 'fine', what's the trouble. But it's just so much for so long with no end in sight & nothing I can imagine helping & nothing I can think of left to try.

 

[seedling]

to be able to be in/ enjoy the present moment

find asense of optimism or joy in the present

I struggle with these as well. I think it's hard for "normal" people to do these things. To be truly present in the now without worrying about other stuff. I try to acknowledge and enjoy any moment I get of positive thought or feeling. Enjoying small moments of beauty or peace that just seem to come (like a break in the clouds).

Do you have to keep up a brave front? What happens if you don't (or didn't as a child)? Push on however you can, what you are doing right now is enough.

If people call you beautiful you must be. :hug:

 

[shell]

It is really necessary to be happy, sometimes I think this expectation that we should be happy, makes us unhappy and constantly seeking something other than what is here, right now.

I think I have found more contentment in acceptance. Acceptance of myself, of others, of where I am right now, although sometimes it is bloody hard to find. I don't always get it right, and I can accept that more too.

I look for glimpses of things that warm my heart, the knowledge that others care, that I have more direction now, that I am changing each day, and with change no matter how small, comes possibilities.

@Junebug, for me when pain becomes consuming, my thoughts make it seems like the pain is insurmountable, that there is no end, it is so hard to step away and look at pain, at how I feed myself, healthy doses of shame make it grow and before I know it has manifested into some huge monster sucking the life out of me.

In the darkness of shame and pain I no longer find the answers I need, because I only look towards the pain, looking outwards towards connection, self support and at the single glimpses of light no matter how small help me stop feeding it, and when I stop focusing inwards on what I don't have, then I can focus outwards and find something to meet my needs.

Last week I thought about dying, it wasn't a pretty place, I told myself it was hopeless and in doing so I couldn't find a way out. The voices feed pain and the lies, it's like every painful experience we ever felt is recognised in our brains and this adds to makes sure we don't forget it, it's not a "now" experience anymore, it's a "then" experience a reminder, always a reminder of every hurtful experience.

When I give in to the passive voices in my head, that say I can't, it's hopeless, etc. I think they are worse than the critical voices, because they maintain that belief that I can't change what is happening.

I hear your tiredness of this pain @Junebug, as long as you are still here you are fighting, and while you are still fighting there is hope, possibilities, and change can still happen. It's is a massive struggle, but it is worth it, because one day the voices that say you can't may quieten, and have found a whisper, a belief that says I can. I believe in you, like others believed in me when I couldn't, because it only needs a little hope to start us on our journey.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @seedling & @shell, xox. :hug: :inlove:

 

[Tinyflame]

Do you have to keep up a brave front? What happens if you don't (or didn't as a child)? Push on however you can, what you are doing right now is enough.

I don't think I ever didn't as a child @seedling , so Idk? Thank you for saying that, re: "right now". :hug:

If people call you beautiful you must be. :hug:

Welllll... I look like Recovery4Me's minions (except they're taller than me. ;) :eek: :) :hug: )

It is really necessary to be happy, sometimes I think this expectation that we should be happy, makes us unhappy

I think that's true @shell, & perhaps related to comparing ourselves to others, or being envious? I don't recall thinking of happiness though. Neutrality or relief would be good enough for me. Because as you said the focus +/ or thoughts are inward, it doesn't relent. That's what I meant by I don't need to be protected. The vulnerable need protection. I have on the other hand my own faculties to choose with. But, being that again that is just a negative thought because I don't want to be 'here', it's up to me to change it. Funny though, my thoughts or actions are focused on other people all day. Make them laugh & care for them nearly every day. I wish it were enough to provide relief or a different perspective. Unfortunately though although it *may* provide them with a small reprieve or a tiny increase in the quality of their lives (or get done what they need) it doesn't affect how I feel (internally).

I look for glimpses of things that warm my heart, the knowledge that others care, that I have more direction now, that I am changing each day, and with change no matter how small, comes possibilities.

This ^ I don't have, or can't seem to manage any more. But then it's up to me to figure out how to manage without it.

..how I feed myself, healthy doses of shame make it grow and before I know it has manifested into some huge monster sucking the life out of me.

