General Dealing With Combat Ptsd And Tbi

[ladare]

Hi everyone....
I am brand new to this forum--the reason I am here is in an attempt to understand PTSD more and how to adapt to my husband's behaviors. My husband is fresh out of the army (infantry). He has been on two deployments. One to Iraq and one to Afghanistan, and has recently been diagnosed with both PTSD and TBI by the VA.

When we first met, things we blissful! We never fought and got along great. He was deployed to Afghanistan and things were different when he returned. These changes were more noticeable after he was honorably discharged and we moved to a new city. I never imagined what a huge transition this would be for him! He is now in school and things feel tougher each day.

He shuts off 100% of the time when we have issues and I want to address them. He also gets very heated and emotional about things quickly (ex. driving mistakes, miscommunication between us). He hates being touched-cuddling, kissing, even holding hands. Our intimacy level has just gone down the drain. This is hard for me as a newlywed. He also has told me that "I deserve more than what he can give me." All I want is to be here for him. He commonly loses himself in tv, video games--he likes being alone and isolating himself.

My husband is going to counseling at the VA and he does recognize that we are having problems. He recently made a marriage counseling appointment for us through the VA. I am super nervous about going. I feel uncomfortable talking about his PTSD with friends/family. This is why I am here. I need support, advice, and people who understand where I am coming from.

Our relationship is growing ever more frustrating and it feels hopeless sometimes. I want this to work for us. What do you all do to deal with PTSD in your life? Do you have any tips on how to diffuse situations, comfort them, and how do you balance your needs with all of this??

Thanks so much for reading this. Any responses would be much appreciated

 

[Army_Brat_88]

ladare -

Welcome to the new fresh hell that will most likely never end, but maybe if you're lucky and have patience, it'll balance out and improve, but realize that it never be what it once was. I'm sorry, but it's the reality of war. I really really do wish I could be upbeat and positive and cute, but by now I've learned, read and seen enough to tell you that's just fantasy.

There are many women on here in your boat. My best advice would be start carving out time in your day and searching for the words "combat ptsd" on this website. Most who are in this situation use that phrase to distinguish themselves. Also read all the entries on the sister combat ptsd site. Things that are said to you, and situations you are going through are not unique, but unfortunately texbook.

I just want to be honest that no one will have the quick answer for you that will make it all better, and there's no cookie cutter answer because all these guys will have different triggers and issues. When you start reading and educating yourself, you will see what I mean, but it will take a lot of time and effort. The only thing you can do is figure out how YOU will handle YOURSELF and what comes YOUR way. It's the only thing you will be able to control from here on out.

AB

 

[Navy Spouse]

ladare, Like Army said there are a lot of us here. We all feel the pain and confusion of not knowing what to do. You're a newly wed and I have been married 17 years but I think the pain is the same. When the person you love suddenly changes and is bothered by are touches its heartbreaking.

I know it doesn't seem like it, but you have things to be thankful for. Your husband is in counseling. You will notice there are a lot of women on here wishing there husband or boyfriend would take the help being offered to them. My husband seeked counseling shortly after returning from Afgan. and the changes are noticable. (7 months ago) For one, my touch doesn't seem to put him in pain, I'm sure you know what I mean. I was so happy for you when I read he made an appointment for the two of you with a marriage counselor. He wants your marriage to work also! Like you said he recognizes there is a problem. He's not denying it so you are ahead of the game. It won't be easy though. It's a lot of work on both ends and it's an emotional roller coaster.

I understand your nervousness about the counseling. We just started the marriage counseling last week. I was also nervous but it isn't anything like trying to talk to your family and friends, who don't understand. The counselor we have at the VA is a man who has spent time in Iraq and knows what these guys go through because he has been there himself. Our VA also offers group counseling for the guys. It's a way for the vets to get out and talk to others going through the similiar things. I also learned our VA has a group for significant others. I plan to start attending that in March. You could check and see if that's available to you, because you're right we do need support also.

Glad you found this forum. Take care, I wish you the best of luck.

 

[ladare]

Wow. Thanks for the responses AB and Navy Spouse. We have been married two years, but at 23 this seems like so much for us, and I feel really alone. I will most definitely check out the group for significant others at our VA because I think it is important to adapt my behaviors as well. Navy Spouse--to know that you understand what I am going through with the whole touch/physical connection brought tears to my eyes. AB-you are most definitely right, this has been a huge reality check for me! Not being married to the same strong military soldier that I fell in love with has been hard; but, I think its important for me to realize that he is still the same man. Though he has changed I realize that wee need to grow together in a different direction now. I am going to check out more of the posts on here for combat ptsd, and I cannot express to you both how much comfort your replies bring to me. I hope to use this site as a way to connect to others. I look forward to posting any progress we have
thanks,
ladare

 

[Navy Spouse]

You really do seem to have a good handle on things and an understanding that things will be different but with knowledge you can make it work. It becomes very frustrating and I come here to vent so that I'm not directing it at my husband. With counseling you'll slowly begin to see more of the husband you recognize. The bad days will just come out of the blue though and as hard as it is, you need to remember it's not about you. I was just reminded of that yesterday during our counseling session.

It is a lot for a new marriage but maybe because you are a young couple it will make it easier to adapt....????
It's hard to be a young couple in the military period. I remember being moved away from family and friends and my husband husband leaving for 7 months only 2.5 months after we settled in to our first home, 10 days before Christmas. We were married 3 years before we celebrated an anniversary together. There is a lot of bending until we almost break. It's not an easy life but some how these military men get deep into our hearts.

It doesn't sound like you have children yet. That will make things some what easier for you. My heart breaks every day for my girls. (My husband left our home 3 weeks after returning from Afgan. Through counseling were slowly trying to get him to return.)