Crumbling Apart

[InsideAWord]

This may explain my behavior, but does not excuse it.

I've hit a point in my life where my traumatic event may or may not negatively impact the rest of my future. I've been under a lot of stress from my professional life, college life, and social life. My symptoms have returned in full force, and I've regressed plenty in my recovery.

1 or 2 months ago, I was celebrating my success in recovery. I'm off my Abilify, now, and I was practicing coping mechanisms regularly so that I could easily recover after exposure to any of my triggers. Now, my fears and anxieties have returned full force. My night terrors occur every night, sometimes two to four times a night. More often than not, I have to sit up and look around in a delirium until I finally realize where I am and what time it is. I wake up sobbing and rocking myself back and forth because the nightmares seem so real. Sometimes they're flashbacks to the traumatic event -- sometimes they're nightmares that mirror my anxieties.

I've had four flashbacks this past week -- two of them were entirely developed and bordered on full-body hallucinations.

I've been more than hyper-vigilant -- I've been lashing out at people when I feel threatened. Especially after I've had a stressful day. I get to the point where I'm sick of feeling victimized and I want to do something to form some sort of control. The biggest problem is that I'm lashing out at people who don't deserve it and have nothing to do with what happened to me. Even worse, the thoughts during and after the rage will catastrophize up until the point that I begin to fantasize about committing suicide.

I'm blaming myself and beating myself up for things that shouldn't necessarily be a big deal. But, for some reason, I can't let them go. Any time I make a mistake, or if I forget something, I want to bang my head on a table or run away from the situation because I just keep telling myself how stupid I am and how I'll always be a loser because I can't seem to get it together.

I'm so sorry.


EDIT addition: There are times where I would just love to disappear. Just dissolve into nothingness. To a point where no one would care about me or even give me a second thought. I just feel so disgusting, so horrible, like I don't deserve to live.

 

[arfie]

I am sorry, too. I hope you can be gentle with yourself through this. Beating yourself up for being human doesn't help any that I have ever noticed. Gently and lovingly remembering how you accomplished that success in your recovery will help allot. You are NOT back to square one. All the tools that helped you once can help you again.

Setbacks are part of life. Success is the art of getting up once more than you have fallen. Gentle hopes and support to help you rise again.

 

[InsideAWord]

@arfie, your kind words brought tears to my eyes. But, I feel so isolated and alone. I even tried to contact some people who I thought suffered the same traumatic event, but they don't want to connect with me. And, it makes me feel needy and ashamed. There are times where I think that I don't deserve to be where I am. I think that sometimes I just got here by luck. I think that I don't deserve to be happy, to be where I am. That there are so many people who are so much better than me.

 

[InsideAWord]

Also, there are days that are so rough that I feel like I need a drink to just relax and recharge. But, I shouldn't feel like that. That's not healthy. But, I can't bring myself to go running or go biking because I feel emotionally and physically drained. I just want to sit there and suck down a beer or a glass of wine because it takes the edge off reality. I can feel and think in a fuzzy way. But, I know that that is not a healthy coping mechanism.

 

[arfie]

If I do not understand, things are as they are. If I do understand, things are as they are. ~Zen proverb

I am not at all convinced "deserve" has anything to do with it. I believe "Deserve" is just a word in the Blame Game. Same for comparing.

You are already sharing. Excellent start. What else is in your tool box? A more low key exercise? Stretching? Tai chi? Some music or art? Journaling? You did this once. You CAN do it again.

 

[Promicarus]

@InsideAWord

I feel so isolated and alone."..."feel needy and ashamed. There are times where I think that I don't deserve to be where I am. I think that sometimes I just got here by luck. I think that I don't deserve to be happy, to be where I am. That there are so many people who are so much better than me.

Then welcome to the club!

The above thoughts sound like they could have been lifted directly from the diaries of a thousand different trauma-sufferers...at least.

But when you're sitting in the middle of that actual experience, hearing that does exactly no good at all, I know (...at least that's what I would say to someone telling me that, at such a time).

So does it help anyone to "know", that is to say, be "intellectually aware", etc.--that the thought's/feelings that they are having are "just symptoms", in that they are so common to those with a history of trauma, that they could be almost put into a category of a scab being common to a cut--and so nothing to take seriously.

