Crushed

[mumstheword]

I finally have a word for this part or whatever it is. It's what my ex and mother both did to me emotionally. Treated me like I wasn't a person, just something to serve their needs. I feel like I don't even know how to be a person but I know other parts of me do. Rapists and sexual predators honed in on it, because I didn't have a sense of being a person.

How do I change this now, it's been so many years of this? How does one get a sense of personhood when one is crushed? I know that there are parts very different to me. Wow I have a me! A me with no motivation, no sense of self other than crushed, demoralized, broken, that doesn't feel like a person.

I am hoping when I get to hospital, in two months, to address this, because it's chronic, but in the meantime, now I have a word for it, what now? I guess I will bring it up in T.

I've been struggling for days to find any motivation to do anything that is important to me because this came up. I stare into space, I trawl this website, maybe watch something, but no motivation, just chronic crushedness

 

[Finchlet2]

There is motivation and that's what's getting you through feeling like this. Motivation to feel something other than the waves of pain and numbness when even your pain gives up. There is motivation because you are not ready to give up on this feeling passing and if you can hold on and distract yourself when possible face it when necessary it will eventually pass and it may come back but the more it comes back the better equipped you are to deal

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you @Finchlet2! :-)
I ended up sleeping for most of the day because it was so overpowering. My guy is a sufferer too and we were both feeling depressed, we slept too. We love each other very much and that always gets us through. It didn't stop us feeling that. Feeling better now. I cried a little and that might have helped. Woke up feeling that life is bearable. I realize I do have motivation, I come here, I want to be well. I have hope for the future. It's been a very long, hard road to get here and I'm not giving up. I want better.
I love all you guys here. You really help, knowing that you know what it's like.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply @Finchlet2 . I really, really appreciate it.

 

[Sideways]

You don’t neee to do anything right in this moment. You just acknowledge. Sit with that, let the grief wash over you.

Then you go back to looking after yourself. You practice some self compassion. You breathe. Then when those feelings, those realisations come back? You sit with them a while again. Then you practice self compassion again.

Not doing anything other than caring for yourself, as gently as you can, while you sit with these thoughts? Is healing. And it hurts like hell, but you’re doing great.

It gets better. The new you, the rebuilt you, will uncover itself. You rebuild after the grief has finished, and it will. In the meantime, keep breathing, keep being your own gentle friend, caring for you during the dark times. Thoughts are with you strong lady.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @mumstheword... OK so theres that little girl who was crushed and then there's the adult woman..who has no motivation..That's OK.... What have you always said it's temporary......
You are being way to hard on yourself..... You are one of the most wisest, supportive and honest, genuine people I know... So thats the adult woman...

Motivation comes and goes..... U know that... So right now there's none... That's OK tomorrow or next week may be different...

U support so many people on here... That's amazing... And you're motivated to do it see.... Put it into perspective.... Big hugs always..... X

 

[mumstheword]

@Xena ...making me cry, so kind.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@mumstheword I know that this is a difficult thing to do when in the moment you feel like you’ve been crushed. Is it really you? Are you the horrible person in this equation? Are you the one that is less than human?

Anger doesn’t serve us well in many circumstances, but in cases like this, it’s really helpful to logically sit and think about the events leading up to where we are now, to really turn things around and really have a good look at EVERYONES behavior that was involved.

Too many times we are beaten down emotionally and we BELIEVE what has been said/done to us. But logically is it really true? No, it’s the sickness of demented minds that have been PROJECTED unto us. It’s them, their sickness that has invaded our souls and minds. It’s NOT us, and we really need to remind ourselves that we are NOT the sick ones. This is where anger can be helpful, if a person can get there. To place blame where it needs to be. On them. Then to work on the trauma and ways to let go of the anger later on down the road......

I hope that you can truly understand that you really aren’t crushed, the whole person in there, you just have to believe that and then look at the parties involved and place blame where it needs to be. Then the trauma work will come and will help......

 

[mumstheword]

You don’t neee to do anything right in this moment. You just acknowledge. Sit with that, let...

I keep reading... and crying ...And reading this again ... and crying a bit more, and no doubt I will come back and reread many more times . I needed this message, it has me undone, and I think that is a good thing. It does feel healing. Thank you @Ragdoll Circus wise woman you are. You have helped me more than you could know.

@mumstheword I know that this is a difficult thing to do when in the moment you fee...

I do try to assign blame where it's due.That's something.I've been working on. It helps. Thanks for the reminder :-)

I am finding the symptoms impair me so much now. It's humiliating.

I know impaired self esteem is one of our symptoms and I've worked really hard to combat it. It does pay off, but it's still a big issue.
I'm pretty down because I need hospitalization, now, due to a narcy neighbor who has me worn down after ridiculous levels of crapola.
My triggers let me know I am an emotionally and neurologically/hormonally injured woman.

Anger is a step up from self-loathing, crushed and utterly humiliated. I'm past self-loathing but the other stuff is work-in-progress.

Thanks for the good advice. It is good advice and I'm heeding it @She Cat

 

[Scarlet13]

I finally have a word for this part or whatever it is. It's what my ex and mother both did to me em...

So, I am dealing with this now.
My sense of self always arrives at this statement:
"I am a piece of shit and I should not have love or resources."
This thought process feels soothing and makes sense while at the same time causes anxiety because I am fighting for love.
I recently noticed that within this sense of self there is a yielding, a darkness blending with some light.

This is due to therapy, the approval of my therapist and the perspective shifting that occurs in trauma work. Holding abusers accountable. I have been holding my mother accountable for her abuse and while this makes me feel like a terrible person, I get a little of my self back in the process.

I have found that when I am crushed with no motivation that doing one thing at a time helps. Pick a self care or distracting thing and do that with no judgement.

Sometimes I have been so crushed that the one thing I picked to do what to sit up. Then stand up. Then put on one shoe and so on.