Cptsd, have to leave college again - what to do?

[aw97]

Hey everyone,

I just need some help from people who understand. I've been battling severe complex trauma my whole life, and the past few years have been beyond hell - barely been able to go outside largely. But after a few years in really focused trauma therapy where I thought I made great strides I decided I had to go back to college. I was barely functional but I thought I had to do it.

Well after 6 weeks, it's been retraumatising to such a degree that every moment I'm not there I spend ill, exhausted, due to the sky high anxiety and insomnia it created. Triggered 24:7 and it hasn't let up.

Instinctively I feel the only thing to do is leave, as this whole recovery thing is about compassion - the only thing keeping me going back is extreme self cruelty, because it isn't right. And I know I was getting somewhere before (I spent the last year only doing therapy pretty much)

Has anyone been in a similar position - of being forced to give up on work or studies, for the sake of your health. I'm absolutely torn because I don't feel I have an excuse for it, silly as it is I'm worried what people will think.

Thanks everyone

 

[scout86]

Are you still in therapy?

 

[aw97]

Are you still in therapy?

I am but it's come to a standstill since I went back to college - too triggered to deal anything

 

[Justmehere]

Is taking one class at a time an option?

 

[scout86]

Well, maybe you'll have to quit or, maybe, you can focus therapy on dealing with what ever is triggering about school. The idea behind therapy is to set it up so you can have a life, after all. What do your want to do with your life? Do you need college to do it?

 

[Calendula]

I'm also in school at the moment. While in university something happened and it made memories I had been suppressing for years come back. Since then, I've been completely out of it, dealing with depression, panic attacks, insomnia, etc. I work 22 hours a week minimum to support myself, on top of school and dealing with PTSD. It is exhausthing I completely understand your struggles. I was scared for a while that I would need to take a semester or year off, and I'm still wondering if I will need to, or if I'll have to drop a course.

I don't know if this will help... But, I keep reminding myself why I'm in school and what I'm trying to achieve. I've started a journal where I can just get my thoughts and emotions out, it's been helping me concentrate. I can't access therapy at the moment, but I used it last year and it helped a lot. I was also able to have some accommodations for assignments. I plan on registering with our accessibility services this year for note taking because I have troubles concentrating. I think there are a lot of services offered by colleges, and you should try looking into them.

However, if you do think that it is too much... Your well-being definitely comes first. There's nothing wrong with taking a year off. A year off can be very productive.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

See if you can try to schedule and utilize your trauma therapy sessions to help you through classes, yes I understand you're having trouble in trauma therapy...and you're also having trouble not being in trauma therapy...however with the very supportive therapist this could push you further to stay in and maintain your college curriculum schedule while talking with very supportive and understanding trauma therapist about how your feelings re trauma are messing with you...as you try and remain in school.

If you take the medical leave, will your financial resources still be there for you to pick up college right where you left off after you've emotionally stablized? I hope you can stay in college and finish...however only you talking with your therapist will be able to make this determination.

I wish and hope that you make the best decision that works out best for you in the end and take super good care of yourself.

I left college and wish I could've finished my studies...everyone's situation is so very different with differing layers and levels re trauma history...and please think long and hard before you make this very important life-changing decision and hopefully you'll not be left with the regrets that I now must live with...however, I made the best choice for myself at that time of extreme trauma exacerbation and I had to leave college...I had to leave.

If again, you decide to take the college medical leave, I hope that you will then work very hard in trauma therapy so that you may be able to timely and soon thereafter resume your college career studies. Wishing you the best.

 

[aw97]

Thanks for all the replies!

Ultimately for me it isn't a decision that's going to affect things long term - I've only just started and I could restart it at any time. I could go part time or I could just wait until I can cope. Frankly it's got way out of hand and I'm going to make myself very ill if I don't stop - it shouldn't even be a decision, but I just don't factor my feelings or health with these things...

Calendula I think you might be right about a year out - I spent the last year doing that and I had really good progress with symptoms, but then I got set right back by going to college too soon I think. It was a helpful year anyway though.

I think if I don't leave the decision will be made for me, but I have to act for myself for a change. Just feel so shameful, imagining what my family are gonna think of me, they don't understand :(

 

[scout86]

It's unfortunate that your family doesn't understand. Makes things harder, I imagine. I actually quit college, never explained anything to anyone, worked for awhile, then went back & finished. It was at a point where either I quit or they threw me out. Quitting was probably better. In fact, if I'd quit a quarter earlier, I wouldn't have had to retake the classes I flunked. :banghead: