DAE Want to run away from therapy...

[bunnybuns]

Putting this all under a spoiler because I talk too much...

Spoiler

Need to run away from therapy...

- Feel like something really bad is going to happen to someone else because of me.
- I don't deserve help. Don't deserve to be happy and have a normal life.
- Nothing ever really happened to me, it's just me overreacting, nothing is real "abuse", so I shouldn't be rewarded with attention for whining.
- These are problems I should be able to solve by myself. I am just being lazy and need to try harder.
- I'm scared of overwhelming the therapist. Or maybe they will get too mad/disgusted/tired of me.
- I'm getting too attached and scared I won't be able to handle therapy ending one day and never being able to talk to them again. Besides, they don't like me anyway. The relationship is a lie that only exists in my mind.
- I can't handle sitting there any more knowing all the horrible things they know about me.
- By sharing all these horrible things about me, things I've done or am responsible for, I'm just providing a stranger with the means to destroy me.
- I can't show myself any more after behaving in so many childish ways: hiding my face and practically curling up, going mute and not answering even when they say my name, quitting and walking out then calling back crying, always shaking, accidentally talking like a kid, having a panic attack during session...
- I was more stable before counseling. I'm afraid I might have a breakdown now. Scared of myself.

But I also would really like help, even though I don't deserve it. I'm so tired of trying to live and falling apart. Because even if I should be able to do it myself, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I was never allowed to be weak and needy like this and not get in trouble for it.

Um, and I'm new here, idk if I am supposed to post somewhere else first, sorry if I am breaking rules... just let me know...

I'm not diagnosed with ptsd either, just "anxiety" I guess. My therapist said they just do the lightest diagnosis for the insurance. It's nice that they don't just slap people with labels I guess... But I was called "traumatized" and told that they saw ptsd symptoms in me, and I have had a lifetime of... experiences, I guess. I don't think I'm traumatized or have ptsd either, it's just... I've been reading a lot of this forum and things about C-PTSD, and I can really relate and find the content so helpful to what I struggle with or have experienced. So I hope it's ok if I am using this site???

 

[Dire Parsnip]

Don't run away from therapy. That run away feeling is from ptsd. Our lizard brain is sending alarm bells to the thinking brain, but your thinking brain needs to recognize who to grab onto. Therapist is a great place to start.
All the things you said you were worried your therapist would be bothered by that's fine. That's what they are there for. You're doing great. Just keep going back.

 

[Wendell_R]

Um, and I'm new here, idk if I am supposed to post somewhere else first, sorry if I am breaking rules... just let me know..

You are doing fine!

I think this is a great place to learn about yourself through others' experiences. You might want to talk to your therapist about what your responses are to what you read here.

 

[bunnybuns]

Thank you both for replying, @Wendell_R and @Dire Parsnip . I have a bad habit of thinking everyone hates me and no one was going to respond.?

Dire: Idk, even if they say in therapy you can say anything, there's still unwritten societal rules and personal boundaries... I'm just really struggling not having a set of rules listed out, I think. I'm not sure it's all "lizard brain", I've had a lot of experience opening up to people and then getting in trouble somehow from it. Either the person would confront my parents and I'd get punished, or I was just too much emotionally and then that person never spoke to me again.

Wendell: I feel really embarrassed though. I haven't had as bad of experiences as some folks, so it feels like I am minimizing someone else, to act like I can be "traumatized" from something so much smaller. Like I spoke with someone about something sexual that I really regret doing or just letting happen to me, and then they told me they were actually r*ped, as if that would make them relatable... And no, I just feel like a complete butt now. I have no right to whine about anything. So... not knowing what my T has personally been through, or what has happened to their clients, I just feel like a jerk to use this forum in therapy... Idk, maybe I shouldn't be posting either!

The worst thing is that T already mentioned they thought of me more often than other clients. Said I've "been through a lot" for my "young age" (not that young). Which means I am being manipulative and exaggerating (subconsciously lying), because nothing I have been through is that bad. I honestly thought they forgot I existed when I wasn't sitting in front of them.

We talked a little about lying in therapy about a week ago before they took a vacation, and they told me that the body can't lie, they can tell I am telling the truth because of my physical reactions... But like, maybe I am just stressing myself out from LYING so that's why I am shaking and crap, and they are being too kind and giving me too much benefit of the doubt.

OH and an even worse thing is, I had brought up C-PTSD to them, in writing (can't say it out loud). I specifically said I didn't have it, nothing I've been through qualifies, but I was just using it to compare to "symptoms" I have and how I felt I could relate to a lot of it. But then they were all validating like, said they could see it in me too... So I've been wracked with guilt for weeks.?

 

[DharmaGirl]

Everything in your spoiler happened to me in therapy. I think it's normal for these things to happen since we have to learn to trust someone we just met. Also you do feel worse before feeling better since you are addressing things that you wouldn't say to someone relatively new to you. It's ok. C-PTSD is PTSD with the definer Complex. You have to have PTSD to have it, and the label is only to provide the proper therapy so don't worry too much about that.

