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Cutting parental ties - just how


This is about my dad only not my mum...

My friend told me that I don't owe my dad anything and that the work here is for me to start slowly snipping away at the parental cords that binds us, as it's so unhealthy...

First, this never even occurred to me as an option. Second I absolutely DO feel a responsibility towards him in some way. Like I owe him something. And third, the level of guilt in trying to cut cords (having tried much much earlier in life - like 30 years ago) I know is like a tsunami....

yes, there was abuse in my childhood... but there have been moments in my adult life where he has looked outside himself and being there in some small way for me... but ultimately he is very ego- centric and for a large part of my life has made him to be the victim and me to be the perp

I just don't get how to cut cords or be in a place of being able to...

Maybe the first question is what would it achieve?

Anyone want to share their experience?
It's 4am (why my body decides this is a wonderful sleep schedule god knows, complex trauma, the gift that keeps on giving 🙄) so my brains a bit slow.
Maybe the first question is what would it achieve?

Maybe this bit.would be a good starting point in what achieving means?
but ultimately he is very ego- centric and for a large part of my life has made him to be the victim and me to be the perp

If you could click you fingers and the boundaries would magically be there, what would you want it to look like? You as in YOU, not your guilt/ shame/ obligation talking (yep, I know, not an easy task!)

As an adult, I've only been on the side of being cut out of the lives of my sibs, rather than doing the cutting. I was collateral damage rather than the cause. As a kid I was removed from my birth father age 9 but as that wasn't my choice I guess his victim mentality was aimed very much at the police/ social workers etc rather than his kids, which shielded me from alot if it.
With my folks, I wanted to maintain a small degree of a relationship with my mum for a variety of reasons. Which necessarily means staying civil with my dad - because he’s a huge part of her life.

It’s been surprisingly easy to back out. He expects me to diligently show up and give up a f*ck, so I stopped doing that.

I send him a text on his birthday and fathers day, for the sole purpose of avoiding conflict with my mum.

If she leaves the picture for any reason, I’ll simply stop doing that. If he reaches out, I’ll politely decline and clarify that my life is complete without him.

The way I behave with him is way more about my relationship with myself. A big part of my recovery has been learning healthy boundaries and communication, and learning how to do that in a functional way.

He doesn’t deserve that.

But I do.
Anyone want to share their experience?
My sister, who is now dying of Stage 4 brain cancer, cut me off because *she* thought I should cut our dad out of my life. She did, a very long time ago, and it didn't do her any good at all. Her psych issues got much worse over the years, and she alienated everyone in the family. She held onto her anger, and she'll likely die with it.

I opted not to cut him out of my life, even though there were times when I was younger that I wanted to kill him. I'm glad I maintained a relationship with him--albeit not a cozy one--because I've learned that he was miserable and sad and mostly alone. My brother and I were all he had. No matter how f*cked up he was and how much he f*cked us up, I felt bad for him.

My friend told me that I don't owe my dad anything and that the work here is for me to start slowly snipping away at the parental cords that binds us, as it's so unhealthy...
You need to decide for *yourself* if cutting him out of your life would be right for you.
I cut myself off from my family for several years when I was doing badly.

I slowly got back in touch first with individuals, then groups, then "everyone", more or less.

I WISH I could have done that this time around, but I was living a very different life. It still ...probably... would have been better for all involved if I'd done so. I chose not to, and regret it deeply. I hurt a lot of people I care about deeply, and totally unnecessarily.

So I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the difficulties you're facing, on the logistical side of things. As pulling back from a great family doesn't have the same hardships.

So! Where are you getting stuck?

Do you live with them?
Work with them?
Employ them?
Where are the pieces that are a problem?
I think with parents, unless we have done some internal work, that they are in our heads whether we are in contact with them or not.
So it's not about what they do or don't do, but how we have resolved these internal things.

Because there is nothing he can do to hurt you now. He's done the hurt. He has no power. It's now about what you want.

I feel no regrets about the state of my relationship with my parents. I know I tried. I know that the limitations that there are, are because they are not able to be different. With my dad dying: I kept asking myself: am I ok with what I have said and how I have behaved? And I have been.
With my mum, now I have blocked her bit I know I will unblock to phone her now and then, I feel fine about that. To everyone else: they clearly think it's callous of me to block my mother when she is grieving her husband. But: I know, deep inside, that this is right for me.

So, I say all that because it seems to me your worry is not necessarily about yourself, but about him and his feelings.
Which is what he wants it to be. And what he has programmed in for you.
But actually, you come first. And the fact he doesn't allow that, continues the abuse.

Put him, his needs, his demands, his unfairness, his abusive behaviour, aside.
I totally get the guilt feelings. Behaving differently and putting you first is going to make you feel guilty because it's new and because it's going against his wishes. But the more you do it, and realise he still survives and that the respite you feel helps you, then the easier it gets.

I haven't gone no contact. But I have gone contact on my terms only. And I feel remaining in some form of context with my mum is a huge huge act of kindness on my behalf. To myself and to her.
Others won't see it that way at all