I got diagnosed with DDNOS about 7 years ago. Took it with a pinch of salt. Carried on with my life feeling i didn't really need to accept or work on the diagnosis. Plus I couldn't have anyway as there was no one (including therapists) to help me with this.
7 years later, been dawning on me that I've been living 2 different lives and I'm reaching breaking point being able to manage all the juggling. I've never felt better than when I'm juggling so many things to keep many parts of myself happy. But, as a whole system, I can't go on functioning like this. Not least because I've half of my life is in secret and very at odds with the other half's morals and way of life. Massive disparity.
Went to therapy beginning of Jan for one thing. Session 2 - boom - 2 parts came out and shocked the hell out of me. Thought I was going crazy. One I've named 3. 3's job is to intimidate me, make me feel fear, tell me I'm bad, evil and a liar. The second part is Sarah. She doesn't say anything but is pretty much constantly upset and hurt. Scared of 3.
Recently, I've had what I *think* may be me noticing other parts of myself. But I'm not sure. I'm not sure if I'm recognising old feelings / states or whether these are parts. (Or maybe its all the same thing and just how I choose to identify what I'm experiencing and how I label them?).
One part i actually named Pru because as I was becoming aware of this part this name came up strongly. So I felt that this was definite. Ironically I don't like the name Pru. (God i feel crazy saying all this). Pru basically holds somatic sensations of fear and paranoia and the narrative that something bad is going to happen AND that I myself am bad.
Then I recognised 2 other states which I have no name for. But again, are these parts or emotional flashbacks? One is where I'm just feeling like I am bad. This may be deep shame. But the feeling and narrative is all one - I'm bad and shameful. The second state is where I experiencing feeling like I'm dying. Can't tell you what that's like unless I'm in that state. But it's very tangible and real.
All these latter states/ parts have been around since I can remember and I feel them more as parts of myself.
Where as 3 I feel operates independently. 3 isn't there all the time and pops up with triggering conversation. But the things I get told by 3 gives me a visceral reaction - 3 somehow feels different to the other parts of me. Doesn't feel like me.
I'm just really confused about how to go about understanding all this. I feel i want clarity of what I'm dealing with. I want to organise and classify but it's very messy. I feel like I make alot up. Clear as mud?!?
Thanks for listening
7 years later, been dawning on me that I've been living 2 different lives and I'm reaching breaking point being able to manage all the juggling. I've never felt better than when I'm juggling so many things to keep many parts of myself happy. But, as a whole system, I can't go on functioning like this. Not least because I've half of my life is in secret and very at odds with the other half's morals and way of life. Massive disparity.
Went to therapy beginning of Jan for one thing. Session 2 - boom - 2 parts came out and shocked the hell out of me. Thought I was going crazy. One I've named 3. 3's job is to intimidate me, make me feel fear, tell me I'm bad, evil and a liar. The second part is Sarah. She doesn't say anything but is pretty much constantly upset and hurt. Scared of 3.
Recently, I've had what I *think* may be me noticing other parts of myself. But I'm not sure. I'm not sure if I'm recognising old feelings / states or whether these are parts. (Or maybe its all the same thing and just how I choose to identify what I'm experiencing and how I label them?).
One part i actually named Pru because as I was becoming aware of this part this name came up strongly. So I felt that this was definite. Ironically I don't like the name Pru. (God i feel crazy saying all this). Pru basically holds somatic sensations of fear and paranoia and the narrative that something bad is going to happen AND that I myself am bad.
Then I recognised 2 other states which I have no name for. But again, are these parts or emotional flashbacks? One is where I'm just feeling like I am bad. This may be deep shame. But the feeling and narrative is all one - I'm bad and shameful. The second state is where I experiencing feeling like I'm dying. Can't tell you what that's like unless I'm in that state. But it's very tangible and real.
All these latter states/ parts have been around since I can remember and I feel them more as parts of myself.
Where as 3 I feel operates independently. 3 isn't there all the time and pops up with triggering conversation. But the things I get told by 3 gives me a visceral reaction - 3 somehow feels different to the other parts of me. Doesn't feel like me.
I'm just really confused about how to go about understanding all this. I feel i want clarity of what I'm dealing with. I want to organise and classify but it's very messy. I feel like I make alot up. Clear as mud?!?
Thanks for listening