 

[Wendell_R]

I feel really embarrassed though. I haven't had as bad of experiences as some folks

This is really common, for many of us here! It's well documented that some things that seem "not so bad", like emotional neglect, can have devastating consequences. So is the difficulty trusting anybody, including therapists.

Regarding whether you should post, the nice thing about the forum is that you are never taking away from others' posts by putting up your own posts.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I wonder what would happen if you brought up PTSD and asked if you have it. I had to do it sort of like that. I said I didn't want to have it but I thought I did. My therapist said I did.

 

[mylunareclipse]

@bunnybuns I had to take a double take on your post as for a second I thought I had written the spoiler section and forgotten about it!
The body doesn’t lie, but take your time. No need to move faster than your body can.

 

[bunnybuns]

I think I might be figuring out what is really going on for me? Or part of it?

I am feeling overwhelmed and like I am spiraling out of control since starting therapy. I was so much more stable before. My T is really considerate and takes a really stand offish approach... like she doesn't set rules and is really patient and accepting... things that are good for working with trauma? Idk, having a hard time verbalizing. But the problem is, and I figured this out from reading a REALLY old thread here, is that I feel like I am all alone in therapy. Yes, I've been controlled my whole life and was never allowed any boundaries, so it's nice that I'm given room for whatever I think I need. But... I really really really need for someone else to be in control sometimes. I know one of the problems is that I am people pleasing. Not just because I'm a goody two shoes, but sometimes it felt like my very survival depended on "being good". And without structure in therapy... I feel like I'm drowning. I'm trying so hard to "be good" but no idea how to. It's like... sometimes I think I am just whining and have no problems, I'm an *sshole who doesn't deserve any help so I should quit. Other times, I think I might really need help, I am completely dysfunctional on a basic human level, and I just... I've never gone to anyone for help with any of this before, and I am so overwhelmed and confused. How am I supposed to lead anything in therapy when I fear I might have been dissociating my entire life away up until now? I can barely remember anything. I don't even know what I really think or feel! I need someone to take control for me, because I am about to crash. How can I verbalize things I don't even know?! I didn't even have a clue my childhood might have been abusive until recently, I thought it was all my fault because I was just born bad.

TLDR: I don't know if that makes any more sense... I feel like a small child that needs an adult to intuit their needs because I don't even know what I need, much less think or feel. Sorry for talking so much...

Regarding whether you should post, the nice thing about the forum is that you are never taking away from others' posts by putting up your own posts.

Thank you, I am just so worried about accidentally invalidating someone or hurting them somehow. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.<3

I wonder what would happen if you brought up PTSD and asked if you have it. I had to do it sort of like that. I said I didn't want to have it but I thought I did. My therapist said I did.

I kinda have before, but we didn't get into it much. I only said how I could relate to a lot of it, especially under the guise of C-PTSD, with not only the symptoms but the etiology as well. All she said was that she saw the symptoms in me, and didn't specify if it might be a possibility I have it. When I wrote the first post I was probably caught in a denying part of me that thinks none of my problems are real. But right now... all I know is that I am struggling. I think regardless of PTSD or not, I have had "adverse experiences" which have led to lifelong dysfunction to the point now that I don't think I have the confidence to get a regular job and I am stuck hiding in the house, and I have panic attacks when I try to interact with people. Along with a lot of other things.

I'm just too ashamed to ask her straight out about PTSD. I haven't had bad enough things happen to me to justify it. I'm stealing from people who really deserve the help. I think I've been caught in a constant emotional flashback every time I go to therapy. I don't think I was ever allowed to feel my emotions if they didn't fit with my parents' or ex's reality, so any time I try to voice them or psychological struggles I feel like something really bad is going to happen.

@bunnybuns I had to take a double take on your post as for a second I thought I had written the spoiler section and forgotten about it!
The body doesn’t lie, but take your time. No need to move faster than your body can.

Ha! I know that feeling.? And ty! I just wish someone had told me in the beginning. I'm a little bit upset my T didn't tell me to slow down when I started spewing everything out, especially through emails. I said a lot of things I might have only been ready for in part, because physically and psychologically I am not coping well. And I have mostly only bad coping skills. I'm struggling now to not drown under the weight of everything. Really hard to backpedal, and I can't put everything back into the box.? But to be fair, she probably didn't know. Maybe I'm better than I thought at hiding things.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I'm just too ashamed to ask her straight out about PTSD. I haven't had bad enough things happen to me to justify it. I'm stealing from people who really deserve the help.

This is so typical of PTSD. Any kind of PTSD. I kept saying to my therapist that it wasn't like the holocaust, he said it was my own holocaust. It is normal for someone to feel like you do going through therapy. Don't worry about fitting into a cookie cutter PTSD (I'm referring to both PTSD and Complex PTSD when I say PTSD) diagnosis, that's why your therapist went to school for so long. She knows how to put your symptoms into the proper diagnosis.

