Craziest Dissociative Spell Ever

[shimmerz]

We are moving. Only the necessities are in the house right now. If we put everything together in the kitchen it would fit on one shelf. As things are changing in the house I am reacting again. So, long story short, house wasn't tidy when I left yesterday and SO got a call that landlord was showing the house. He took everything that was out and threw them in various places. SO usually is not involved in kitchen.

I came home and looked for a serving spoon that I had out. I looked where it normally was, then looked in 'odd' places'. When I realized I wasn't finding it I froze. Completely. That isn't uncommon (although less so these days). My hands went to my head (which means this is a bad one) and I pulled my hair. SO took me out of the kitchen and sat me down and went to finish what I was doing. In my head this is what happened:

1. Brain feels like it is searching for something. I feel like it is being scoured to put things together.
2. Clear as day I feel myself in my old kitchen arguing with my ex about an asparagus pan that I could not find (this happened frequently as he would 'remove' or 'move' things in the house to gaslight me.
This honestly, appeared as a flash (it seemed like no time had gone by compared to the memory and the time it took for the incident in the kitchen to happen originally)
3. My head goes to the ex screaming at me while I am in the corner of the kitchen working 'shut the f up' in front of the kids.
4. Find myself in the garage at the house of horrors. Searching for tools or 'things' while we were building and being so frustrated that I could not understand what I was being asked to look for or where it could possibly have been - because I was told it was in one place and in fact it was somewhere else altogether. The garage was huge, just to give some perspective).
Again, so much info bombarded me but it seemed like just a flash of time before I gathered info from this and went onto the next thing.

Still pulling my hair.....
SO gives me my sublingual ativan. Takes a minute or two for it to set. My brain starts to become clearer. In the meanwhile I simply cannot move and am pulling my hair enough that hair comes out in my hand after I release it.

5. Find myself in a corner in the kitchen with two very large people standing over me. I am frozen and they are screaming. I am playing dead. I can't escape. I am protecting my teddy bear. My brain starts searching for a way to escape from the corner. It feels like feigning death is the only way to do so. My brain continues to search for a way to 'really' escape. It builds an image, which I won't get into. With the help through this visualization my brain resolves that I was able to escape.

I let go of my hair, start to gingerly move but am mute for approximately 3 hours afterwards.

I have two questions.
1. I know that I need to find an emotion that ties all of these things together. I can't seem to label what this feeling is. I am not certain that I have given enough detail to get at that but if there are any guesses would love to hear them.
2. Have any of you experienced the imagery portion of this posting where the brain can 'build a new concept' in the ending of of a situation that is more empowering than the original outcome. Norman Doidge speaks about this when dealing with phantom pain in amputees using the mirror box.

 

[scout86]

Personally? No. BUT.........

To begin with, I almost replied to your other post, wrote something, then deleted it. (This is kind of "one of those days". So was yesterday. Whatever?)

My T works with pain patients. He does lots of weird stuff. He says he gets bored easily. (?) Anyway, he has talked about stuff like the mirror box.

His way of processing trauma involves visualizing. I don't know as much about how this works as I probably should, because I seem to be unable to actually "visualize" anything. (He would have me add, "yet", I know.) I don't know what that's about, it doesn't really matter, it just means I've heard about this but not been able to do it. (yet). The goal is, more or less, to be able to "watch" the traumatic events from a "safe" place and come to terms with the reality that that was then, this is now, etc. I asked him once if I was allowed to visualize an event where I carried a gun and used it, even though that's not the way it actually happened. He paused, thought, and said that that was an option. Then he told me about a client who had been kidnapped, held, tortured, etc, who ultimately re-imagined her situation and ended it with a bombing run that blew up the house, with the kidnappers in it. (She was fine, she was flying the plane.)

Is that anything like what you're thinking?

 

[Kintsugi]

This is a super interesting topic. I have not done this with flashbacks, but I have done this with recurring nightmares. My T told me that I should visualize a way out of the nightmare before I go to sleep. I have been good at lucid dreaming in the past, so this was an extremely helpful suggestion for me to practice. I haven't had to do this for a while, but it did work for me after a couple weeks of practice.

I haven't experienced flashbacks in a long time, maybe a couple years or a bit less, but if I have trouble with them again, I'm definitely going to try this approach to resolving them. It never occurred to me this method could work on flashbacks as well as nightmares.

