Crying At The Drop Of A Hat...

[Lionheart]

With seven (7) chronic illnesses (including major depressive disorder) and a myriad of symptoms flaring up, I have been crying at the drop of a hat and having a lot of muscle tension and physical pain.

I just have so much going on in my life and I feel so overwhelmed. I am working on healing from several medical illnesses as well as child abuse issues and I am out of my medications for a few more days until I get paid. I am having emotional meltdowns left and right.

No suicidal ideations though, thank goodness!!! I guess I just need a place where I can talk about it as I don't have a therapist at the present time and I feel so all alone.

I had a little meltdown on Facebook yesterday, because a certain friend had not talked to me in over a year and I went off on a rant about how it is not a very social site anymore (if it ever was). I also went on a rant after seeing my doctor today about how medical professionals treat people like drug-seekers if they are having pain problems and made some idle threats that I probably should not have made.

When my doctor asked me how I was doing today I flat out bawled like a baby!!! It seems even situation comedies can make me cry and I just need a place to vent my frustrations.

If this continues I might make a little visit to the hospital for a few days to get some in-patient treatment. I can't sleep as I have insomnia and I just need someone to talk to me about my issues and these darn crying jags.

I struggle with disabling PTSD, Depression, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, COPD, Diabetes, and Sleep Apnea. I am a 53 year old man and people don't seem to know how to react when they see me crying like a baby.

I feel so foolish. I am moody and depressed and overwhelmed. I would appreciate any insights, suggestions etc and even just a cyber-hug would be so very welcome right now.

Thank you in advance,
Lionheart777

 

[redfoxtrot]

1. I cant get this 1 off my post....sorry i have sugar gliders running over my phone and mem they help my ptsd.
2. My dad has a lot of physical problems too that cause chronic daily pain and he too breaks down in some of the same circumstances (low on money, etc). You need to be gentle with yourself (I find this hard to do myself). I have migraines daily and muscle spasms from the ptsd or migraine and just like my father when it all happens at once it's just simple too much for our systems.

Crying is a way to relieve stress...youre overloaded your system is overloaded. For me...crying is a way to relieve tension and not crying results in either panic or aggressive thoughts. Also my migraines are not a strong ptsd trigger when they get especially bad...that could be making your depression worse too. When I get depressed from ptsd I liken it to entering a stormy weather pattern that seems very permanent sometimes but that I know will pass.

I forgot what else I was going to say.....sorry that's my ptsd too lol

:hugs: I feel for you. You can do this but DO allow yourself to cry and be vulnerable we ALL have those moments. We can't be 100%"happy all the time. Just like we can't be awake all the time. Hope I helped and didn't make it worse. I don't communicate ad well not with ptsd I'm trying!

 

[Fadeaway]

Sometimes you just can't hold it all in, a good cry can be every therapeutic. Sometimes you need several good cries or more to get it out.

I hear you on the insomnia. I take a handful of medications just for sleep and it often isn't enough. Insomnia is one of the banes of my existence. One of the benefits of a good crying spell is that sometimes it exhausts you enough to where your body shuts down. Not always though. Sadly I look forward to those times.

Because I often need to take more than is prescribed, starting tomorrow night I am going to be out of some of my medications and I am terrified, so I am really feeling for you. Being without medication you need to be ok and function is horrible, and being out because you couldn't pay is a crime in my opinion. No one should ever go without medication due to lack of funds.

Sadly, this society has weird views on men crying. The whole suck it up and be a man. It is stupid and causes more problems. My husband is a year older than you and in the 3 years I have known him and 1 1/2 year of marriage I have only seen him cry twice because of that stupid attitude, and I was so relived when he finally did cry because I could see that keeping it in and trying not to cry was causing more harm.

:hug: to you because you deserve them.

 

[Lionheart]

@redfoxtrot and @Fadeaway

Thank you so much!!! It is very kind of you both to be so understanding and helpful to me right now as I am so totally, ummm... overloaded as you stated.

My mother is in the final stages of severe COPD/emphysema, my sister also has PTSD and emphysema and needs a lung transplant, my brother lives out of town in an assisted living facility as he is permanently disabled with schizophrenia, my daughter suffers with PTSD and bipolar disorder, and my father passed away from lung cancer in 2012 (4 days before Christmas) and I have no other family.

I am out of medications as I said and I am working on healing from S.R.A. (satanic ritual abuse) as well as long term child abuse issues. and with all the other illnesses it is just too much for me right now.

Ya know, men were literally taught that it was not okay to cry...remember the song, that goes "I know a man ain't supposed to cry, but these tears I can't hold inside"??? So anyways, we are not geared to cry especially not in front of strangers.

I really needed your support and encouragement tonight and I can't thank you enough!!! The hugs are especially healing as well.

 

[Fadeaway]

That is an incredible amount to deal with, no wonder you are feeling overloaded. The health issues and loss alone are enough to overwhelm someone without emotional trauma.
I am glad we could help and here is another :hug: just because.

