Hello,
I see so many posts here of people in similar situations - I found this community looking for a place to speak, to talk, listen and mostly for understanding. I was diagnosed within the last year with cPTSD, complex trauma starting from when I can remember, creating fear, shame and loneliness throughout my life. I am now 33.
I started a relationship with my current partner and we quickly came up against the symptoms that always reveal themselves when I start to get close to someone. I always naively thought it would go away one day, that I could fall in love. I thought maybe I could have have a relationship without intense emotions, fear and anger breaking the relationship and ultimately leaving me alone. That's how it had always gone. But this time, instead of running away and telling me I'm crazy, this man stayed. He immediately started researching, telling me there's no way a person 'so kind and sweet, just acts this way for no reason.'
He was a marine and had education on PTSD and started to look into it. We talked and read and came up with tools. I found a program with Kaiser called DBT and started that. I'm a year into treatment and it's helped so much. Not just for knowledge about my trauma but to develop skills and a better understanding of my reactions and where they come from.
But this is all not the reason I'm here, more of a backdrop to why I felt I needed a community. I've felt like I needed to talk more about what's going on. My partner is trying his best but this is very hard on both of us. They warned us that things my get worse before they get better. Exposure therapy and DBT require stretching comfort zones, doing some of the things that are the most feared but also be able to trust that everything will be ok. With intense fears of trusting a partner, asking for help for anything at all, feeling inadequate and fears of being abandoned - my partner bears the brunt of many of my triggering reactions.
I know we love each other immensely, often it feels like we're made for each other. We have lots of adventures, good times, silly times and all that. But its so hard to see what he goes through sometimes. We both understand that most of my reactions are involuntary 'fight or flight' responses. But he feels helpless and like a 'monster' when I'm afraid of him in moments of being triggered, often out of seemingly nowhere. I feel he gets frustrated with me, saying things like 'why can't we just have a normal night,' when I'm having a particularly bad week. Shame is a huge part of my past and my trauma and I feel myself falling further into depression at times like this. I want to treat him fairly, I want to not constantly wonder if he's going to get fed up and leave me.
I don't have a lot of close friends, not many people understand trauma and the involuntary reactions, shame, and feelings of loneliness it brings, like I'm an outcast. Like I can't be loved. Can't be close to someone. I am healing, working harder than ever. I've felt more prepared, knowledgeable and able than ever before in my life. I feel like I have all the answers I so desperately wanted, the tools to get better and the motivation to do so. But I want a chance to give my relationship some time to not be on a hair trigger too. I want to be able to treat my partner fairly and I think to do that, I have to seek some support outside the relationship. That way I can bring stability and confidence into our interactions, not draw energy from him in order to even go out to eat or see a movie. I don't want to judge his frustration on him not caring about me. He's stayed by my side through some really bad flashbacks. We've had arguments that seemed hopeless for a moment, frustrations and helplessness showing through. But we've been able to come together after all of them. I just know its time I find others for support.
The shame has kept me from speaking to most people I know about my PTSD. But I think a good step is to talk. To be honest and most importantly, to ask for help.
I see so many posts here of people in similar situations - I found this community looking for a place to speak, to talk, listen and mostly for understanding. I was diagnosed within the last year with cPTSD, complex trauma starting from when I can remember, creating fear, shame and loneliness throughout my life. I am now 33.
I started a relationship with my current partner and we quickly came up against the symptoms that always reveal themselves when I start to get close to someone. I always naively thought it would go away one day, that I could fall in love. I thought maybe I could have have a relationship without intense emotions, fear and anger breaking the relationship and ultimately leaving me alone. That's how it had always gone. But this time, instead of running away and telling me I'm crazy, this man stayed. He immediately started researching, telling me there's no way a person 'so kind and sweet, just acts this way for no reason.'
He was a marine and had education on PTSD and started to look into it. We talked and read and came up with tools. I found a program with Kaiser called DBT and started that. I'm a year into treatment and it's helped so much. Not just for knowledge about my trauma but to develop skills and a better understanding of my reactions and where they come from.
But this is all not the reason I'm here, more of a backdrop to why I felt I needed a community. I've felt like I needed to talk more about what's going on. My partner is trying his best but this is very hard on both of us. They warned us that things my get worse before they get better. Exposure therapy and DBT require stretching comfort zones, doing some of the things that are the most feared but also be able to trust that everything will be ok. With intense fears of trusting a partner, asking for help for anything at all, feeling inadequate and fears of being abandoned - my partner bears the brunt of many of my triggering reactions.
I know we love each other immensely, often it feels like we're made for each other. We have lots of adventures, good times, silly times and all that. But its so hard to see what he goes through sometimes. We both understand that most of my reactions are involuntary 'fight or flight' responses. But he feels helpless and like a 'monster' when I'm afraid of him in moments of being triggered, often out of seemingly nowhere. I feel he gets frustrated with me, saying things like 'why can't we just have a normal night,' when I'm having a particularly bad week. Shame is a huge part of my past and my trauma and I feel myself falling further into depression at times like this. I want to treat him fairly, I want to not constantly wonder if he's going to get fed up and leave me.
I don't have a lot of close friends, not many people understand trauma and the involuntary reactions, shame, and feelings of loneliness it brings, like I'm an outcast. Like I can't be loved. Can't be close to someone. I am healing, working harder than ever. I've felt more prepared, knowledgeable and able than ever before in my life. I feel like I have all the answers I so desperately wanted, the tools to get better and the motivation to do so. But I want a chance to give my relationship some time to not be on a hair trigger too. I want to be able to treat my partner fairly and I think to do that, I have to seek some support outside the relationship. That way I can bring stability and confidence into our interactions, not draw energy from him in order to even go out to eat or see a movie. I don't want to judge his frustration on him not caring about me. He's stayed by my side through some really bad flashbacks. We've had arguments that seemed hopeless for a moment, frustrations and helplessness showing through. But we've been able to come together after all of them. I just know its time I find others for support.
The shame has kept me from speaking to most people I know about my PTSD. But I think a good step is to talk. To be honest and most importantly, to ask for help.
