Hello everybody, and thanks from the deepest of my heart to the staff for having made this PTSD forum possible.
I am French, musician, music teacher.
I have not been diagnosed as C-PTSD because I have no possibility to see either a doctor or a psy (living in a 3rd world country right now), but I have no doubt about it. Now, I don't like labels as I feel that it may sometimes tend to make us using them as an excuse to not move on. But actually, to know that I was not alone and not crazy helped me a lot when it all started.
Me, my wife and my 2 children lived in Central America since 6 years when, one year ago, we decided that my wife goes back to France with my children for their studies. So, in June 2011 we went back together to France and it was planned that I come back in Central America until I could sort out some job problems. In June 2011 I got a very big swallowing problem during 4 months. I could not talk during meals because I had to focus hard just to be able to eat or drink properly. Now I know it was kind of an anxiety crisis, but I swear I didn't feel any anxiety at all! End of August I came back in Central America, alone.
In December 2011 I went to France to visit my beloved family then went back to Central America mid January 2012.
Since 2-3 years I had come to wonder the reason why I absolutely didn't remember anything from when I was 9-10 years old, living with my grandparents at that time. I used these months being alne to do some research but did not find a lot. One evening in February 2012 I chatted with a friend about that. Just after I finished that chat, I suddenly found myself with an incredible feeling of complete despair, curling up on the ground for more than one hour, only softly whimpering "nononono please no, please no, no...". It was as if I only was a living pain, nothing else existed anymore. I could not call the hospital because of this country where I live. Very luckily after a little more than an hour I could be aware again of my surroundings and my best friend was online and has been so helpful.
I had 1 more crisis like that, then I wondered if the amount of pain was due to the fact that I was resisting to it. So I decided that if I had again a crisis like that I would accept the pain and welcome it my best I could and see where it would lead me.
A 3rd crisis happened and I did as I decided, I welcame the feeling of despair and went through it. It actually made it worse, because added to the despair, a total feeling of abandon came out.
I luckily could do a therapy called "The Journey" with a psy abroad. I had decided to kill myself if that would not stop the crisis as these were too much unbearable, I hoped it would have solved it all like with a magic wand and yes it helped me really a lot and very quickly... even if I admit that a LOT has clearly still to be done. But now I KNOW I want to live, and I could face why I had these crisis. Yes, there was a reason why I did not remember until a few weeks ago my living period at my grandparents.
I decided 3 weeks ago that I am not a victim anymore, even if I have to focus restlessly to not have these victim reflexes that I got since 40 years.
Only that this is hard... so very hard...
I am French, musician, music teacher.
I have not been diagnosed as C-PTSD because I have no possibility to see either a doctor or a psy (living in a 3rd world country right now), but I have no doubt about it. Now, I don't like labels as I feel that it may sometimes tend to make us using them as an excuse to not move on. But actually, to know that I was not alone and not crazy helped me a lot when it all started.
Me, my wife and my 2 children lived in Central America since 6 years when, one year ago, we decided that my wife goes back to France with my children for their studies. So, in June 2011 we went back together to France and it was planned that I come back in Central America until I could sort out some job problems. In June 2011 I got a very big swallowing problem during 4 months. I could not talk during meals because I had to focus hard just to be able to eat or drink properly. Now I know it was kind of an anxiety crisis, but I swear I didn't feel any anxiety at all! End of August I came back in Central America, alone.
In December 2011 I went to France to visit my beloved family then went back to Central America mid January 2012.
Since 2-3 years I had come to wonder the reason why I absolutely didn't remember anything from when I was 9-10 years old, living with my grandparents at that time. I used these months being alne to do some research but did not find a lot. One evening in February 2012 I chatted with a friend about that. Just after I finished that chat, I suddenly found myself with an incredible feeling of complete despair, curling up on the ground for more than one hour, only softly whimpering "nononono please no, please no, no...". It was as if I only was a living pain, nothing else existed anymore. I could not call the hospital because of this country where I live. Very luckily after a little more than an hour I could be aware again of my surroundings and my best friend was online and has been so helpful.
I had 1 more crisis like that, then I wondered if the amount of pain was due to the fact that I was resisting to it. So I decided that if I had again a crisis like that I would accept the pain and welcome it my best I could and see where it would lead me.
A 3rd crisis happened and I did as I decided, I welcame the feeling of despair and went through it. It actually made it worse, because added to the despair, a total feeling of abandon came out.
I luckily could do a therapy called "The Journey" with a psy abroad. I had decided to kill myself if that would not stop the crisis as these were too much unbearable, I hoped it would have solved it all like with a magic wand and yes it helped me really a lot and very quickly... even if I admit that a LOT has clearly still to be done. But now I KNOW I want to live, and I could face why I had these crisis. Yes, there was a reason why I did not remember until a few weeks ago my living period at my grandparents.
I decided 3 weeks ago that I am not a victim anymore, even if I have to focus restlessly to not have these victim reflexes that I got since 40 years.
Only that this is hard... so very hard...
