Relationship Dating Childhood Friend With Rape Ptsd, Advice Needed.

[mikeandthegiant]

I've been in a romantic relationship with a childhood friend who was raped three years ago. We've been together for about two months and everything has progressed rather quickly, but we're pretty chill with that.

I really need some advice on how to help her through a lot of her PTSD symptoms. She's been going about dealing with it on her own for three years and I don't want her to have to fight this on her own anymore. We both grew up in the United States but we've lived in Mongolia for the past 8-9 years. The therapists and psychiatrists here are mediocre at best and she's not comfortable with them at all. She says she's going to seek therapy once we're back in the United States this fall for college.

I contacted her rapist recently, and I had set up a meeting because I needed to see him and hear what he had to say for himself. Law enforcement in Mongolia is honestly horrible and he never faced any consequences and I wanted to show him how it felt to be helpless by beating him within an inch of his life. I felt so angry at him because my girlfriend told me how helpless she felt hoping that somebody, anybody would hear her cries for help and come. No one did and she has to live with the aftereffects of what she's gone through every single day now. I'd known her since fourth grade and knowing that I could have stopped what was happening if I'd just stayed with her that day infuriates me to no end.

I told her that I'd arranged to see her rapist when I was with her last night but she was livid and began to have flashbacks again and broke down after I told her why I wanted to see him. I canceled the meeting and promised her I would never contact him ever again.

So far she's had flashbacks, a variety of different panic attacks, dissociation at random times and at some moments crippling fear. When she has panic attacks it sometimes helps to tell her a story to try and distract her, but only sometimes. At other times she seems completely fine on the outside but she says that's just her body is on autopilot and that the panic is still there. She tells me that when she's not thinking about something else or focused on something else the "incident" (the rape) comes back into her mind like pop-up ads. She tells me that the dissociation feels like she's not real, that everything around her isn't real and that it's like either she or the world around her is in slow motion.

As I write this I'm at home and she's at school for a project. She's having the dissociation problem right now as we speak and I'm trying my best to help over text but I don't know how much it's helping and whether it's even helping or not. I genuinely need some advice on how to help her. I've been reading a ton about PTSD and rape trauma and how to help victims of rape but I just can't seem to apply some of what I read.

Can someone please give me some insight on how to help her with these symptoms effectively? I'm trying my best but it doesn't feel like I'm helping enough. Every time she's going through this or every time I remember the "incident" it feels like there's this huge pit in my chest, and that my lungs are collapsing on themselves. It's problematic how we're both senior students and we go to different schools at the moment. I can't be there to help her in person and can only talk to her over phone or over text. If this is how it feels for me, somebody who knows what happened, I can't even imagine how it feels for her every living moment.

 

[Fox]

Hey wow honey that's so much to carry. But I also get what your gf is going through. She needs professional support ASAP. I hear what you're saying about the quality of therapists but what about setting up therapy online through Skype with someone who's back home in the states? Somewhere close to where you'll be going? That way sessions may be able to continue in person when she gets back.
I believe that sort of thing is costly though but so worth it. She sounds like she's in a really bad way, have you considered her going to the states sooner?

As for what you can do... there's only so much you can do as her partner. She really does need to seek medical help. You can listen. They say the greatest way to love someone to truly listen to them. With all your being. I know it's going to be hard but try to process your own anger. Have you got anyone to talk to locally. Your anger may be to much for her. It's good you didn't meet her rapist and respected her wishes.

Also just hold her. She can't control what's going on but if you hold her when she needs it I imagine that would be nice. I didn't have that kind of support. If I can think of anything else I'll post again. I've only got my own experience to go off and what I would have liked.

Sex with you may trigger her directly and indirectly and any pressure from you in that department can't be happening. Once again just listen to her needs. Try to learn to read her body. You know when she really really really wants you yeah? Only have sex then. If you sense the slighted inkling she's not into it, just stop.

Know that life can and will improve for her and you. You're awesome for sticking by her.

 

[Fox]

I've been in a romantic relationship with a childhood friend who was raped three years ago. We'...

By the way I think you're doing a great job of looking after her hopefully some other people weigh in soon with some ideas and thoughts.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You can't help her with her symptoms, you cant fix anything, and you can't rescue her.

You have zero control.

You're just along for the ride.

That is the first lesson that all supporters need to learn.

 

[Snowflakes]

@mikeandthegiant The advice that @Sweetpea76 just gave you is very important. I truly wish I was given that advice 10 years ago when I got on my "ride"

I'm glad to hear she will be going to therapy. At some point, if you two intend to be together long term, you may need therapy yourself. Not because you have a mental issue but rather to help you cope. That's another piece of advice I wish I received 10 years ago.

Read all our stories and keep asking your questions. This forum provides me comfort because being here means I'm not alone. Since you truly do not have the power to fix her nor rescue her, you may feel alone at times.

