Dark Mood

[desiderata310]

It's been a busy stressful day of budget crap and meetings. Managed to go through in flying colors. Mostly.

Something snapped around 4 today. Went from pretty happy and pleased to miserable and completely non-social. Beating myself up for every little failing today.

Been talking back and forth via text over a few days ( responses that take a day or so to send/ receive) with my friend to whom I feel like I've been a huge imposition. I explained that I didn't want to be 'that' friend and his response: 'hugs' Hugs is his way of shutting a conversation down. f*ck him already. I don't want or need friends after all. Never been good at friendship.

My therapist appointment got cancelled. My therapist is sick. Wants me to call tonight to check in. I have no intention of calling.

Was going to go on a group ride. Don't f*cking care now.

Just want to curl up and be left alone.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Went from pretty happy and pleased to miserable and completely non-social. Beating myself up for every little failing today.

I had a similar experience of being fairly content and then suddenly the world was completely wrong. I, too, wanted to just curl up and be alone. I hate feeling miserable and I especially hate when it comes on without any warning.

 

[Hope4Now]

I'm sorry. It sucks. And when things snap like that, everyone and everything feels negative and invasive. I hope it will pass soon and shift into something different that feels more positive.

 

[Soli]

I think you did the right thing to post here so you can know that others care about you and hope that tomorrow is a better day. I don't think "normal" friends are equipped to cope with some of the things we suffer. I don't think a lot of therapists are equipped to cope with some of the things we suffer. I find it's often hard to find anyone to listen well. But I do think you've discovered one secret of getting through this: that moment when you want to just curl up and pull the blanket over your head is the same moment that it's good to reach out.

 

[In Exile]

Yeah, I'm down today as well. I'm tired. Sometimes it happens, I think.

How long do your depressions last? Mine used to for months and months at a time. Fortunately, it's less now.

 

[Go Hungry]

It looks like there's something going around it seems. I was fine during the early part of this morning.. Then one person looked at me wrong and the next thing I know I'm a shivering wreck. I nearly had to leave work early... and probably should have to be honest. But I took some meds and that helped me out alot. Then I got home and it came on again. I've been trying to convince myself to go to a the Y, but everytime I feel like I'm going to fly apart... I just can't get around the anxiety, until I promise myself we aren't going there and then I sleep for a while.

It's been a rough day all around I think..

:hug: [not my way of shutting down conversations =P]

 

[desiderata310]

@In Exile it never really goes away if I'm honest. I have good days, I can even have stretches of good days but the depression is always there.

I hate myself right now. I hate that my therapist knows I need to check in. I hate that when I texted him,saying that was all I was doing,(instead of talking to him)that he called me and when I declined the call he apologized for being out sick.

I hate that I don't have any friends and That I just managed to alienate the last one I had.

I hate that I've had almost a full week of great days and it's gone, just like that.

I hate that I almost f*cked up the budget meeting at work. It's all new and I don't ever seem to Know what's expected of me.

I'm terrified because I go back to court next week and I don't think I can do it. I'm afraid it's going to push me over the edge. I'm terrified of being like I was a couple of weeks ago and bring suicidal again. I'm afraid that it will hit me like it did before and take me unaware.

I'm ashamed that I've had flashbacks in therapy. That I've had them at allele.

I'm rambling.

 

[In Exile]

Therapy used to trigger me all the time. It would seem like the therapist was pointing a loaded shotgun at my chest. I used to have to tell the therapist to sit back in his chair because it seemed to dangerous when he would sit forward. I would lose the ability to speak. It was all I could do to not scream.

What are your good days like?

Do you have a new job? That's a lot of stress. I'm over teaching English in Taiwan because I f*cked up my career in business over in Japan.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@desiderata310 That is a long of things that you hate, but I am glad that you listed all of those out. Sometimes it helps me to just state what's bothering me and get it out. I have a ton of flashbacks in therapy, but although I don't like it and sometimes it is frustrating, I'd rather have them there than some other places, but that's just me. I hope you can find some peace and find your way through this rough patch. I am forcing myself through this rough patch, but I know that will come back to haunt me sooner or later.

 

[desiderata310]

@In Exile I moved across the country and started a new job last winter. I haven't been here all that long. I got my car over here in April, and I still don't have all my belongings here nor all of my kids.

My good days? My mind is quiet. I can think, concentrate on what needs to be done, no triggers, I am not thinking about the trial, the abuse, my abuser, etc. I usually wind up getting a good long ride or run in on those days because I can. I can laugh and chat unfettered with my son.

My bad days, my son knows something is up. I don't talk; I'm short tempered; quick to jump at the slightest noise; go of by myself to avoid his company; usually wind up medicating and going to bed early.

He saw a page on my computer opened to EMDR and asked me what it was (thinking it had something to do with laser eye surgery) and when I explained briefly, he said, "good!" I should do it because I need to do something.

Yes, astute but humiliating.

 

[In Exile]

How old is your son? Children pick up on things, and I think it's much, much better that they know. My mother tried to kill herself, and she would self mutilate, but would always pretend things were just fine. That was much worse.

Has it been very long since the abuse? You said that you needed to go to court. Is that part of it?

(Sorry for asking so many questions, you don't need to answer if you don't want to.)

 

[desiderata310]

He's almost 18.
It's been a couple of years since I left the relationship. I was finally dx back in January. Yes, court is all part of this.

Nope... no stress here....