Been in a long term healthy relationship for more than 3 years now. Had some progress with celexa and some antihistamine medication to treat depression and panic attacks. I take birth control. I got my job and health insurance back. I'm just fat.
I didn't realize I held myself at such a low value until my T asked me one session what makes me valuable. I couldn't say anything else but that I have a job and pay taxes. She didn't like that answer but what else does she want? My mother hates me because her second husband couldn't stop f*cking me from six on up. She tried to leave me at my grandparents house but her husband went and brought me back because he needed his human flesh light. She felt nothing when she signed the paperwork to let me drop out of school. My molester/groomer told me I'm valuable because of my beauty. I see other girls cherished by their mothers. My aunts love me, but naturally not as much as their own children. I am motherless. I don't have value. My mother doesn't value me, the one person, so why should I?
But now I'm fat. My bmi went from 18.6 to 22.6 and now I have nothing to offer the world. I used to be something nice to look at then I fell in love and started eating and now I can't lose the weight because I'm not used to starving anymore and I suspect my medication also plays a role in keeping me nice and plump.
These thoughts were relentless and wouldn't stop, wouldn't leave me alone. I had it! I was pissed off the rest of the day. My bf took it personally even tho I told him it had nothing to do with him. I skipped dinner and didn't put any sugar in my coffee. I hate that I'm hungry. Everything was fine and happy. We were getting the house ready to have family over for the holiday. We went and saw Xmas lights. We were about to go to Walmart but then boom! I hated the air I breathed. If I had the guts to off myself, I would.
I didn't realize I held myself at such a low value until my T asked me one session what makes me valuable. I couldn't say anything else but that I have a job and pay taxes. She didn't like that answer but what else does she want? My mother hates me because her second husband couldn't stop f*cking me from six on up. She tried to leave me at my grandparents house but her husband went and brought me back because he needed his human flesh light. She felt nothing when she signed the paperwork to let me drop out of school. My molester/groomer told me I'm valuable because of my beauty. I see other girls cherished by their mothers. My aunts love me, but naturally not as much as their own children. I am motherless. I don't have value. My mother doesn't value me, the one person, so why should I?
But now I'm fat. My bmi went from 18.6 to 22.6 and now I have nothing to offer the world. I used to be something nice to look at then I fell in love and started eating and now I can't lose the weight because I'm not used to starving anymore and I suspect my medication also plays a role in keeping me nice and plump.
These thoughts were relentless and wouldn't stop, wouldn't leave me alone. I had it! I was pissed off the rest of the day. My bf took it personally even tho I told him it had nothing to do with him. I skipped dinner and didn't put any sugar in my coffee. I hate that I'm hungry. Everything was fine and happy. We were getting the house ready to have family over for the holiday. We went and saw Xmas lights. We were about to go to Walmart but then boom! I hated the air I breathed. If I had the guts to off myself, I would.
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