Take care of you.

 

[Abigail7]

I agree and also disagree with the notion that there is nothing you can do to help with symptoms.

For a lot of symptoms, there is probably not much you can do directly to help.

However, there are things that you can do to facilitate a healthy and stable environment which will then indirectly help with healing.

I know that for me personally, I do better in an environment where things are quiet. Loud noise can set off my symptoms and too much noise for a long period of time will make things much worse for me all around.

Stability is also very important. My life has been flipped turned upside down over the last few months with no warning and zero communication. I made a serious attempt less than a month ago. I know that i was the one who made the choice to attempt, but in retrospect if I had been communicated with about these major life changes (in the least), I wouldn't have had such major symptom spikes. (Before now, I was self harm free for 3+ years.) I urge you to help maintain a stable environment for your PTSD person. Change is inevitable, and can't be avoided, so please communicate with them instead of hiding everything away. I can't deal with life if I'm not told the truth, and when I don't know the truth my mind fills in the blanks in the most negative way.

I think it's also important to give your PTSD person space when needed. Space helps me rejuvenate. I'm taking space right now as we speak. Space now means I can function and interact later. No space means the anxiousness builds up and comes out in bad ways later.

You can't do much to stop the nightmares or the flashbacks, the triggers and so forth, but you can help with maintaining an environment for healing. It's not about changing yourself and everything that you need, but sometimes minor changes can make a huge difference.

 

[Sweetpea76]

While it is a nice thought that you can help your sufferer by controlling the environment, it's not possible.

You can turn yourself inside out for them... they still have PTSD. They would still get triggered and stressed if they were in a sensory deprivation chamber.

You can't fix symptoms. You can't help symptoms. Symptoms are in their heads, and unless you can crawl in there, you can't do anything about symptoms.

You can try and reduce stress in their lives. You can learn to be calm and stress free. You can be a rock for them. These are all great ways to support them... but as far as helping their symptoms, nobody can do anything about that but them.

Don't buy into the line that you are or are not responsible for anything that is going on in their head.

 

[Abigail7]

I think I have been misunderstood. I was merely giving suggestions that would help. Every person with PTSD has things that would help them. I think that if you are someone with a partner who has PTSD and you are to the point of telling everyone there is nothing you can do to help them, it's time to take a very long breather and or get out of the relationship completely. I know I wouldn't have healed as much as I have if my loved ones didn't support me in creating a healthy and stable environment around me. Maybe I am not as severe as others who have PTSD (but still severe in my own right). But just as those with physical limitations may need certain physical characteristics in their environments in order to stay as healthy as possible, we do too. Please don't dismiss my opinion as being unimportant. I respect that others have different experiences, and this happens to be mine. Maybe my experience can help someone else, and maybe not.

 

[Sweetpea76]

On the contrary... I have been with my PTSD partner for years, and I understand how the disorder works.

The person responsible for the management of symptoms is the sufferer, not the supporter. As a supporter, you cannot make yourself responsible for your partner's mental illness. You cannot feel guilt or take on the burden. That is crazymaking.

Do you know how many supporters come on here devastated because their sufferers are blaming them for their reactivity? Do you know the guilt that causes?

We are supporters. We can support. We are not therapists or healers. We cannot improve or take away symptoms.

And not everybody with PTSD has things that will help them. That's the reality of the situation.

 

[Snowflakes]

I do not intend to debate anything, quite frankly I am too tired. But I do want to say this.....to share my experience after 10 years of caring for my sufferer. I wish to high heaven that @Sweetpea76 talked to me 10 years ago. I came here only a few months ago out of desperation. I thought I was doing the right things by supporting my wife. However, my idea of supporting was trying to help her with her issues. I honestly believed I was doing what a good husband and supporter was suppose to do. Today, I'm tired and worn out. I've run through every emotion of guilt, anger, frustration, resentment, worrying.....and emotions I'm to tired to remember.

I did not put on my oxygen mask first. I did not set boundaries. I did not take care of me first. I tried to help her with her illness.

I am one of those statistics that @Sweetpea76 refers to that came her devestated. I remain here to share my story so others may not have to walk the road I have walked.

 

[joeylittle]

Every person with PTSD has things that would help them.

Possibly.

But not every person with PTSD knows what will help them at any given time. It's often a struggle to figure out what would help...and the sufferer's lack of therapeutic support and tools can create situations where they have no idea what would help.

I'm not invalidating your experience. And it sounds like you had a support system.

OP: do a lot of reading - the site will help.

Beating the guy might feel good to you, and horrible for her. Don't make that part of this about you.

Don't withhold intimacy or start treating her like she's breakable. But do make it possible for her to talk, about how she's experiencing moments of closeness. Leave space, and validate.

What's the plan for getting to a country with better mental health services?