WonderWriter
Confident
I’m a 46 yo female, I’ve been married for 21 years and suffer(ed) emotional neglect from my husband and from a narcissistic father, could never please my critical mother, experienced 2 miscarriages and husband verbally abused (he calls it “tough love”) me after the second miscarriage.
move been reading Pete Walker’s book on Complex PTSD, and I identify with the Fawn-Fight type. I haven’t been to see a therapist yet, but after what I’ve learned reading Pete Walker’s book, I know I’m going to need serious help.
My first childhood memory is from when I was just under 4 yo. My father beat me with a belt until my backside was one, big bruise. The reason: I was at my neighbor’s house while they played in the sprinkler, but I wasn’t allowed to get wet. I don’t remember any details, but I remember feeling pressured and left out so I ran up to just get my feet wet and slipped. Little did I know that my father was watching from the fence. That was the moment my 4F’s were discombobulated. I tried to articulate my feelings, but he called me a liar and beat my tender, wet skin for over 15 minutes - it felt more like an eternity.
My dad never missed an opportunity to abuse me, especially when my mom wasn’t home. One night, she went to the hospital to care for my brother, who was born with sleep apnea, he dragged me by my hair from the living to the bathroom and shoved my face in the toilet because I forgot to flush. Twice, he whipped me out of a dead sleep because my room wasn’t cleaned.
My dad came home from work one night in a foul mood and became hostile; that’s when my mom packed our belongings in trash bags and left. It was after Midnight, and my entire world crumbled in the blink of an eye.
My father refused to help financially or be a responsible parent in any way; my mom’s education was no higher than 6th grade, so we lived in poverty for years. I was bullied in school, and my dad never stopped bullying my mom or making derogatory comments about her in front of my brother and me.
When my mom finally met my Step-Dad, I had become a bitter, angry and depressed child. I hated both of my parents for having to move from place to place and school to school. I attended 4 different elementary schools, but I wasn’t a very good student - not because I wasn’t smart - I just never wanted to get out of bed.
As I got older, I learned Mom wouldn’t be so hard on me if I helped with the housework; however, she constantly went behind me and pointed out everything I did wrong or didn’t do. I eventually wanted to die. I did attempt suicide when I was 15, but immediately regretted it and made myself throw up. I basically gave up thinking I was worth anything to anyone.
My first long-term relationship was with a narcissist who was four years older than me (I was 15, he was 19).
My husband grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father who also had gambling addiction and spent a good part of his childhood home alone while both his parents hung out at the bar. My husband refutes any type of therapy, and is emotionally unavailable a lot of the time.
I just want to feel “normal” and be able to make clear decisions, stand up for myself without my mind going blank and set boundaries that won’t get ignored or trampled on.
move been reading Pete Walker’s book on Complex PTSD, and I identify with the Fawn-Fight type. I haven’t been to see a therapist yet, but after what I’ve learned reading Pete Walker’s book, I know I’m going to need serious help.
My first childhood memory is from when I was just under 4 yo. My father beat me with a belt until my backside was one, big bruise. The reason: I was at my neighbor’s house while they played in the sprinkler, but I wasn’t allowed to get wet. I don’t remember any details, but I remember feeling pressured and left out so I ran up to just get my feet wet and slipped. Little did I know that my father was watching from the fence. That was the moment my 4F’s were discombobulated. I tried to articulate my feelings, but he called me a liar and beat my tender, wet skin for over 15 minutes - it felt more like an eternity.
My dad never missed an opportunity to abuse me, especially when my mom wasn’t home. One night, she went to the hospital to care for my brother, who was born with sleep apnea, he dragged me by my hair from the living to the bathroom and shoved my face in the toilet because I forgot to flush. Twice, he whipped me out of a dead sleep because my room wasn’t cleaned.
My dad came home from work one night in a foul mood and became hostile; that’s when my mom packed our belongings in trash bags and left. It was after Midnight, and my entire world crumbled in the blink of an eye.
My father refused to help financially or be a responsible parent in any way; my mom’s education was no higher than 6th grade, so we lived in poverty for years. I was bullied in school, and my dad never stopped bullying my mom or making derogatory comments about her in front of my brother and me.
When my mom finally met my Step-Dad, I had become a bitter, angry and depressed child. I hated both of my parents for having to move from place to place and school to school. I attended 4 different elementary schools, but I wasn’t a very good student - not because I wasn’t smart - I just never wanted to get out of bed.
As I got older, I learned Mom wouldn’t be so hard on me if I helped with the housework; however, she constantly went behind me and pointed out everything I did wrong or didn’t do. I eventually wanted to die. I did attempt suicide when I was 15, but immediately regretted it and made myself throw up. I basically gave up thinking I was worth anything to anyone.
My first long-term relationship was with a narcissist who was four years older than me (I was 15, he was 19).
My husband grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father who also had gambling addiction and spent a good part of his childhood home alone while both his parents hung out at the bar. My husband refutes any type of therapy, and is emotionally unavailable a lot of the time.
I just want to feel “normal” and be able to make clear decisions, stand up for myself without my mind going blank and set boundaries that won’t get ignored or trampled on.
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