But again--"detaching" from these, in the sense of "externalizing" them, i.e. "giving up ownership" of them...in the same sense that you would not really consider a scab forming as having anything to do with you, personally...is more difficult than it sounds.

But that's how meditation has helped me, immensely--as in night/day, "all-encompassing life-change", helped me.
Meditation is often misunderstood, and made out to be much more complicated and involved than it actually is.
It's really just practicing at focusing your thoughts, and doing just that---detaching from them, so as to not be affected by them..seeing them as "just a film passing by" etc., or just "old tapes", etc....without taking ownership of them.

I feel like I'm being insensitive here--by making it out to be "just something to practice at overcoming" and that therefore your pain is not valid or significant---like some boorish high school football coach saying "just walk it off!" to an injured player.

And that's not what I mean at all. This is hard to explain, though, without sounding exactly that--insensitive---
but the more I take these thoughts seriously, the more entrenched they become, and the more they reoccur, like I'm watering a plant.

There's something to be said for sharing your thoughts and feelings, giving voice to them and owning and acknowledging them, rather than just repressing them, putting on a "brave face" to show the world, and all that. That bubble pops, eventually, sooner or later, in most---or worse, doesn't pop,..and leaves you numb and anaesthetized, living a false life, and keeping everyone in the world "at a safe distance"...and missing a life, in other words.

And I admire your courage and strength in admitting to such feelings of insignificance, shame, and unworthiness. I have a great deal of trouble doing even that, even here, on this forum.--where it's expected and understood, and even welcomed. And I think that the therapeutic value of that lies largely in facing them, and by giving them voice, saying, in effect "These may be my feelings, but they are not me...here's how I'll prove it, by not keeping them secret, as though I were afraid I'd be "discovered"' as actually being these things"...and that by doing so, you do in effect "disown them", and externalize them. You've "faced them down" so to speak, by not being scared into silence about them--BY them.

So I guess what I'm saying is that there's a "window", as with all things---we have to find the right amount..but not too much. I.E. sharing is great, and necessary...but at some point, I know that I am prone to wallowing, if I don't catch myself (and that's not saying at all that that's what you're doing, just using myself as an example).

I wrote in another entry about realizing that I am actually "addicted to shame". And how big a step that was for me...I guess tantamount to the "first step" of the 12 steps of any recovery program. "The first step is admitting you have a problem". :)

I joke, to keep things light--because it could become a pretty heavy subject, pretty quickly, otherwise.
But I've actually have had to begin to stopping to "simply notice" (a meditation/mindfulness technique), when I am "using"....yes, I have literally begun to just slap that label on it, whenever feelings like that come up.

And that's hard to swallow, I know...."How can feeling bad be equated to "using" something addictively", after all. Don't people use addictions to "indulge themselves"? How in the world can I be "indulging myself" in feeling horrible?

Because a) it's familiar (from my own trauma) b)it's safe because it's familiar c)it's safer than having "real feelings" which I'm not in control of (I am in control over making myself feel the shame, however)...which are unfamiliar and unpredictable, (because I've been numbing myself against them for so long again, a common symptom/practice in those with trauma histories) d) it enables me to feel special and "at the center of the universe", ie significant...a need that all children have at one stage...and which I never really grew past due to having been "stunted" at that age by my trauma...e) it actually makes me feel "good" perversely, because I was convinced by my traumatizer(s) that I desergved to feel that way...so in feeling that way, I could "please my traumatizers" by "being a good boy", in "owning up to what I deserve"...not to mention that it is an intense feeling, after all...and humans are addicted to intense feelings, whether good or bad (think of the paranoia of the cocaine addict, or the terror of the "thrill junky" bunjee cord jumper, etc)...and the list goes on.

Until I was able to see this tendency in a new light and relabel it..."make" it for what it really was...I couldn't defend against it. And it's still a battle, honestly. But it's like recognizing an intruder in your house...as long as you don't notice him...or mistake him for a friend...he'll just continue to do damage. Now I fight him tooth and nail, and make a point of keeping an eye out for him, because he WILL sneak back in when I'm not looking. He's worn out his welcome...like someone with doo on his shoe who smells up the whole place :).