I also spewed out a lot in the beginning of therapy causing myself to retraumatize myself. Sorry about the sentence structure. I think therapists allow us to unburden ourselves in a way we see fit. Maybe you needed to spew stuff out. I know I did even though I hurt myself. I just wanted to get it out. Trauma therapy is hard. Very hard. The fact that you are going and emailing your T is helping even if it doesn't feel like it now. I can remember being where you are, and it was so hard I didn't think I would make it through alive. PTSD is NOT your fault. It's what happened to you. Shame is a big part of PTSD too. You can get through this, it may not seem like it now, but in a few years you will feel a lot better. I'm even to the point of leaving the house now.

I keep rereading your posts and seeing more things that I went through in therapy. I felt like I was 3 years old for the first 2 years of therapy. I also felt like I needed an adult to guide me. I felt that my traumas weren't enough for PTSD, that I was wasting his time, that he would be injured by my trauma, grow tired of me whining. I hope you can feel a bit better knowing many of us go through this. I'm so glad you found this site, it is one of the truly helpful sites.

 

[Wendell_R]

Thank you, I am just so worried about accidentally invalidating someone or hurting them somehow.

There are no trigger warnings on this site. That's intentional so we all learn to regulate ourselves. So as long as you are respectful in your posts, you don't need to worry!

 

[bunnybuns]

@Wendell_R : You're sweet, thank you.<3


@DharmaGirl : Actually, to go a bit off topic momentarily, I don't want to make another thread so soon and about something so similar... But since you brought up asking about the PTSD diagnosing thing, it's made me think of something else I have to force myself to address with my therapist on Friday that also buries me under a huge pile of guilt. I'm on state insurance and they changed the law so starting the end of this month I have to start reporting at least 80 hours of work. I don't think they'll allow me to be both self employed and receive government assistance, I forgot to ask though... Thing is, even though I am physically and intellectually fine, I have severe anxiety. I think I am technically agoraphobic, it's really hard to go anywhere by myself and I have panic attacks. Very strongly suspect I also have avoidant personality disorder, I seem to fit all 7 criteria and you only need 4 to be diagnosed... I am more like a human shaped bundle of nerves than a person.? So anyway, I think it would be really hard to get and keep an outside job atm. But because I'm not physically or intellectually disabled, it just seems SO WRONG to try filing a medical exemption and see if my therapist can help me... I'm really afraid like she's going to get mad and yell at me, and hate me, even though I know she won't... I'm still sick to my stomach at the thought of facing her.

I could just let the insurance drop. My T said they could get me in to see her at a very reduced rate and I think I could afford it at least once a week. However, I need some serious dental work done. And I have a strange lump in my back that scares me. I might need glasses. I should get myself checked out by a doctor to rule out any physical illness causing anxiety. And if talk therapy isn't enough to help, I would like to leave the possibility of medication on the board. Not to mention if I have some kind of emergency/accident, without insurance I am screwed. So even if I am ok otherwise, and my only problem is anxiety with a lack of confidence... is this enough to justify asking my T to help me look into an exemption instead of a job? I'm not trying to get some kind of disability or anything else, I could just really use the medical help to get me on my feet... And I can't just suddenly rush into the doctors and take care of stuff right now, I need more time to work through it with my T and make plans because I had panic attacks both the last times I tried to get medical help, and one of those was actually kinda retraumatizing I think...

I don't really know what I want to ask, I just could use some advice and reassurance.?

Let me know if I am writing too much... I have no one else to talk to other than my boyfriend and T, and their time is so limited.

Don't worry about fitting into a cookie cutter PTSD diagnosis, that's why your therapist went to school for so long. She knows how to put your symptoms into the proper diagnosis.

Thank you, I am just so scared of offending her I guess. I don't understand how someone wouldn't get angry with somebody else for having the nerve to question if they could have a diagnosis that really belongs to people who have suffered more. Like some of her other clients, undoubtedly. So by asking, I am just insulting everyone else. I don't understand how she wouldn't find it offensive.

Plus, twice now, she's specified to me that she usually only diagnoses the lightest version of whatever, so it would just be "anxiety" for me. To protect people's privacy from the nosy insurance workers, government, and stigma/issues to receiving future help, I suppose. But I just want answers and validation.

I also spewed out a lot in the beginning of therapy causing myself to retraumatize myself.

AH this is what happened then. I think I almost did retraumatize myself. I immediately started having extreme depression, became emotionally volatile or just easily triggered, anxiety got worse, discovered what emotional flashbacks were by getting consumed by them, and I was having night terrors and hypnopompic hallucinations.

I keep rereading your posts and seeing more things that I went through in therapy.

Just thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond! It's really nice to know I'm not alone, or totally crazy. I really hope I can get better. I really just thought everything was just personality flaws and my doing. I'm sorry you've had so many struggles too. And I'm glad you're doing better.?