Sufferer Cycles

[Morphius]

A bit about my trauma:

After years of hiding and repressing my past, it caught up to me. Now, everything I once knew is unrecognizable; the face I see in the mirror is a stranger. I was... abused. Drugged. Emotionally, physically and sexually--for a year. I once was a successful freelancer. Even though I'm in my twenties, I've been out of work for over a year now and it kills me. After being reluctant for so many years to try therapy, I've finally moved past that and found an amazing and supportive one.

I've been diagnosed with symptoms of a personality disorder (I split, have blackouts and become my abuser), PTSD and most recently, Bulimia.

What's worse is that I feel crazy. I feel at fault. I hate myself so much to the point of wishing to be brutally butchered. I see my abuser everywhere I go, talking to me, as if he were really here. Talking to me about taking control, when I should and shouldn't eat. He observes my therapy session in fear and wants to hurt me and has only once saved my life as I was trying to commit suicide, he hugged me and said he'd never leave me. I want a way out of loneliness. I go in cycles. Good, bad, worse. I just want that to end.

A bit about me:

I'm in love with writing, technology, psychology and Netflix.

A message to you all:

Thanks for reading!

 

[BlueOrange]

I'm really glad you found a therapist that's working for you. Really unhappy that you need one.

For the long term, it seems like it's a really good thing that you're conscious of the part of your mind that has made copy of your abuser, and that you have a sense of what it's doing. In the immediate term, I'm sure it hurts like hell, and I'm not happy that you're hurting.

Welcome to the forums.

 

[Nevermore]

Hi @Morphius and welcome.
I wasn't sure what you were talking about - were you in a very controlling relationship or was this an abduction kind of scenario?
I was in a very destructive relationship when I was young but my main prison was naievety. Just didn't understand much of what was going on, and when I did it was very hard to live with.
I don't know if that's what you mean, just wanted to say if that's what you're talking about, you're very much not alone.
Whatever the case is, I'm glad you found this site.
Feeling crazy is an awful feeling. Wishing you much healing

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome to the forum. :hug:

 

[Morphius]

Hi @Morphius and welcome.
I wasn't sure what you were talking about - were you in...

I'm really sorry to hear about the experience you've endured, that sounds like it's a lot to live with and heal from and I hope it's going well for you now. No, I wasn't in a controlling relationship. I was a kid when whatever happened, happened. It was supposed to be someone who cared for me and helped me out when I needed it. They were not related to me, though. It's hard to describe the place and position I'm in now, though; just feels lonely.

 

[Nevermore]

/-; that sounds horrible. It is lonely having experienced that not many understand. I'm glad you're here!