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DDNOS DDNOS - trying to understand parts. Finding this difficult.

beaneeboo

MyPTSD Pro
I got diagnosed with DDNOS about 7 years ago. Took it with a pinch of salt. Carried on with my life feeling i didn't really need to accept or work on the diagnosis. Plus I couldn't have anyway as there was no one (including therapists) to help me with this.

7 years later, been dawning on me that I've been living 2 different lives and I'm reaching breaking point being able to manage all the juggling. I've never felt better than when I'm juggling so many things to keep many parts of myself happy. But, as a whole system, I can't go on functioning like this. Not least because I've half of my life is in secret and very at odds with the other half's morals and way of life. Massive disparity.

Went to therapy beginning of Jan for one thing. Session 2 - boom - 2 parts came out and shocked the hell out of me. Thought I was going crazy. One I've named 3. 3's job is to intimidate me, make me feel fear, tell me I'm bad, evil and a liar. The second part is Sarah. She doesn't say anything but is pretty much constantly upset and hurt. Scared of 3.

Recently, I've had what I *think* may be me noticing other parts of myself. But I'm not sure. I'm not sure if I'm recognising old feelings / states or whether these are parts. (Or maybe its all the same thing and just how I choose to identify what I'm experiencing and how I label them?).

One part i actually named Pru because as I was becoming aware of this part this name came up strongly. So I felt that this was definite. Ironically I don't like the name Pru. (God i feel crazy saying all this). Pru basically holds somatic sensations of fear and paranoia and the narrative that something bad is going to happen AND that I myself am bad.

Then I recognised 2 other states which I have no name for. But again, are these parts or emotional flashbacks? One is where I'm just feeling like I am bad. This may be deep shame. But the feeling and narrative is all one - I'm bad and shameful. The second state is where I experiencing feeling like I'm dying. Can't tell you what that's like unless I'm in that state. But it's very tangible and real.

All these latter states/ parts have been around since I can remember and I feel them more as parts of myself.

Where as 3 I feel operates independently. 3 isn't there all the time and pops up with triggering conversation. But the things I get told by 3 gives me a visceral reaction - 3 somehow feels different to the other parts of me. Doesn't feel like me.

I'm just really confused about how to go about understanding all this. I feel i want clarity of what I'm dealing with. I want to organise and classify but it's very messy. I feel like I make alot up. Clear as mud?!?

Thanks for listening
 
Hi Beaneeboo. There are some threads here on Structural Dissociation. Fascinating topic. It really helped me see what was going on with me. I wasn't classic DID but was definitely split in ways that weren't 'classic'. One thing I found helped a lot was working with emotion wheels. I am no therapist, and really I don't know shit, but for me I recognized that many of these parts (I never did name them), were emotions that were stunted. Emotions I had to shut down or were too overwhelming for me at the age I was when I was forced to process them. I think JL's idea is great - check out the Structural Dissociation posts and see if it resonates with you.
 
Hi Beaneeboo. There are some threads here on Structural Dissociation. Fascinating topic. It really helped me see what was going on with me. I wasn't classic DID but was definitely split in ways that weren't 'classic'. One thing I found helped a lot was working with emotion wheels. I am no therapist, and really I don't know shit, but for me I recognized that many of these parts (I never did name them), were emotions that were stunted. Emotions I had to shut down or were too overwhelming for me at the age I was when I was forced to process them. I think JL's idea is great - check out the Structural Dissociation posts and see if it resonates with you.
Thank you @shimmerz ... can I askif you know if there is a specific structural dissociation area of the forum? Or do I just search generally for structural dissociation? Sorry to ask -i find using the site hard apart from the basics .I have dyslexia.
 
lol. Yes, it is a long one. It was fascinating writing that thread. I had just learned about Structural Dissociation and it fit so well. Take it easy on yourself. Nice meeting you @beaneeboo
 
I'm just really confused about how to go about understanding all this. I feel i want clarity of what I'm dealing with. I want to organise and classify but it's very messy. I feel like I make alot up. Clear as mud

Your post resonates with me, and especially these words.
I have no dissociation diagnosis. Have seen three different therapists, but none of them knew of how to deal with what I brought to therapy (mainly a terrified non-verbal young part). Am currently hoping to find a therapist who can help, as everyday life has become difficult.
I want to untangle and label and understand. At the same time I recognise that was has helped me the most, when dealing with this on my own, has been to 'hold space', to observe without judgement or questions. It has helped me to get a better feeling of who and what our inner world consists of. But most of the time - 'clear as mud'. And I try to be okay with that.
Hope you find a way to towards what's helpful to you. I am currently re-reading the structural dissociation thread - had forgotten all about it, so I thank you for starting this tread.
 
But most of the time - 'clear as mud'. And I try to be okay with that.
I think this is a good place to get to...we tend to think there's this holy grail place to get to with healing, 'integrating ', knowing etc... but in reality it's a process of accepting the fragmentation... and as I've been learning through Janine Fisher, getting to place where there isn't conflict between the parts...as opposed to trying to just integrate into 'one'
Hope you find a way to towards what's helpful to you. I am currently re-reading the structural dissociation thread - had forgotten all about it, so I thank you for starting this tread.
Thanks @knuckles ... wish you all the best with it too...

I thought you may appreciate watching this... it's helped immensely... it's not as long as an hour - the actual presentation bit is only about 35 mins long... and she explains everything in simple terms ... very easy to understand ... lots of bells rang for me ...

 
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