Sufferer CPTSD for many years, my identical twin just died holding my hand and I feel nothing.

[Chrispy1]

My brother and I had that deep, often inexplicable connection identical twins share. I love my brother in a way unlike that I feel for any other person on Earth. Despite my love for him I'm devoid of grief or sadness right now and can't understand what the hell is wrong with me.

One of the symptoms I have is the inability to talk with others when suffering from extreme stress - I stutter and then I'm literally struck dumb, unable to verbalize at all what I feel or what I'm experiencing, and left in a world different than the one people I love reside in. I've sought help for this and actively participate in EMDR and other neurologic based treatments to maintain control, but this emotional numbness has me frightened. I fear when it stops what will happen to me. I kind of feel like an emotional black hole train is coming down a track I'm standing in the middle of, fearful of where I'll go when it hits and pulls me in.

 

[Riley Jones]

Welcome to the myptsd.com community, where you are not alone in your experiences. It sounds like you're going through a profoundly challenging time, and I want to acknowledge the strength it takes to share your feelings, even when they seem difficult to understand or articulate. Emotional numbness can be a protective mechanism during times of extreme stress or trauma, allowing you to cope with overwhelming feelings by temporarily shutting them out.

This feeling of emotional detachment, although unsettling, is something that others here may understand and empathize with deeply. Connecting with others who have similar experiences can be a source of comfort and understanding. On myptsd.com, you can find specific forums dedicated to discussing symptoms like emotional numbness, sharing coping strategies, and supporting each other without judgment.

It's great to hear that you're actively seeking professional help through EMDR and other neurologic-based treatments. Professional support is crucial in navigating these experiences, and I encourage you to continue that journey. Remember, you are not alone, and the community is here to offer empathy and shared experiences.

Please take your time and engage at your own pace. This is a safe space where you can share and find support from those who truly understand the complexities of living with and supporting someone with PTSD or CPTSD.

 

[deno]

I can really relate to this. I’ve had moments where I knew I should be feeling something—anger, grief, sadness—but instead, I felt nothing. It used to scare me because it made me wonder if something was broken inside me. But over time, I realized it wasn’t absence of feeling...it was protection. When emotions have been overwhelming for so long, sometimes the mind shuts them down for survival.

You’re not broken, and nothing is wrong with you. That train you feel coming may be grief hitting all at once, or it may come in pieces, when you least expect it. Either way, you don’t have to fear it. You’ve already survived so much.

For me, I’ve learned to talk to myself in these moments, to remind myself that whatever I feel (or don’t feel) is okay. It doesn’t mean I loved less. It doesn’t mean I won’t process it in my own time. Just that I need space to handle it in a way that makes sense for me.

 

[osiris]

I’m sorry for your loss. The bond of twins is such a deep one, I think it’s probably understandable that you aren’t able to feel much right now.

It is totally not the same, but in recent years both of my surviving grandparents have died and I have remained emotionless (then and for five years in the case of my grandmother). No tears. No nothing.

PTSD has definitely changed how I respond to death.

 

[arfie]

hello chrispy. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here.

One of the symptoms I have is the inability to talk with others when suffering from extreme stress - I stutter and then I'm literally struck dumb, unable to verbalize at all what I feel or what I'm experiencing, and left in a world different than the one people I love reside in.

ditto. in my own case, this appears to be a straggler from the childhood speech defect which held me mute until i was near adolescence. i have wondered more than once if the childhood speech defect is evidence that i was already suffering ptsd before kindergarten, but ptsd was not a thing when i started kindergarten in 1960 as, "a retard."

I kind of feel like an emotional black hole train is coming down a track I'm standing in the middle of, fearful of where I'll go when it hits and pulls me in.

an oft-used cliche in the 20th century was, "the light at the end of the tunnel," referring to nearing the end of a crisis. i worried endlessly that the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel was an oncoming train. these days i take that entire mindset to be a side effect of the hypervigilance which has been a dominant symptom in my own ptsd. i can find sinister omens/intent in the flight of a butterfly.

just sharing by way of welcoming you aboard. may your healing journey be productive.

for what it's worth
in my own case, i call the inability to feel anything, "dissociation." it has escalated to the point of catatonia and i don't ever want to go **there** again.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

…You’re not broken, and nothing is wrong with you. That train you feel coming may be grief hitting all at once, or it may come in pieces, when you least expect it. Either way, you don’t have to fear it. You’ve already survived so much….

This is so true and so well stated! Grief is a long process even in the best of circumstances!

Welcome to the forum…you have found a very special place for sure! I’m sorry for your loss and traumas that bring you here…and can assure you that your words will ring true for many of us, including myself.

From one who lost a child, and was present for the deaths of both my parents, already having CPTSD from childhood trauma, can tell you that for me, the numbness set in almost immediately and lasted quite a while. I’m sure it’s the disbelief as the realization pervades all of your senses. I believe it is how our mind protects us from the deep pain of loss…

You ARE as normal as possible in this situation. There’s no right or wrong time to feel things that you aren’t ready to feel especially with such a close loss to your soul.

Blessings to you on your grief journey.
AKJ