Relationship Cptsd

[grimalkin]

@simon12 - Such changes kind of go hand in hand with c-PTSD relationships, especially if the sufferer is not getting treatment or dealing adequately. You can read my story around the board in various forums - 5 year marriage, 7 year relationship gone because my sufferer was triggered by something I said & did, after an incredibly stressful 6 month period. But, because he won't deal with his c-PTSD (and it didn't come out that was the problem until 4 months after the triggering event in which I was involved), he ran.

He could be the most loving, caring person one day, and the next (or sometimes the next minute), be completely awful towards me, while saying I was the one being awful. I, too, got "You are no better than my abusers," when he was symptomatic, and denying he even said such a thing later.

It's a very tough thing to deal with. Unfortunately, I did not have good boundaries, and ended up codependent through the course of our relationship, which did not help either of us. It requires the supporter to have firm boundaries and a support system (and life) outside of their relationship. It's suggested all over these forums (and I agree), that BOTH parties should have their own therapy - the sufferers for obvious reasons, and the supporter to get that mental support and knowledge and sounding board that is not family and friends (IE, a professional who understands mental illness, and whose first advice won't necessarily be "run!" and can help you figure out your own stuff).

Without the sufferer, at the very least, dealing with their illness, long term doesn't seem to work too well. Without the tools to cope with everyday stresses, even a good relationship can get to be too much for them. And without treatment, they may very well believe that triggers are because of other people/things, and not their illness.

 

[simon12]

@simon12 - Such changes kind of go hand in hand with c-PTSD relationships, especially if the sufferer...

Thanks for this. I too did not have good boundaries. Its very difficult. I mean if I knew from the start about CPTSD and took better care of myself it would've been easier.

she is not in therapy so this type of behaviour is likely to continue for a prolonged period from the sounds of it.

I think I am going to step away rather than chase her. I do not have the tools or the strength to take extreme and intense positive emotions followed by extreme and careless withdrawal.

 

[anthony]

Okay, that's it, I'm out of this thread

I think you need to take a break. You're pissy, and it will get you banned. If you have an issue, report it, otherwise, stop telling others what they can or cannot do, how they should, or should not act. Report it and let staff do their job please.

 

[Simon12]

@simon12 - Such changes kind of go hand in hand with c-PTSD relationships, especially if the sufferer...

I just wondered how long did it take for you to realise he has c-ptsd? Was only after you were married?

Thanks

 

[lostforgottensoul]

She had told me on numerous times during course of our relationship she loves me and that I mean everything to her.

she said was so upsetting, just a few days before she had cutlery delivered to my house, with a dinner set (plates, cups etc) for us to enjoy together... and suddenly a few days later... you remind me of my ex 80% of the time, I dont want a relationship, I want to be single...

I noticed she has a tendency to suddenly say very cold comments out of the blue on two occasions previously. Its like she can withdraw completely very easily.

These are the points I want to reply to. This sounds to me like a typical push/pull of PTSD. I'm a sufferer by the way. Push/pull = hot/cold. Pretty much the same thing. I can go from "I love you more then life" (or whatever) to "go away, you remind of me of XYZ abuser" within the same day. Sometimes the same convo or soon after.

The biggest question I'd have is in she in therapy? That makes a HUGE difference. Untreated PTSD runs rather "wild" if you will. I agree that she should not have stated that you remind her of her abuser 80% of the time nor should she blame you for "triggering her" as you didn't. She becomes triggered. That isn't your fault nor should you be expected to or even try to step around her triggers.

But, if it is untreated, she has not had a chance to learn coping skills or grounding skills or how to challenge distorted thoughts or that one can't trigger you but that you become triggered....or anything else. I can see, if she is untreated, how she can see it as you triggering her and that it is your fault. It's not and you didn't do anything wrong at all but her perception is skewed and she isn't seeing things rationally or how they really are but rather through an untreated PTSD lens.

Does that make any sense? I'm totally not blaming you but rather how one would see it if its untreated. Now, treated would be different as ahe would have had coping skills taught to her and many other things to deploy into her life. Still a push/pull but its different because its treated. So that makes a huge diffetence and I am unsure (from the posts) which it is, untreated or treated. If untreated I would encourage her to seek therapy. And either way I would use boundries - which are SUPER important and not only do boundries protect you but they help the sufferer. I use boundries that others set to help guide me so they help me as well as the boundry setter.

I think it is possible to have a simi-stable relationship with someone with cPTSD but there has to be some treatment in there.

Just my personal take on it. Hopefully it helps some.

