Cycling Through

[desiderata310]

The last few days have been a whirlwind of activity. Work has kept me busy with 18 hour days and miserably cruel, my brain won't let me rest when there is time. So I am here, close to the end of the week with only 6 hours total sleep in the last two days. My suicidal thinking is getting… alarming. At times, I find myself ready to go off and kill myself NOW and a few minutes later, I am ready to hang on by my fingernails for a while longer. I don't understand why.

Last night during the show I got to that place. I was at work just chatting and found myself wishing I could end it but hanging on by the fingernails. Today my blood sugar tanked, my appointment at the doctor's office was blown because of my HMO. I stopped to get my new glasses and couldn't wear them because I couldn't see and had to send them back and while my 'problem child' is quitting, I feel more hopeless than ever about work and I wanted to end it. I managed to pull through after eating but when I got home again today, I found myself thinking about my plan: send the kid off to M town, cancel my therapist, and go on "vacation" and allow myself time and space to finish the job.

About the time that I had figured out that I could make the plan work, J called from M'town. I broke down and answered and we chatted for a little while and while I feel better, I can feel those thoughts creeping back. There is no one I can tell here. I can't tell my therapist. I'm sick of being dependent on him and telling him Saturday? I will either be better or be gone by then. It feel disingenuous to tell him. Like I am looking for attention.

Truth is, I don't know why I feel like this. I'm cycling back and forth between almost ok and full out suicidal so much so fast, I can't even keep up with it. When I feel ok, I can feel the suicidal thoughts hanging directly over my shoulder and I know it's not far away. If I think just even a slightly negative thought it's there.

I'm stronger than this, I'm better than this but then again, I'm not. I've been thinking all day about sorting things out: closing my Facebook account, cleaning up some last minute details, sending my son off, and just finally, figuring out how to kill myself and not make a mess of it. It's not plans for next week or tomorrow that will stop this. I have to either stop feeling like this now or there won't be any number of plans for next week that will stop me from taking that next step.

For the moment, I'm ok. But then again, that feeling is creeping back and that giant is sitting on my chest again. And any minute, S is going to wind up emailing me again. I feel trapped and cornered.

I have to work tomorrow. I'm so f*cking tired.

 

[stilldancing]

Don't give up!!! You talk a lot about your blood sugar tanking, and no sleep, and that's enough to play games with anyone's head. You call your doctors office first thing tomorrow, and get another appt. Do you have a therapist you can talk to???

 

[desiderata310]

I spent all last month being suicidal. Finally stopped EMDR and it eased off and I felt better. I don't feel like calling him. Hell, I don't want to go to therapy on Saturday.

 

[stilldancing]

Go anyway! I'm not a doctor, but I really think you need to get checked out pronto!

Think of your son! He needs you! Get stronger for his sake. And yours! Because you're going to get better, you're going to pull through. For now, just take the day one day at a time. And try to get some sleep.

 

[franciemarnie]

High blood sugar can mean severe dehydration. I know when you are feeling suicidal you don't care about things like this, but when you are hydrated and get some rest, you will think more clearly and feel better.

You must put yourself number one now. You must force yourself to eat right, to drink four bottles of water a day. When you can't sleep well, you must rest somehow. Can you try pranic breathing and mindful meditation?

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Yes, I know PTSD isn't necessarily temporary, but you can heal. You are burned out it sounds to me. I wonder if your vision problems have anything to do with fatigue. When I had burn out and didn't sleep much for a year, I couldn't literally see well.

You must change the way you are doing things. The way you are living right now isn't working. Life can be wonderful, even with PTSD.

But if you are making plans to die, please call a hotline now. Safe hugs.

 

[desiderata310]

Pretty good at taking care of myself in the long days. Plenty of water yesterday and today. Eating well was top priority.

Prescription was for trifocals but it wasn't explained that the sides would be blurry so I couldn't wear them. I need to be able to see out of my periphery.

It's funny. I can't. Physically can't do anything tonight. So in reality, I can plan all I like the plan includes sending my kid to his dads house. All long term

Too tired to call anyone. Just Too damn tired. Drifted off to sleep twice and woke up with a start.

 

[Wolvescry]

It sounds like you can use some good sleep. It is so hard to carry that feeling with you, but understand it is a symptom. You are vulnerable to it in itself and the lack of sleep and busy days can make it harder to manage. When I get like that I constantly remind myself, its my illness not me, it will pass. It always passes, you just have to hold on and remind yourself you will get through it. I am sorry you have to deal with this, but your strength is an inspiration to the world. Be strong beautiful.

 

[LilBit]

Don't know the whole story, just skimming through in the wee hours. But vision problems are a sign of diabetes.

 

[desiderata310]

Insomnia is my constant companion