 

[ghotiff]

emotion that ties all of these things together

Just brainstorming thoughts which might help you think through what it is, or isn't.

Fear that you SO was gaslight ing you.

Anger that he touched/moved item in "your" area. (And he didn't ask or tell you).

Fear that you couldn't serve dinner and that there would be consequences.

Feeling trapped because you couldn't finish making dinner, but you felt you had too.

Just thoughts.

 

[Chava]

1. I know that I need to find an emotion that ties all of these things together. I can't seem to label what this feeling is. I am not certain that I have given enough detail to get at that but if there are any guesses would love to hear them.
2. Have any of you experienced the imagery portion of this posting where the brain can 'build a new concept' in the ending of of a situation that is more empowering than the original outcome. Norman Doidge speaks about this when dealing with phantom pain in amputees using the mirror box.

1. I don't know but I can say that body sensations don't easily connect to thoughts, images, or feelings for me. I have one or the other, but I do feel how it is important to have those things integrated in order to not be "stuck". I've had a few situations where it came together and those moments seemed more healing or transformative.

2. I'm not sure if it's the same thing, but my therapist has encouraged me to imagine a new ending, or a "do-over", like imagine how I would have liked to have a nightmare turn out instead, or when recalling one scary incident, she asked me to imagine who might be there to help me...my body was in that memory, so the idea (I think) is to create a resolution to the felt experience I kept feeling. I can't change the past (and my logical adult brain resists this sort of thing), but it makes sense that if my body is sort of reliving something, can I imagine a different ending and create a new feeling? In these situations, my imagination works very poorly, but I believe it's a great tool. I'd like to access it better.

This isn't the same, but sort of related to the power of imagination...when I was sick but finding it impossible to rest, I settled on imagining a huge crab on my back (friendly, protective, and watching in all directions for me)...I really put my mind in that scene, imagining what the crab looked like, how it felt if something else could stay awake and watch for me, something with powerful claws. That was very helpful, but I can't access that very often. I've also gone back and fixed a horrid lucid dream...backed a car over a guy and saved a friend's life. The feelings were empowering, vs what I would have felt with that nightmare unresolved. The "do-over" part of regular memories is harder for me to utilize, but I believe it makes sense. It doesn't invalidate the original story, but provides a way for our bodies to experience a felt resolution, whether flight, protection, etc. Nervous system re-wiring, neuroplasticity stuff maybe. ??

Anyway, I'm not sure, but it sounds kind of like you found a way to resolve a particular trauma scenario. Also, moving is stressful. I'm a little prone to derealization when really stressed, so I've had some weird moments in my newish home. Take good care of yourself through the process.

 

[Friday]

1. One of my stressors/triggers is being unprepared in the moment. Not having what I need. Not being able to find what I need in time. This has come out in odd / sideways ways in the past. Like when we were burying these kids who had died of measles, while we had the damn vaccine with us (humping it through a no fly zone) trying to vax everyone ahead of the epidemic). Was I crying my eyes out over the kids? Nope. (Ish). Was I bawling because we had what was needed and couldn't get it there in time? Nope. (Ish). "What" I was sobbing over was not being able to find my hair tie. Yah. Can't find it! Omg! Can't find it, can't find it! I have to find it! Now!

I can't even count the hundreds of times I didn't have what I "needed". Whether it was medical training while someone bleeds out, or supplies when I had the training, or ammo, or weapons, or reinforcements, or a ride out, or, or, or. But imprinted, very heavily in my mind is that if I don't have instant access to something I need? People will hurt. People will die.

I have some pretty banging defense mechanisms built up for when what I need and can't find/ don't have really is life or death. But when I'm doing badly? That terror leaks out on stupid stuff. Like a hair tie. Or a serving spoon. The more meaningless something is, the harder I flash to all the hundreds of times it was anything but meaningless. And the results.

2. Yep. Suck starting a pistol, and instead turning it outwards, away from myself. From quitting to back to work.

 

[shimmerz]

Interesting that this entire scenario played over EXACTLY the same way tonight as it did back in November. Sun was here to see it and she reminded me of this posting. It is eerie to me that I read this posting and it was an instant replay of what happened back in November when I originally posted this.