Sexual Assault Court Case Will It Help Her See Her Behavior?

[Kintsugi]

Jopp, I think everyone who has responded to your thread thus far has been a PTSD sufferer. We understand the fallout from trauma, and we understand symptomatic behavior. I don't think anyone here is failing to see that you think your friend adopts self-destructive behaviors when she isolates, and these behaviors are (you believe) the product of an abusive, traumatic past. We get that.

Maybe answering this will help you more:

what would be your fear in doing so? Are you afraid that something will go wrong? I get that you are worried about breaking trust and speaking about her secrets in public - but besides the morality of whether that's justified or not justified....lets say you did it. What's the worst-case scenario, and what's the best case scenario?

 

[joeylittle]

Does that make sense?

Yes, it does make sense. A history of abuse can lead to unhealthy behaviors, reactions - many of which can't be addressed, changed, made better, without going back to the root cause of those behaviors - the abuse - and coming to terms with it, in some way.

I only have a question about this:

Yes and also some of the things she has done to try to numb, cope with, the issues caused by the abuse.

I'm not sure which part of my post you are responding to (because I asked a lot of questions). Can you clarify?

(If it helps - in order to quote just a specific part of a post, highlight it, and you'll see the option to 'reply' - that will make that part only show up in your reply box. Or, you can just copy and paste, or restate the question).

I would also like to know what you are afraid of happening, if you talk about all these things in court - and what you hope will happen, more specifically than 'she will get help', if you have some picture in your head about what that would look like...

 

[The Albatross]

Should this even be in "Sexual Assault"? I cringe at the thought of Supporter PTSD "relationships" but???

 

[Jopp]

Jopp, I think everyone who has responded to your thread thus far has been a PTSD sufferer. We under...

My fear is that she trusts me. Yes when pulling away her actions show differently but not only has she said so count less times but also her actions of coming back repeatedly for that amount of time and telling me those secrets and fears and wants (which sadly she has given up on) shows she trusts me. And trust is more valuable than money or anything to me. Trust and loyalty is something that is to be appreciated, respected, and so rare and valuable it should even be protected.. I fear breaking that trust and reinforces the idea people can't be trusted. It took over a decade to get that trust. So I must be very cautious, especially since she actually called down some through out the day. That's huge, that was the last thing I expected in that environment. Best case I guess she see's that I'm not mad at her and that I don't blame her and have to interest or intention of ever harming her. She has never been around or seen me when she was scared like this she's always assumed I was mad at her she said and all that stuff so maybe I will help since she can see I'm not mad like she has thought i was in the past during this time. instead of having to Imagine all the possibilities net anyone could come up with when someone thinks that someone is mad at then. Worst case scenario she sees it as broken trust and I guess shuts down again

 

[Friday]

I have no interest in agueing. And she herself said when I questioned her the other day in court she did not fear me. Or think I would ever hurt her.

You don't have to be afraid of someone in order to file for a restraining or no-contact order, nor for harassment, stalking, or a host of other charges.

MY QUESTON WAS: does anyone know if letting him put everything out in the open had any chance of helping or no ...?????

It might very well help her come to the decision to never have anything to do with you ever, again. As you will have broken your word to her in every conceivable fashion. Not only splashing it about her family, but now also making it a matter of public record.

Would it help??? Really? There are laws in place to protect victim confidentiality, because of the tremendous amount of harm publicizing people's personal and traumatic events does to the person.

I really don't see this as anything more than yet another attempt for you to intimidate & threaten her into doing what you want. Let me back into your life or I will take your darkest & most painful & most personal things and share them with the whole world. Oh, but I don't want to. It's for your own good. FFS.

She wants you to leave her alone. You wouldn't listen. So you went to her family.
THEY want you to leave her alone. You wouldn't listen. So it's gone to court.
THE COURTS want you to leave her alone. You still aren't listening.
So you turn to sexual assault survivors to see if WE will see you on your white steed coming to her rescue. And we don't. Collectively we see someone who will not take no for an answer, will not listen to her, her family, or the courts, and will not Leave. Her. Alone.

Shrug. Keep it up & end up in jail. Once the courts are involved those are really your only 2 options. Leave her alone of your own volition, & continue your life without her in it; or go to jail, and be forced to leave her alone.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Ok @Jopp, you've heard from a lot of PTSD sufferers, maybe some advice from a supporter will help put things in perspective.

