Daily Reminders

[Sleeping Dragon]

I want to share some things that help me understand where I am in my forty-seven year journey back home. I'm not there yet, but get to visit more than before.

In a previous thread I quoted a warrior named Chief Joseph who reportedly said. "Hear me, my chiefs! I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands, I will fight no more forever". When I read that I see the difference between him and me. He was wise enough to know when the fight was over. I still am not.

At the end of a poem I wrote several years ago I said. "....Our nation turned its back as our blood was spilled as if we were somehow to blame for the losses, and that troubled me for many years. I, like so many, truly love this nation and what I thought it stood for.
I’ve put that disappointment behind me. Now I think only of you, the men I call my brothers, the ones who gave so much and received so little. I’ve always known that something good comes from everything; and this veteran’s only reward was having stood with men like you.....". I really don't do that yet. I wish I could.

Even at my age I still can't let go of the hate. I don't know why I hold onto it so tightly.

SD

 

[JarHed]

Hey SD

It's hard to let go of that which we've know for most of our lives. As with most things we'd all like to be able to change some things from our past. We only get the chance to learn from it but not change it. Perhaps that's the start of wisdom.

The things we experienced left us all with very strongly defined emotions in relation to that. Along with many, hate, is among the strongest. Anger and hate are part of the same thing, the same side of the coin; the opposite of which would probably be love and forgiveness.

Our journey is never ending. If we're lucky we learn a bit everyday. The goal is never reached but something to strive for. Becoming aware of the things you have learned, to me, is a step along that path. The path will always be difficult. It's hard to give up hate. Only you can find the way to do that. We all have to find that as well. I wish, as I wish for many here, that I could make that path easier or that there was something to say that would do that. The way is to find you're own path to peace. Don't give up the fight and I hope you find the way.

Semper Fi

Jar

 

[Sarg]

Damn, you hate hard and long, SD. I think even more than me. I'm tired. My hate has been worn off by years of struggling to keep looking down at the ground and not up. My hate has been heat annealed and polished to a chrome finish. I don't even want revenge any more, I want justice, which of course comes at a higher price and far more difficult, among a world of denial, to attain.

But getting past I the hate, I realized the only person I hurt was me. I wasted many years hurting me. I'm done. No more brick walls.

Trees. They're much softer and fun to hug. (The kids were right all the time).

Sarg

 

[preston falls]

sd

For what it is worth, let me tell you how my therapist helped me.

We went through six weeks of some prettty hard introspection about my feelings during and after my tour of Nam. In the end, we narrowed my problem down to three main things. I was afraid then and afterward that I would die from my injuries. I hated losing control over my life. And I hated my country's leaders for betraying those who fought for them--leaders all the way down from Nixon and LBJ to the congress and the generals and the officers we reported to.

I hated them all, with the full force of my being. I hated them from the time I was in Nam after Nixon made his Silent Majority speech, from the time that I had seen too many friends die, from the time that we were over run on Christmas Eve in the A Shau and I couldn't breathe and knew I was dying, from the time that I woke up in the hospital days later connected to a ventillator and knew if it stopped working that I would die--to the many times after that I'd wake up terrified that I was back in Nam or that my surgery had gone wrong and I was dying or that other naive soldiers would fall for the same shit I did--all those times I hated and was afraid.

After I was able to identify what it was that I hated and what I was afraid of, I began to heal. I was in my fifties then. I had lived a pretty long life. So it was pretty easy to see that Nam was not going to kill me. First problem solved.

I realized that not having control of my life was not so bad afterall. Who is in control? If we were, man, we would really scew things up. It is better not to have control.

Finally, the hate. I realized there are two kinds of bad leaders--the stupid ones and the evil ones. Hitler was evil. Nixon was evil. Chaney was evil. Bush was just plain stupid. There is no point in hating stupid people. They don't do evil on purpose, so there is no point in hating them. There is no point in hating evil people either. They are their own punishment. Any way you look at it, hate is just a f*cking waste of time. It does no good for anybody and only punishes you.

You can understand yourself intellectually. It's emotionally that you cannot. But once you try to identify your rational enemies the emotional ones begin to fade. The hate diminishes. You can begin to feel better.

I would love to help others like you and me, but I can't. But if you can find the right therapist, you can. You are a brother to many of us, man. We are all with you.

falls

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

Thank you!!!!!!!!!

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Even at my age I still can't let go of the hate. I don't know why I hold onto it so tightly.

Indeed SD, it has been a long haul for me as well. Yeah, the hate I know it well. Can’t say that I could describe it in words but it’s like pornography - you know it when you see it. It lay’s just beneath the surface at a slow simmer and BAM! In the end for me, all the alcohol in the great state of New Jersey could not quiet the beast. As we know first hand it feeds on our fears, whether imaginary or real, then it manifests itself somewhere either in self destruction and/or ciaos in the world of those we love.

