Dangerous Down Time

[Hope4future]

I seem to be ok as long as I stay busy with work, family, anything. The moment my mind isn't occupied, I struggle with suicidal ideation and self harm. I'm in therapy, but haven't been able to stop this cycle. It's stronger on some days than others, but it's always present. Does anyone else relate? Does anyone have any suggestions either for the moment or long term- how to shift the dynamic? Thanks for reading. This makes me feel so isolated and sometimes crazy.

 

[eav]

I've coped with bad feelings for years by staying ultra busy. I have the same problem, but no answers.

 

[scout86]

I can definitely relate. I don't know that I have any useful suggestions.

Therapy is a process, right? So maybe the answer is a bit further down the road. Have you discussed this with your therapist? I have (because he brought it up). He gave me some thoughts on where to look for answers (inside my own head, basically). I did get a little insight into the possible origin of some of the thoughts, but it's probably specific for my situation, not necessarily something you can generalize.

I know how it can eat at you, though. Being "busy" is kind of like taking a drug to distract yourself. Better than suicide, but probably not the ultimate answer. What does your therapist say?

 

[Hope4future]

Thanks for the support. My therapist reminds me that therapy is a process and that I'm doing the hard work and making good progress. I have to stay alive to get through to the other side.

I try to remember that the self harm impulse is a sign that strong feelings are coming up and it's time to deal with them. Always easier said and done.

I'm just feeling worn down by the constant struggle. Feeling tired tonight.

 

[scout86]

I can definitely relate to that! Sometimes it takes incredible effort to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going. I suppose, in a way, those bad feelings could be thought of as a "good" sign. It means you're coming close to the point where you learn something you need to know to move ahead in the process. Bad as it feels, perhaps it means you're close to something good.

Simple minded as it seems, one of the things I'm in the process of learning is that when I'm tired, it means I need to rest and I should go do that. Maybe you need to take the rest of the night off? Take care of yourself!

 

[Justpassintime]

I didn't go through too badly until I was constantly triggered by being exposed long term to a similar situation. I have found for that this works for me. It is important you understand this is not a "real" plan - but a method. I get like that and I'm like la la la outloud while my brain literally screams at me the minute I am still. I have found that by setting a date in the future (three months away) seems to satisfy my brain and it will stop. On a logical level, I know that I am not going to actually do this. I'm not sure what if any feelings/emotions I have during this process, mostly I am seriously irritated because I know "I" do not in fact want to do this. For some reason, in my version of through the looking glass, this works. I would pick a date at least three months away, and subsequently, 95% of the time I will forget I did that until well after that date. If between the time I pick the date and the date, I am triggered again and thrown into this, I will look at what is surrounding this date - for example holidays, birthdays, commitments I have made with others and use those reasons to cancel or postpone if need be for another three months.

I have yet to have a "perfect storm" of that date and trigger coinciding so it has worked well for me. I also have an annual contractual agreement with my primary support person that I must call them prior to hurting myself in anyway. They are also aware of this coping method.

I guess it's a godsend that I have developed so many coping methods but at the same time, it can make actually healing and what not way more difficult.

 

[franciemarnie]

I can relate. For me, rage was behind the suicidal feelings and compulsion to self destruct. I learned as a tiny tot to turn that rage inward. that's untenable long term so instant self annihilation appeared the right choice, but that was problematic for many reasons.

I found - and again speaking only for myself - that when I tapped into that tremendous energy and safely allowed it out with a speed bag and with other physical releases , I felt better and more in charge of what went on in my body-mind.

Tonight I watched a documentary about Diana Nyad who swam from Cuba to Florida non- stop. She was abused as a child. I imagined as I watched her train and her several attempts at this incredible feat that her rage against the powerlessness she felt as a child drove her across those miles of ocean against currents, storms, poisonous jelly fish, sharks, hypothermia, etc. She talks quite frankly about what happened to her once. I had to mute the sound and look away. Trigger material to hear the details. It gets me so mad I want to kill the perps. Literally.

I feel when we can harness and direct the tremendous energies inside, we can accomplish anything. But it's hard as hell to do and took me about 40 years to learn how. I didn't know I had PTSD then. Knowing has made all the difference.

 

[Justpassintime]

For what it's worth, and I don't know if it is worth much, of late, I am homicidal as opposed to suicidal (feeling wise). I honestly thought that that would feel better. It does not, it is simply rage without an outlet. I do consider progress in the that at least it's not towards myself anymore.

 

[Hope4future]

I agree that both urges come from intense feelings that have no other outlet ( or at least it feels like there is no other option for release). For me I don't think it's rage, but maybe it is. Sadness and grief seem to be at the core for me, along with a healthy dose of self-hatred and shame. I'm working on being able to feel and express emotions. I haven't cried once in 20 years of therapy, and not often outside of that.

Thank you all. It helps to not feel alone with this.

 

[Justpassintime]

You know I was "never" angry, or at least I never felt that way and even "years" into recovery, nope not a bit of anger. Apparently, I'm pretty darn angry. I think it takes time of peeling back those layers - especially the shame/guilt, self loathing, etc. That stuff is hard to get rid of. Logically I "knew" I "should" be angry, but yea, I never felt that way. All the steps in this process seem like they bring a whole new something something with them. Sometimes the new is awesome, sometimes it's wow, what the heck is that, and sometimes it doesn't always feel better. I for one am very glad you are here for the journey :D

 

[digger]

Does anyone else relate?

Totally!

 

[eav]

rage without an outlet

I hadn't thought about it this way, but it makes sense. I haven't told my therapist about suicidal thoughts--she constantly worries whether I'm stable, anyway, and I'm afraid to tell her about this. Guess I'll have to sometime.

The thoughts have been really bad this week, but I promised myself decades ago that I would never again have a failed suicide attempt--I was hospitalized for a long time (I don't remember how many weeks, I think it was March through May). The doctors and psychologists back then told my mom it was an "immature emotional response." They were so clueless. In reality, I was living with a man who was raping me at night and threatening and trying to kill me during the day. The doctors and counselors didn't even ask me about domestic violence. They just gave me more antidepressants and told me that I would be better if I found a religion.

My therapist knows about the attempt when I was a teenager, but I haven't told her that I still have these thoughts.