Likely that is part of what I'm experiencing or doing, although not consciously. I don't think I'm 'talking to myself' though so I'm not sure how or what to stop. Shame to me is more of a feeling or identity than specific details coming to mind within each moment, more overall (in totality maybe?). If anything shame makes me regret 'talking out loud', which probably gets internalized as more shame & an increased desire for or feeling of appropriateness of.more avoidance.

Last week I thought about dying, it wasn't a pretty place, I told myself it was hopeless and in doing so I couldn't find a way out. The voices feed pain and the lies, it's like every painful experience we ever felt is recognised in our brains and this adds to makes sure we don't forget it, it's not a "now" experience anymore, it's a "then" experience a reminder, always a reminder of every hurtful experience.. When I give in to the passive voices in my head, that say I can't, it's hopeless, etc. I think they are worse than the critical voices..

I totally agree with this. Easier to recognize a loud, angry inner critic than the quiet voice of 'reason' & 'realistic' expectation.

I'm sorry you went through that too. :( :hug: :hug: :hug:

I believe in you, like others believed in me when I couldn't, because it only needs a little hope to start us on our journey.

Thank you for such kindness. :cry: :hug: .

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess the bottom line is SI is looking for a way out, not sure to what degree courage or lack of it exactly applies- it does = no courage when it's fear, though again difficult to separate what is conditioning & symptomology. I suspect those who haven't struggled with stuff like that for a lifetime can't relate. I find peoples' tolerance is measured in months not years or decades.

I did learn something though, which occurs to me this moment. It was about ADHD, 2 people & info helped. Would explain some of my family members actions with impulse (including speech) control, & though we're all responsible for our actions it could also explain not all of it was/ is necessarily their intention, due to no fault of their own. Some of their actions, eg, even being adrenaline or stimulus-seeking (eg fighting). Similarly, I've been called everything (pejorative or otherwise) by family (or thought it myself)that they say one can be in response to ADHD being present - "lazy, crazy, stupid, stubborn, uncaring, avoidant, unfeeling, can't get started, over-doing it (can't stop), ", etc.etc. The only reason I say it, is if such a thing is applicable over-focus (hyper-focus) comes in to play too. And I wonder if 'hyperfocus' is what is occurring with me with the SI (eg planning etc)? (Frankly, being overly-focused makes one very successful at details. :rolleyes: )To be honest, I have so many 'qualifying characteristics ' of ADHD through the lifespan (to my detriment, which I always presumed was 'my fault'), but there are so many similarities with ptsd, I can't figure it out. :( But perhaps it would explain it. If I know that it might, the key to working on breaking the SI might be to break the focus. However or whatever techniques are out there for that Idk but there must be something. I don't want to harm others with SI, even if it is just through inconvenience or some gross detail they get stuck with due to no fault of their own (eg their job; it'd be a lot better if one could make themself 'evaporate' :rolleyes: . My fear is I'd give someone else ptsd. :( ).

It *may* explain why it's been so difficult- even reading or retention or application or remembering to apply something- it's an uphill battle. Add in ptsd, & the only thing worse than being overly-focused or 'stuck' in the moment is being overly focused or stuck in past horrors re-occurring in the (so-called) 'present' moment.But if PTSD brings forward the reminders, perhaps a different issue is contributing to keeping them there? Because speaking with humility I don't think anyone has tried any harder than I have, or tried any harder not to cause grief to others (even strangers) by my actions (not though that means I am successful not doing so). But I simply can't seem to organize my own attempts at dealing with this, I can't identify, formulate & put in motion a plan to deal with this. It is very demoralizing & also frightening. SI is about all I *can* seem to focus on or effectively plan atm.

(I know this all sounds dumb (& self-centered). :( . Does any of this make sense? :( If it's so it might explain a lot. It's not that I don't 'know' it I just don't know how to 'do' it. )

ETA, I'm not going to delete it (though I'd rather), but maybe it's just grasping at straws, just trying to find something that works. Anyway, there's a whole huge world out there of legitimate concerns that don't involve one lowly unimportant person. Sorry! :sorry: :tdown:

:hug: 's for all.