Over a quarter century family ciaos, embarrassing incidents, ruined relationships, business disasters’ along with the damage done to my health before I put the plug in the jug. Hate breeds distrust, in my case, it took another twenty years to even approach the point where I was able gain the trust of friends and family. You can remove the fuse from the powder keg but it still carries the payload. Stayed away from all sources of ignition the best that I could and was not always successful.

For me I found it to be the fear thing, it took a lot of years to get my head around it. Many years of parochial school left me with a good basis for a spiritual solution which I still use today. Over time I came to understand that faith and fear can not exist at the same moment. Where hate rears it’s ugly head is when I’m confronted with a situation, either real or fancied, that removes me from my safe zone. It masqueraded for years as just outright anger of the “ready, shoot, aim” variety. That brought a whole lot of unwanted pain and suffering (physical and mental) to the situation. A great sage once told me that “a day will not pass that you do not get invited to the fights - the secret is, you don’t have to get in the ring”.

Hate, I don’t think deep down I hate anyone but I fear situations and those involved. When I react accordingly - that’s not pretty. My faith has brought me through the worst and allowed me to enjoy the best - sometimes.

Ba

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

Wow, I've nearly warn out my computer's mouse going up and down, re-reading these posts. It's that hard for me to wrap myself around all this. There's a ton of wisdom packed into you old farts.

"Anger and hate are part of the same thing, the same side of the coin; the opposite of which would probably be love and forgiveness." Damn it JarHed, do you mean in order to flip that coin I have to forgive????? The honest answer would be for me to admit that, yes, that's exactly what it means.

" I don't even want revenge any more, I want justice......" We're never going to find our justice are we Sarg? Does that mean we have to move on and let it go? Yes, I guess it does.

"They don't do evil on purpose, so there is no point in hating them. There is no point in hating evil people either. They are their own punishment......" You mean I can't get back at them for what I became in those killing fields? Does that mean there's nothing I can do about the stupidity that caused so much pain? Yes, that's what it means.

"Over time I came to understand that faith and fear can not exist at the same moment." Ba, For years I wondered how God and war could exist in the same world. You've driven home that fact that man makes war, God cleans up the mess.

Thank you for the insite my Brothers. I'm sure I'll re-read a few hundred more times. But, you've definately given me some things to work on.

SD

 

[Zipperhead]

It seems to be a re-occurring theme to blame our nation for not being what we thought it was. But in truth, if you look around you, the people we associate with represent the ideals we hold dear. If you watch the ditch looking for your society you will find the lowest forms. But if you watch the common man, you will find all those values you hold dear. America still exists. Canada still exists. The problem is we give voice to the lowest forms of man, and think they represent the majority. Reality is that those on the fringes yell the loudest. Instead of turning on the TV and wallowing in the depravity, go out to a community picnic. Watch the families enjoy each other. Go out to a parade and see the joy on the children's faces. Go out to a tail gate party and celebrate community. Perhaps the politics of today is not ideal. But the reality of today isn't ideal either. There are no obvious answers that will solve todays issues. But todays issues were created back in the 40s. It's a bit to late to blame the politicians of today for policies of their grandfathers.

 

[Shaun Stocks]

i agree with the amount of hate we feel ,towards our country for the shit we endure . but its not our country's fault our nation is still great . its the men in office the politicians i hold responsible for the state of us all . once we have served our usefulness the f*ck us off and cast us to one side . sorry if i sound a bit bitter but i am . i hope one day we all manage to see throu tho fuzz and shit and see the sun shine agin

 

[Sarg]

Bitterness came too easy to a lot of us Nam Vets. It's like we all had PhDs in Murphy's law. Crappy, screwed up war, crappy homecoming, at least in the deep south, we were heroin junkys, so we didn't get hired for precious few jobs that did open up. The beast was just a vehicle to disability payments for us "malingerers". Remember that word, SD? Used to go from 0 to 9.9 on a ten scale when I heard it.

So, now it's part of my therapy. Hence my move back to the piney wood. Tough to be pissed off all the time when you're surrounded by mountains and trees. Fight the bitterness. Oh, moving here bulldozed out a whole bunch, but when this creature has been with you, crammed down into every little crevasse for forty years, well......

So, fighting bitterness is a quest. Look for beauty. Listen for music. Love, and return love. I sound like a "hippy".

Don't waste your time on bitterness, you get nothing in return.

Sarg

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

I come back to this thread regularly, and re-read what you guys said time and again. It's really that hard for me to understand. The bitterness and hate truly cloud my perspective.

I've spent way more than enough time on how I feel about bad leadership. Writing about it let me see that I thought forgiving them and giving up the bitterness would some how let them off the hook. But, I'm finally beginning to understand that firgiveness really lets me off the hook.

It's not easy. I'm not the forgiving kind. Guess it's the Italian blood. But, it's beginning to work.

SD

 

[Sarg]

But, I'm finally beginning to understand that firgiveness really lets me off the hook.

Very well put, Sir!

Sarg