 

[redfoxtrot]

I know men that cry and I respect them more when they are able to let themselves be human and sensitive like everyone else. Glad I helped a bit. You really are overloaded allow yourself this time.

 

[StarChild]

Dearest Lion, I'm so sorry I couldn't write earlier. I sensed your inner fight and sadness, since yesterday (I read your diary entries) But I'm in a dark, desperate place as well. And thus I couldn't find the "right or good" words for you even in my native language...:(

even just a cyber-hug would be so very welcome right now.

Please, let me first give you a loooong, heartfelt hug. You even can put your head on my shoulder, if you need to. My dear very appreciated friend.:hug:

When my doctor asked me how I was doing today I flat out bawled like a baby!!! It seems even situation comedies can make me cry and I just need a place to vent my frustrations.

Lion, with your ability to "be in touch" even with the most saddest parts of your heart, and that you're able to cry, makes you more man than many men I knew. Crying, is kind of purifying for your psyche and your soul. Well, that's how it works for me. And I can tell you, I went for years and years without it! Because of sheer angst to fall apart, if I would start and let my wounded heart cry... :cry:

I'd like so much to give or say lots more encouraging things to you, but am limited in my ability to express my thoughts in the way I wanted to, right now. Just now, you're not alone. And I'd say, there's quite a bunch of people who appreciate and respect you, for who you are; Honest, candid, humble. Simply you. That's why you don't need to wear a mask here.

Hope you found some sleep in the meantime. Oh, and if you're okay with it, I'll light a healing candle for you. To lighten your dreams and send you some inner peace. You're not alone, Lion, no you're not.:tup::hug::tup:

 

[jd9900]

@Lionheart777 (cyber hug) :)

I know a lot of what you speak. I have very similar issues, and have very slowly over many years weened myself off of the meds. I still have my episodes, but I try to control them inwardly as opposed to relying on medicines. It's not a choice for everyone, and can have dangerous consequences - I am no doctor (tm). But for me, it took a ton of meditation, breathing exercises, and just...getting out of bed when I had no reason to.

When I feel those disorders coming upon me, I try to remind myself that so far I've been able to get this far. I can get out of bed. I can put on a robe. I can put one foot in front of the other and make it to the bathroom. I may have to wipe tears from my eyes for no good reason, but dammit, at least I am a functional mental case. :)

I haven't found therapy all that helpful for me, in my situation - and most medicines I have taken (other than Marijuana) have caused some pretty severe side effects for me, making the treatment at least as bad as the cure. Cymbalta (sp?) comes to mind. It gave me a very peaceful feeling, but I was really out of it. I almost lost my house because money had no value to me. It was like monopoly money. My therapist as well as empirical data tell me that my situation was not unique, it is actually fairly common.

Try to take a few moments just for you. When you're in the shower just close your eyes and think, "I'm here. ALL that crap I went through and I am STILL here, stronger even!" Think of all the lessons you've learned and how much wiser you are than many for that. Try to remember the good things about your disorders...PTSD, for example, heightens your awareness in ways few others can experience.

You've got this, like a champ. You absolutely do. I know running out of meds and having to go cold turkey is very painful, but it's just one more pain in the ass you'll get over like you always have.

Keep your chin up. It's worth it, you are worth it.

 

[Lionheart]

I'm in a dark, desperate place as well.

@SweetLullaby

What a dear, sweet soul you are to say such kind and healing things when you are going through a dark time yourself. I will accept your hug and if I may, rest my head on your shoulder, if only for a moment. I am not sure I can find the right words to express how much your reply means to me, but I will try.

I can't seem to stop crying, but right now I cry happy tears because I have such a good friend in you. You take the time to read my diary entries, and reply to me here even when you are feeling down. What more could a person possibly want than to be cared for by someone as generous and giving of themselves as you are?

I feel so much stronger having read your reply and honestly my heart just melted. Please light a healing candle for me if you will and know that while it burns that you have made a true and loyal friend. I am happy to call you my friend and when you are feeling that inner darkness please remember that you can call on me!!!!

:):tup::happy:,
Always,
Lion

 

[jd9900]

Thank you - those are very kind words. We're all in this together. You'd've thought one of us would have remembered to bring a ladder before we fell into this pit, but hey, at least we got each other. :)

 

[Lionheart]

You'd've thought one of us would have remembered to bring a ladder before we fell into this pit, but hey, at least we got each other. :)

@jd9900

A ladder, dang I knew I was forgetting something. :p hahahaha Thank you for kind reply, I am happy for you that you have come so far along your healing journey and thank you for taking the time to reply to me here. I will keep my chin up even as the tears fall.

Lionheart777

 

[marylouise]

You're very brave, Lionheart. I know so many men who will die with violence and despair in their hearts because they're too afraid to feel their vulnerability and sadness. This too shall pass.