DID Dealing with a dead alter

[DissociattedSoup]

A couple of months ago, I went away for a week or so. I do not really know the reason why but when I returned we had another alter join us. He is a young man of about 25 and I know his name. However he is quite abusive to me and keeps telling me he is dead. He obviously is not dead, as he is alive and kicking inside our head.
I have looked through this forum and seen a couple of postings about alters who die, but not anything about ones who clearly are not but keep saying they are? The worry is that since his appearance, marks (cuts and bruises) have appeared on our body and I have no idea where they have originated from. I know he has taken control once or twice for a very short period of time, but I am worried that he means harm to us.
I have tried talking to him, but as I said he just is abusive to me. My other main alter, PJ, has not seen or felt him and feels like I am making this all up?
I really could do with knowing how I can deal with him, if anyone has come across this before.
We are scheduled for our first trauma therapy session on Wednesday (tommorow) and I so far have not put anything about him in our notes, as I seem to be the only one dealing with this?
Any advice??

Sarah xx

 

[whiteraven]

Hi @Soupsarah - maybe it's that he *feels* dead? I understand about abusive alters/insiders. I have at least 2 and it took a long time to change the behavior of the one. My then-therapist suggested I ask her what she needed and give her time and attention. He also thought she was likely a protector, so I thanked her on a regular basis for watching over me and eventually, she stopped.

All that is to say that it's important for you and your therapist to talk to him and try to learn what motivates him and why he thinks he's dead. Communication with those inside is sooo important and something we sometimes forget to do.

Btw...welcome!

 

[Sideways]

Very natural type of alter to have I reckon. There’s a whole tonne of incredibly powerful emotions tied up with different alters, and they’re not just shiny positive ones. Some of our alters have had the job of keeping us safe from the most difficult emotions to deal with. Sounds like this guy might be holding some of your more distressing emotions for you.

One of the ways that some alters keep themselves seperate from your conscious self? Is to make themselves scary. If they’re too scary for you to confront? You’re more likely to leave them alone. Alters that hold some of our most distressing memories will oftentimes disguise themselves as “monsters”, the devil, or (in this case) dead. Instinct will keep you and your conscious self well clear of stuff that’s super scary, which keeps you clear of whatever it is they remember, or the emotions they hold for you.

If that’s the case? He’s still potentially pretty scary, but there’s room for us to be grateful to these alters for the work they’ve done helping us cope. That gratitude makes some space for us to welcome them into the fold as it were.

It doesn’t seem like a coincidence to me that you’ve become aware of this alter right before you start work with a trauma therapist. That work is potentially going to involve dealing with a lot of the emotions that this alter has been protecting you from. It’s really important to involve these alters in your therapy process, or you risk this alter doing what he’s always done - ie. “protect” you from these emotions and therapy itself. That often plays out as resistance, dissociating during therapy, or SHing behaviours.

In my early days? My scary alter flat out sabotaged my therapy, in very obvious ways (like threatening my T), and made life pretty terrifying and dangerous for me. Working with a T that embraced this alter? Was what helped me finally move forward productively with my therapy.

Knowing this alter is there before you start therapy? Means that you and your therapist can deal with this alter directly, and find a way forward that involves this alter helping you through the process, rather than trying to “protect” you from your healing.

...if that makes sense!?

 

[DissociattedSoup]

@whiteraven - Thanks so much for your insight. You are probably right, we need to talk to him; at the moment though I do not think he wants to interact with anyone. Every attempt I have had to "approach" him has resulted in him swearing and snarling at me or just plain ignoring me. It reminds me of a dog with an injured paw, it wont let anyone come close - if you know what I mean?

@Sideways - It makes perfect sense, thank you. The "coincidence" you mention is something I had not considered. We have waited a long time to see someone about our trauma, and as I said, It makes perfect sense when pointed out like that. My "other" PJ has written all the notes for the therapist and left out everything about the others in here with us. He talked about me, but nothing about anybody else. I think I will add onto those notes a little description about our "system". I doubt I will be around during therapy, so just hope it prompts PJ to read it out?

You are also right in that he is scary. He terrifies me and I am really suspicious of his motives? I am just amazed that PJ has not felt him in anyway? Our little 3 year old (SP) attacked me a few months back, he has been the source of nearly all our "visions" of trauma so far, but he does not scare me, I know that attack was just out of him being really scared. But, Peter (the dead alter) is menacing.

Thanks both
Sarah xx

 

[Ronin]

I would apply the same advice I have toward delusions otherwhere (never argue with one) ... instead try to limit that someones reach to your body and the chance to harm you, and their abusiveness toward you within, as no one gets to do that, dead or not.

And I would work on that fear, because being ultimately terrified of yourself (or: your thoughts) can be quite paralyzing.

I would also consider if that persuasion of deadness may be related to fears of being killed by outside abusers, or their attempts, taken as a point of factually happening. (Or if you HAVE died during your trauma and were brought back, someone who was around then.) But still: that all will wait. Not being self harming, and not bringing you whole down, first.

 

[DissociattedSoup]

Thanks for that.
We did tell our therapist about Peter, and explained that we were scared of him. Her advice was in the short term to limit his exposure to anything he may get his hands on to hurt us with, So we need to lock all the knives and tablets in the house away; she said not so they are totally unaccessible, just to put another step or two between someone wanting an object to hurt us and actually being able to have that object. Easier said than done though!