CPTSD And Bulimia?

[James B.]

Lucycat, Aine, goingonhope - just a big 'ol (((hug))) from James B.

My heart goes out to all of you, thanks so much for all the brave posts. So helpful for me to remember and begin to own the memories of my own (terrible/nightmarish) ordeal with food. My sincere thanks, again.

 

[Lucycat]

Thanks James. I think my struggle with vomiting is now over. I know it is still early days and I could 'relapse', but I hope that won't happen. I have not had a single urge since the EMDR 2 weeks ago. It is a great feeling and I wish I could share it with you all.

Of course all the other struggles go on. I have been advised that the court case might become a 'Newton Hearing'. Something I'd never heard of, but by Googling it looks as if it could proceed to a Trial without a jury where we do have to go and give evidence. That is the hard part- none of us want to go and stand in court. On the other hand we just want to know for sure if we have to or not. Maybe it is time to start a new thread, as this does not seem relevent to the title.

Thanks all, for your words of encouragement and support that has got me this far!

 

[Lucycat]

Hi

It is nearly 3 months since I posted on this thread. I cannot claim to have ceased vomiting completely, but it has been just 3 times in those 3 months. With hindsight I can see that on each occasion I was 'losing control' in an area I was not comfortable with and thus reverted to my old coping mechanism.

I still feel very positive about it though. 3 times in 3 months is a huge improvement. I know I can crack it, and I will but it is just taking me a little longer than I hoped. I have had a tough few weeks, that I hope never to have to go through again. But now I am out the other side. Onwards and upwards!

 

[James B.]

But now I am out the other side. Onwards and upwards!

Great to hear, Lucycat. Have found that distinct feeling of being "out the other side" as you put it, to usually be accurate. Good job on sticking with this. I sense you can completely make this a thing of the past. Sounds like you're well on your way. Terrific progress.

 

[Lucycat]

I've not been on here for a while having moved over to the Sex Abuse Forum mostly. However I thought I'd just check in.

I am still doing well in my aim not to vomit ( in my opinion anyway!). I had a stressful Christmas period and was sick onde on Christmas eve and again on New Year's Day - but that is all. Still a huge improvement.

 

[Abstract]

Well done, Lucycat.
Very brave.

It may also be helpful to know how important it is to know and connect with how you are feeling when beating this. Eating disorders are also very linked to the inability to tolerate strong emotions.
Technically bulimic type behaviour without binging is classified as EDNOS or known as purging disorder.

As James said it can really be a way of purging strong or "negative" emotions or thoughts. I am recovered and after this when trauma is triggered I have a very strong psychological pull to purge that does not relate to my stomach at a\ll. A purely psychological purge response.

It takes work to recover from an eating disorder.

James, I am sad to hear you kept this to yourself so long. You are very brave to discuss it and have nothing to be ashmed of. The same goes for all the others on this thread too.

There re no healthy ways of pretending strong emotions don't exist. Being healthy is about being able to face them and process them.

 

[Lucycat]

Thanks Abstract.
I have certainly been having difficulty feeling, and identifying feelings. I am working on this with my T.

Today I am very down, but hope it will not last for long.
Thanks for sharing your knowledge. It is a hard thing to acknowledge and therefore deal with
regards
Lucy

 

[Abstract]

It is hard bt very worthwile and things can be so different for you. Just keep working at it.

 

[Lucycat]

I have had something of a blip recently with vomiting again. Over the past few weeks I have vomited quite a few times. I fear that I am going back to the 'old me' and I don't like it.

However last night, I fought the urge, did not give in and managed to not vomit despite high stress levels. We had been out dining with friends. When I got home, though, I was overwhelmed by a feeling that I had completely let myself down by not vomiting. I was then reeling from the conflict in me, because I thought I deserved to feel proud of my self but didn't.

It was so bizarre, and I went to bed feeling lost and confused, and very sad.

 

[The Albatross]

Lucycat... you didn't lose your previous success. It is what you said it is, a blip. You may notice that the periods of not vomiting as you recommit and resolve to deal with this aspect get longer and the time between when you are vomiting are getting shorter. A trick I used for the past two years was to mark the days I was successful on the calendar. That way, I had a visual cue of my successes and where I fell short. Something I picked up on during that time too, was that I was negatively affected by certain birthdays, anniversaries, dates of certain kinds that related to traumas. Maybe you can try this and learn some things too.

 

[The Albatross]

I also put up a personal affirmation focusing on the change I wanted... on my 'frigerator, the windshield in my car above the steering wheel, and on my bathroom mirror and computer CPU. It helped me to keep the desire to initiate change in the brain. Even when I didn't take the time to read it... it was there in my line of vision.

 

[James B.]

Good for you being able to write about it Lucycat. I used to have the hardest time not purging after going to restaurants.