I love my vet with PTSD very very much. I would lay down in front of a train for him. Guess what though? I cannot do one damn thing to help him with his PTSD. It doesn't matter that he trusts me. It doesn't matter that he tells me everything. It doesn't matter that I can sometimes be a calming influence, or that he seeks me out when he's panicking.

I can't take away his traumas.

I can't fix his mental state.

I can't help him to be "normal" again.

You cannot possibly accomplish anything by continuing what you are doing. You are probably making everything WAY worse for her mental state. PTSD breaks a person's stress response. Going to court is stressful for healthy people. What do you think this is doing for her when her stress response is in hyper drive?

 

[Justmehere]

if I put all the cards out on the table is it going to help her to realize her behavior is it just going to hurt?

In terms of the court case, give all info to your attorney. They are trained in the law and they know your case inside and out. Do what they say for you to do regarding your court case. Like others, I doubt the information is admissible or relevant to your appeal, but let the attorney sort that out.


For a second, let's say all the info does come out in court and it does play a role in overturning your conviction and the 5 year no-contact order is lifted.

The chances that this will help her see the error of her ways: zero.

I am friends with PTSD sufferer who had temp restraining order against someone, and that order was lifted by a judge. The other person did mention her PTSD and past choices to try to attack her credibility. It wasn't the reason the order was overturned, but it did nearly destroy her to have that come out in the courtroom.

My friend with PTSD was self destructive too. She was not persuaded to see the error of her ways by all the info coming out in court. She felt unheard, betrayed, invaded, and really exposed. She was re-traumatized and had more symptoms than ever. It destroyed what little trust she had in anyone. She left that courtroom terrified and almost committed suicide.

She didn't leave the courtroom agreeing with the judge or the other person that she was in the wrong. She became more self destructive, not less. She had more symptoms, not less.

It did not help her at all.


You really have two choices:

1.) Keep doing what you are doing: keep trying to change her.

If you keep trying to confront her with the truth as you see it, you will get the same results or much worse. It's already pretty bad right now for everyone. Going to court is one of the most stressful situations in life, and she is having to go to court again and again.

2.) Do something different: walk away.

This has the best chance of giving her the space to see the error of her ways. She won't be in court anymore, she won't be running to you anymore. She will be left to her own means to cope, and she will then be confronted with the reality of her life. She will then be more likely to reach out for professional counseling.

As long as you are in her life, she can't deal with her past, because she has to keep going to court to get you to leave her alone in her present.

If you want her to change, leave her alone.

If you find yourself feeling really stressed out as you walk away, then work on changing the only person you can change: you. Consider counseling. It is a great place to learn how to help support other people more effectively.

 

[ladee]

After reading this whole thread... I have only one question...
Can you simply tell us what you need from us?
Simply....

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So which one do I listen to?

The leave me the f*ck alone side?

Frankly I find what you're describing pretty terrifying.

Agreed

 

[Sweetz]

Wowww!!!!

You need to leave her alone SIMPLE just talking to her brother there maybe a reason he doesn't know and u have let him new personal things
No u shouldn't bring stuff up in court she has told u this in confidence
She faces what's happened every day it's not sweeping it under the rug unless u have been through serious abuse who the hell are u to stay what the right way to deal with these things!!!!
I know your trying to be a good friend and u think what your doing is right but it's not
WILL IT SHOW HER HER BEHAVIOR PATTERNS after going through what she has the last thing she needs is u judging her
Abuse normally does end in the victim putting them self bk in danger ... What she needs it's to focus on herself do assertive courses, learn when manipulation techniques are being used on her build her self esteem and confidence up not a friend that she has confided in going around telling her deepest fears and most horrific traumas

A NORMAL PERSON GRRR SHE IS NORMAL WHAT SHE HAS GONE THROUGH DOSENT DEFINE WHO SHE IS
I'm so glad your not my friend I'm sorry if I sound rude but what you are saying is cruel

I suffer from ptsd I've been through abuse and I'm normal thank u
I feel very sorry for your friend who u have told people from what I've read actually found it hard to disclose what's happened to her to you that not only is she dealing with what she's going through your trying to put more stress on her which by the way causes her more anxiety just saying because u think your right she won the first court case and u want to take her back to court to appeal it u have came on a website for people suffering the same and put a normal person doesn't act like that umn excuse me but I'm sure any person will react the way she is your making her traumas about yourself trying to justify your shameful actions to the wrong people I don't know about everybody else but I'm with your friend and I'm glad she found the strength to stop u from doing more damage to her mental health