But I do hope that if these feelings begin to become overwhelming, you'll reach out , both here, and for professional help, as well. I take antidepressants and other meds for PTSD//nightmares, and am the last person to tell you that "you just need to tough it out" and "it's all just in your head", etc. and don't have any patience for those kind of people...AT ALL.

So glad you're here and continuing to share and be honest about your feelings and experiences.


And as far as the "deserve trap" is concerned, I second arfie's offering...and would add a line from a Pearl Jam Song....."Do I deserve to be""..""Is that the question?"....and if so, who answers, who answers? "


Who answers that question, InsideAWord? No one does, that's who. Except for you.. And when you beginn to give yourself a break, and realize that you're a good person...then you'll have the answer.

 

[LGC]

Promicarus, that's a very interesting perspective. Thanks, I needed to read that. :)

InsideAWord, I'm having a lot of trouble right now too - things seemed to be going along pretty well then something snapped and poof. I have a lot of processing to do, and I'm just getting started. I know it doesn't really help much when someone else says "yeah, I so get it" but ... I so get it.

One 'mental strategy' I have found helpful is to name the 'voices' in my head (not THAT kind of voices, just the self-talk kinds of voices). There's the Selfish Girl, who wants everything RIGHT NOW (but she is a very helpful person to have around when people are trying to walk all over you or take advantage of you), there's the Mean Girl who can tear a strip off your hide in two seconds flat, who likes to make you feel hideous and unlovable and bad (but she's handy when you need to be defended from someone else's meanness, cause she is tough and doesn't take any nonsense), and there's the Scared Girl who insists that we are in danger and we need to run and hide or freeze or please or whatever (of course she is very useful when there IS danger, but of course, those of us with trauma histories tend to have Scared Girls/Boys who are a bit over enthusiastic, shall we say).

When I can assign the narrative I'm hearing ("I am so stupid" or "I am such a loser" or "oh crap RUN!") to one of the Girls in my Head, then I can have a conversation with them.

Scared Girl has been very loud this past week. In fact, she got into the Captain's Chair when I wasn't looking and we had a full blown trauma reenactment complete with actually running away from home (home is now a completely, totally safe place, as it's not the home where the Original Story happened, but Scared Girl doesn't always see that). I have had to have some talks with her about what is now, what was before, realistic danger assessments, all that kind of thing. When I can envision her as this little girl, hiding under the bed and screaming in terror ... it's a bit easier to be, I dunno, empathetic towards that part of myself, I guess. Takes some of the wind out of the Mean Girl's sails - because of course she wants in on the game, telling me I'm awful to have behaved so badly and that I don't deserve to be well ... and then I can tell the Mean Girl that we don't speak to people that way, to point out that if someone else had lived through what I just did, we'd feel compassionate towards them, and so she needs to just be quiet and think about that for a bit.

Your Mean Kid is having a ball telling you that you don't deserve to be happy, that it's wrong to be needy (hello? we all have needs!), that it's all your fault. The Mean Kid doesn't know everything. The Mean Kid may have some points - yep, you need validation, you need to be heard ... okay, but that isn't a BAD thing, it's just ... a thing. Could your Sad Kid need some comfort? Your Scared Kid need some reassurance? We are kind to sad people and to scared people ... and I generally find that when I can talk to my Sad Kid and my Scared Kid in my head the way I'd talk to a real kid who was sad or scared, well, it hurts a lot less, and my Mean Girl doesn't get a chance to go off on a tangent of self-hatred and destructiveness (she's a tough cookie, my Mean Girl, gotta keep an eye on her all the time).

My Mean Girl was way outta control for awhile there. When I started reacting to her narratives the way I'd react if I overheard my kids (or any kids, in fact) talking that way to one another, things got much, much better. I somehow couldn't stop the self-destructive talk when it felt like "me" feeling that way, but when it was the Mean Girl on a rampage, well, I could get out my Mom voice and tell her to go sit in the corner and think about her words for awhile. :)

It sounds really silly, but it helped me a lot. Maybe it would be of some help for you.