Relationship Dating a person that has ptsd

[Mihai]

Hi guys! I have some update and a question. We are on a good track as it is now. We manage to communicate, spend time together, and I have found out some of her fears regarding us. She understood to trust me a bit and does not force to do anything just imagining that it would be my expectation. So that is fine.

Her mood changes are a bit better and I also understand the logic or absence of logic behind it. Now, as I don´t want to pressure her, and I stressed this out as many times as possible, I am giving her the lead. Which means: if I feel that she does not want to chat, I leave her alone, and she does not want to see me, I do not insist. Fine, she can feel control. But, this leaves me a bit confused. I am quite organised and planned and I like to plan my trips, my weekends, my days. Not to the extreme, but I do have a rather busy life and without planning it gets worse.

How flexible can I be? Should I be? Should I be available at any time? Should I try and change my plans for her? In a normal situation, I would not be very flexible. I would try and plan in advance, the two of us. I am sure we can get there, but in the next months I do not see it happening. Maybe next year. What is your advice?

Thank you!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Planning in advance blows up in your face a lot of the time. This was hard for me to get over too. I'm pretty organized, and my job requires planning down to the minute. With my sufferer though, we're always running late, canceling reservations, changing plans or scrapping them all together. It used to piss me off to no end before I "got it." It's flakey as hell, but it's not intentional or malicious on his part. It's not that he doesn't want to go, it's that he cannot.

Everything depends on his "PTSD Level" that day. Even things he is looking forward to can stress him out and make him sick. He may fret and fret over something the longer he has to worry about it. Sometimes we get places and the crowd or noise level is so high we have to leave. We're late because he has to psych himself up to get out the door. Sometimes traveling to the actual event is too stressful. It can be any number of things.

You'll have to learn to be flexible. Its not a bad habit of hers, it's the result of PTSD symptoms.

The advice I will give you is to not let her illness dictate whether YOU go to things you've planned. If we have an important event planned, and my vet bails on me, you best believe I'm going. Everyday dates are one thing, but things that are special to me are another. If I have my heart set on something, I am fine going with or without him. It doesn't hurt his feelings. He'd be more upset if I threw a fit, stayed home disappointed, or forced him to go. I think he appreciates the fact that he doesn't have to feel guilt for holding me back.

 

[Mihai]

Thanks @Sweetpea76. I am learning this the hard way. I can say anything about dating a ptsd but not that it's boring. After a couple of quiet days, and very nice dates, I got a cold shoulder that exploded in my face today: today, trough chat I received the news that we were never dating, that we had a non relationship and that it is over. Arguments: she needs to see with her work, she cant have both, she is not happy and she does not want a relationship.
Long chat about it finished with me giving up and saying ok. As you wish, we stay friends, as this is how we started and her saying that she does not want to talk with me about this, and we will eventually meet in social events where we have a common interest and that is it.
2 hrs later, message: do you want to go for a walk in the park? We went, we hugged, we kissed, we hold hands, and she cried. a lot. Not strong crying, but more just tears going down on her face like she cant cry or she is afraid to. We are fine at this moment. till when? who knows.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You were the calm in the storm.

 

[EveHarrington]

This yo-yo ride is pretty much how it's going to be. She's not stable enough to be in a relationship IMHO.

 

[illusionist]

I was just thinking exactly the same as @EveHarrington ......she is not in a place right now to be in a relationship..she needs to do a lot of work on herself before she is ready, IMHO.

 

[Mihai]

Thanks guys for your opinions. I am not sure I am ready to accept this. I do have another question. MOst of our serious conversations where I get dumped, are online. never face to face. face to face ... she is ok, or refuses to talk serious stuff. And I think this is a problem. Should I open this subject?

 

[Sweetpea76]

It's easier online. She doesn't have to look at you or speak to you. Plus it's easier to take the tone of text wrong, get offended, and start fights.

 

[LuckiLee]

Sorry you are struggling.

I would just be her friend right now keep the romantic relationship out of it. Or you will be pulled in all different directions.

She needs to address her trauma with a specialist. I can tell you really care about her and that is great. But nothing will change if she doesn't do the hard work.

In the meantime take care of yourself.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Mihai As @leehalf just wrote that you are struggling, you do have a tough decision regarding your future. Some of us enter into a relationship where we know our partner is suffering from PTSD and some of us are already in a relationship where something causes the PTSD to manifest itself. In my case, my wife's PTSD manifested itself after our marriage so, in my heart, my marriage vows are part of that decision. I often wonder if I knew before we married what I know now if I would have continued the relationship. That answer varies depending on where this roller coaster ride is at any given day. Over time, I've learned coping skills and that question and the struggle is becoming easier to manage...both for me and for us as a couple.

Your view towards a lot of thing, including yourself, will change. This is your struggle and a lot depends on your ability to compromise. It's a tough road but it is doable and can be very rewarding for the both of you. I'm glad you're here learning.
'Take care of you.

 

[Gadgie]

Quote.........."We're late because he has to psych himself up to get out the door"

I can relate to that, as up until a few months ago I was exactly the same!

Thankfully I'm over that now, but I must admit I still tend to get really nervous and edgy, if I have to attend official events, like my upcoming appeal to get my disability benefits back, after the were stopped back in May of this year.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Gadgie anything "official" sets him right over the edge too. Good luck with your appeal!