 

[Simon12]

Unfortunately she is not in therapy at the moment... i did recommend it but she didnt seem very interested. Her method is repression which doesnt work...

I just cant win, and to be honest its her loss. I am a genuine guy.

 

[grimalkin]

I just wondered how long did it take for you to realise he has c-ptsd? Was only after you were married?

Yup. IF he mentioned PTSD at all early in our relationship, it was in passing - I remember him saying once that "all you need to know is, if I tell you to leave me alone, then you need to leave me alone." I honestly at this point don't remember if it was in reference to PTSD or not. He always said he is an asshole, and had "anger management" issues, and a "bad childhood." He had a diagnosis of PTSD from a work injury, after we were married, but he was "Ok...nothing new to worry about." Silly me, I believed him and didn't research it further, beyond the cursory "Ok, he'll have flashbacks possibly...but that doesn't seem to be an issue..." He admitted that the psychiatrist he saw due to the work injury had no idea about the childhood trauma (because he thinks he's "dealt" with it, and it's not an issue...).

Complex PTSD came about towards the end, when we were finally in couples counseling. Our counselor happened to be a survivor herself, and specialized in trauma work (which was a coincidence - I didn't seek that specifically). Then, he started hinting he knew he had PTSD all along.

And started talking about he was hurt because it took a "professional" for me to "finally believe" him...He claimed in counseling he hadn't told me previously, beyond the work-related diagnosis, then changed his story that he had and I didn't believe him. At this point, I really and truly can't remember if he had or not. It was in the back of my mind throughout our relationship, but I DO remember that was because a mutual friend with (combat) PTSD told me about how my sufferer's actions sounded an awful lot like it.

So, basically, the complex-PTSD "diagnosis" came about at the end, during couples counseling. There was enough gaslighting and lying (intentional or not) from him throughout our relationship that I really don't trust my memories entirely. "Do I remember something because it became an issue more recently? Or did I forget something because my memory is bad?"

 

[simon12]

Yup. IF he mentioned PTSD at all early in our relationship, it was in passing - I remember him saying...

Yes the gaslighting!!! That was a major red flag for me. That's when I knew there was something horribly wrong. It was difficult to believe I had been gaslighted, as she seemed so nice and caring for a pro-longed period of time. Then suddenly, boom. The second time she gas-lighted, it really hit home. And now you've said it, that it comes with c-ptsd. I am definitely staying away for good.

 

[grimalkin]

I honestly believe that lies and gaslighting were not intentional on my sufferer's part. In retrospect, the lies happened when he was dissociating and he doesn't always remember the awful things he would say, but at the same time wouldn't admit he even admit it was a problem. Instead, he'd tell me I was either making it up or misremembering.

It took me awhile to even be willing to call it abuse and and lighting because the intent wasn't there. It was only after it was pointed out to him and even verified by a third party, and he STILL was unwilling to deal with it, that I started looking at it differently.

Folks here have proven that those with c-PTSD aren't all like that. For my sufferer, he was untreated and unwilling to admit there was a problem. He still is unwilling and largely unaware. I think that is part of the difference - selfawareness and treatment and willingness to work on it.

But that does not mean everyone with c-PTSD is like that.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@EveHarrington if reading the supporter threads is irritating you, then maybe you need a break too.

 

[simon12]

I honestly believe that lies and gaslighting were not intentional on my sufferer's part. In retrospec...

I am sure my ex knew when she was gaslighting. the reasons were obvious - to preserve her own innocence and avoid feelings of shame/guilt. You just can't win with these types of individuals.

Looking back I hate her. I hate her for not telling me I remind her of her ex 80% of the time earlier. Instead she chose to string me along and dump me if and when she wants. With her memory problems, lack of humour, and self-destructive behaviours (binge eating, ignorance, staying in unhealthy jobs), moaning, I don't know why I even stayed for so long.

Damn family and friends pushing me to stay. Good thing I got out sooner rather than later. Imagine 10 years of this, id end up in a psychiatric hospital.

 

[Snowflakes]

It is possible to have a relationship with someone with C-PTSD. That said, I have learned that there is nothing you can do or say to fix her or change her. You only have the power to know how you plan to accept the fallout from her illness in your own mind and heart. @grimalkin gives you very sound advice, take everything she writes to heart. The same with @Sweetpea76 , I wish I could have learned her coping skills a long time ago.

I have spent 10 years with my C-PTSD sufferer. She didn't get help right away and neither did I. Yes, you should consider therapy for yourself to learn coping skills.

Take care of you.